Healers Among Us & Within Us

My therapist told me she loves working with me because I am so open and willing to be vulnerable in my work. She said it immediately after a burst of emotion and tears surrounding discussion of an ongoing issue about a family member today which veered me right back to my childhood. I just looked at her in disbelief and couldn’t help laughing at her a little through my tears. I mean I’ve done A LOT of work on my childhood through therapy before I got sober and through 12-step work the last 18 years. I can say with some certainty that I am a well-adjusted person. I’ve made peace with so much, so much… Yet it always surprises me and pisses me off when some previously unknown issue floats to the surface, or bursts through like it did today. It hurts to re-live those pockets of pain and sorrow. A part of me wonders, will I ever be done growing? Then another wiser part of me sighs and smiles tiredly because experience has shown her the folly of that question.

I used to get so upset and fed up with life because I would grow and learn things. Life would be great with this new found knowledge and experience, for a while. Then it seemed, much too soon, life would start becoming different, then uncomfortable, until it became clear I was to endure another season of growth, change, and new experiences. I wanted things to just be great. Forget about evolving, expanding and growth!!!! Except I couldn’t forget and eventually I couldn’t resist forward progress. Plus my Higher Power and Life had this pesky way of sending me lessons over and over and over again until I just fucking surrendered. Alright, ALRIGHT already, I’ll learn the freaking lesson. I’ll change and do something different goddamn it. Fortunately for me, I’m not nearly as intractable as I used to be about this process. Back then it was always a long drawn out process of denial, resistance, resentment, more denial, emotional eating, and tuning life out using books, television or food.

Now when it’s clear there is more work to do, like how it showed up in my therapist office today, I can feel the surprise and get a little pissed. Then I get on with the business of exploring it with a trusted healer. In today’s case, it was my therapist. In other cases, it can be with my spiritual advisor if it arises out of my 12-step work or life. I have safe, trusted friends who are a balm just by being in close proximity with them.

Earlier this week, it became more apparent that my yoga teacher has quickly become a trusted healer too. That is something I would not have imagined even after how amazing I found those first yoga classes of hers. This past Tuesday night, for the first time since I started attending yoga classes in July, I actively did not want to go. It was the beginning of the week and I was already drained and disheartened from work. I just wanted to go home and bury myself under the covers with my phone, Facebooking. But I dragged myself there and by the grace of God, only 4 students showed up. That class has always been packed since I’d been going the last few months. My teacher asked each of us how we were doing and we all felt comfortable expressing our truths. Half of us weren’t doing so hot. She really listened to us, then we got started with a class that was more meditative with deep breathing. There were some pretty strenuous asanas too (hello, wall clock!) but the end result was such a monumental shift in energy for me! She had amazing messages about embracing our lessons in whatever form they take for us and asking us what is high on our “bucket list” that we believe would make us happy.

When stress and pain manifest itself physically in my body, I have a safe beautiful soul who does phenomenal body work at an affordable price. Not only is she a restorative massage therapist, she can also provide a spiritual cleansing. She is coming to over tonight to use sage on my new home and maybe some on me!

Lastly, I’m realizing I’ve gotten good at being a trusted healer for myself using breath and silence to calm and center myself through different situations. How about that?