Victim or Volunteer?

It’s been a rough re-entry into work this week after an extended Holiday weekend. I got off the phone with my spiritual advisor about an hour ago. We switched our nights together to Wednesday to accommodate my therapist’s new work schedule. You know… the therapist who is now moving out of town in three weeks? I had been filling Doris, my adviser, in on my heinous work week so far and that I’m losing my therapist.

There was an incident involving some words from my supervisor to me about my workload. In fact, my supervisor has told me the exact same thing last year. At the time, her words sent me into the tailspin she intended until I confessed to a co-worker friend what was said and that friend gave me a new sensible perspective that did not make me feel like an incompetent piece of shit. It was also on the same day I was scheduled to see my therapist, who also pointed out some passive aggressive behaviors of my supervisor. So this year, when she had those same words for me, they didn’t have the intended effect. But it pissed me off, then made me sad after I was done being pissed. Who wants to work in an environment with the ‘same shit, different year’?  This time, I had a Moon Yin Yoga class to go to after work where my yoga teacher actually said to “let that shit go” during class without even knowing what happened to me at work. How cool is that? I left there with a definite shift in energy, but my heart still heavy about my job. The one I am planning to stay in for another year. If I can stand it and if they don’t eventually fire me. Doris helped me to prioritize what to do this weekend about whether to go to my normal Saturday Yin Yoga class or go into work for authorized overtime to get my workload more manageable.

We didn’t talk much about my therapist leaving. She remarked, “I’m really sorry, that’s rough losing a therapist.” And we kind of moved on. She shared some awareness and insight into what her spiritual adviser pointed out to her earlier this evening. It was about taking responsibility for your own happiness or joy and not looking elsewhere for it. How this insight led Doris to realize she was moving out of a “victim” mentality. That in turn led me to realize that same thing about myself and my life. In my previous blog, I wrote about events and commitments coming up and how I chose to handle feeling overwhelmed by all of it. I asked a couple of key questions about signing up for this and my realization is I’m not a victim of circumstance. I am an active volunteer IN my life!

A volunteer blessed, nay graced, with presence, connection, willingness to grow, be vulnerable, be uncomfortable, be uncertain, all the while having faith in my path, my mission, God’s process. A volunteer who is learning to trust that she doesn’t have to know what’s ahead to move forward because so far she’s always landed where she’s supposed to be.