It’s been a rough re-entry into work this week after an extended Holiday weekend. I got off the phone with my spiritual advisor about an hour ago. We switched our nights together to Wednesday to accommodate my therapist’s new work schedule. You know… the therapist who is now moving out of town in three weeks? I had been filling Doris, my adviser, in on my heinous work week so far and that I’m losing my therapist.

There was an incident involving some words from my supervisor to me about my workload. In fact, my supervisor has told me the exact same thing last year. At the time, her words sent me into the tailspin she intended until I confessed to a co-worker friend what was said and that friend gave me a new sensible perspective that did not make me feel like an incompetent piece of shit. It was also on the same day I was scheduled to see my therapist, who also pointed out some passive aggressive behaviors of my supervisor. So this year, when she had those same words for me, they didn’t have the intended effect. But it pissed me off, then made me sad after I was done being pissed. Who wants to work in an environment with the ‘same shit, different year’?  This time, I had a Moon Yin Yoga class to go to after work where my yoga teacher actually said to “let that shit go” during class without even knowing what happened to me at work. How cool is that? I left there with a definite shift in energy, but my heart still heavy about my job. The one I am planning to stay in for another year. If I can stand it and if they don’t eventually fire me. Doris helped me to prioritize what to do this weekend about whether to go to my normal Saturday Yin Yoga class or go into work for authorized overtime to get my workload more manageable.

We didn’t talk much about my therapist leaving. She remarked, “I’m really sorry, that’s rough losing a therapist.” And we kind of moved on. She shared some awareness and insight into what her spiritual adviser pointed out to her earlier this evening. It was about taking responsibility for your own happiness or joy and not looking elsewhere for it. How this insight led Doris to realize she was moving out of a “victim” mentality. That in turn led me to realize that same thing about myself and my life. In my previous blog, I wrote about events and commitments coming up and how I chose to handle feeling overwhelmed by all of it. I asked a couple of key questions about signing up for this and my realization is I’m not a victim of circumstance. I am an active volunteer IN my life!

A volunteer blessed, nay graced, with presence, connection, willingness to grow, be vulnerable, be uncomfortable, be uncertain, all the while having faith in my path, my mission, God’s process. A volunteer who is learning to trust that she doesn’t have to know what’s ahead to move forward because so far she’s always landed where she’s supposed to be.

These are my chosen anchors for the coming weeks. In this case, an anchor is defined as  2.: someone or something that provides strength and support. Here are the reasons I am in need of such a thing…  The volume of work at my job is astounding and it doesn’t appear things will get better soon. In fact, many in supervision and others “in the know” have stated things are going to get even worse. That is hard to imagine, but the truth is things are already a lot worse than they were last year. I have the New Years Yoga Manifestation Retreat in Ojai with Jen Pastiloff and her tribe coming up in less than a month. I’m committed to a 200-hour Yoga Teacher Certification Training with my yoga studio sometime after the first of the year. I spoke to the owner of my studio about it. They will be finalizing the curriculum and schedule by the end of this month. I already know how much it will cost. Then there’s that Big Island Writers Workshop I signed up and paid for which is on Friday, January 22nd. Oh, and my wonderfully amazing, kick-ass therapist is leaving her practice for another job in Orange county. I have two more face-to-face sessions with her over the next two Mondays before she leaves the last week of this month.

As my girl, Dawny put it when I called her to talk last night, “THAT is a lot on your plate.” It is a lot and lately it feels like I’ve either got something going on or a whole lot of something going on. This is a busy time of year with my sobriety date, the holidays and a host of other fun, interesting events I planned or signed up for. At least I no longer wonder what happened to my life. It’s finally sunk into my consciousness and into my being that my path is unfolding in some places, opening up in others and possibly dead ending at yet another juncture. Isn’t this is what I signed up for when I decided to discover my Mission for work and life? Isn’t this is what I signed up for when I decided I wanted to live and work from my heart more than my head? I do know this is me being fully present for my life. Sometimes it’s so fucking wonderful. Other times it’s so fucking frustrating. A lot of times it is overwhelming. Even the wonderful can be overwhelming when it happens, like winning a scholarship to a retreat because of my essay or planning to attend my first ever writers workshop at the invitation of another writer/director/actor who read my blog.

So instead of wistfully and misguidedly longing for my old isolative, couch potato days, I think of how I can journey through this phase of my life with as much presence and enjoyment as possible. Just how does one enjoy the frustrations of an increasingly overwhelming and toxic work environment? By keeping my sense of humor, utter ridiculousness and irony. Trust me, my co-workers can attest those are golden qualities to have in our line of work. I already received instructions on what to bring to the Ojai retreat through a closed group on Facebook and Jen herself has personally assured me of a few things I was concerned about. I’ve spoken to my yoga teacher about what I can do to prepare for the certification training and she has suggested some readings along with a few other things I plan to do. As for my therapist, well she’s already mentioned the possibility of us doing skype sessions through January and she has someone she could refer me to that has similar spiritual values as her and I. So there are things I can do to prepare for what’s coming up. And those things I can’t prepare for?

This brings me back to my topic of breath, focus and follow through. These are my anchors because sometimes all I can do is breathe. Breathe deeply, rhythmically and reverently, if possible. God in, God out. A part of my higher power is inside me and also as close as my next breath. It’s calming. It’s centering. It can be clarifying. I can focus on whatever or whoever is in front of me, be it a task at work, a friend or family member in need of my attention, processing how to let go, or an endeavor aimed at feeding, growing, expanding my spirit or soul. This leads to following through. For me, it means to continue to follow through with trusting the process. Following through on the next indicated step. It means finishing what I committed to starting. I’ve written it before and I will continue to do so. I will follow through on what God is calling me to do, what God is unfolding, opening or eliminating on my path. What do you use to anchor yourself through some of your busiest times?

Why do we let the one disappointing thing spoil how we feel about ourselves?

Despite going into a ridiculously full weekend with major sleep deprivation, I managed to accomplish and get through nearly all I had planned. I mentioned before that I am celebrating 19 years in sobriety this week and I was scheduled to have three sobriety tokens presented to me at three separate meetings on Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning. I had also previously signed up for an Essential Oils Workshop Saturday afternoon at my yoga studio from 1:00-3:30. All that in addition to my normal Saturday morning Yin Yoga class and getting laundry done.

Having sobriety tokens presented to me was a very moving and humbling experience. I stood up in front of the meeting with a friend, who presented me with a token and said incredibly meaningful things about me and my sobriety. Then I, the token recipient gave a little speech as well. But before all that, there’s a birthday cake with lit candles presented as a round of “Happy Birthday” is sung by the group! Friday night, my best friend, Sarah, presented me with a homemade token she made out of wood and painted in the colors of my favorite team, The Miami Heat. It’s beautiful and the first homemade token anyone has ever made for me. Saturday night, my girl Dawny presented me with a birthday cheesecake from Costco with “I AM EMPATHY” written on it and a bag of Chicago Mix popcorn with a huge red velvet bow tied around it! Sunday morning my Sally girl baked me a yellow cake with chocolate icing (delicious!) and my dear friend Maureen presented me with a 19-year token that belonged to her man, another dear, dear friend in this program because “we keep what we have by giving it away”.

The Essential Oils Workshop on Saturday afternoon was awesome. I learned about essential oils and made 4 different items from them with simple organic household items! I made a lemon-peppermint body scrub, lavender-frankincense bath salts, lemon yoga mat cleaner and blue lotus body butter. The facilitator, Joy, even included decorating supplies so we could give some as gifts. It was a really fun and interesting way to pass a Saturday afternoon. I’m thinking of either buying my own supplies to make gifts for Christmas or take her next workshop on December 12th! It was another busy weekend full of amazing events and my normal weekend routines.

What was the one disappointing thing? Early Sunday afternoon Baby Bub asked me to borrow one of my suitcases and I told her she could of course. I already knew she wasn’t going to spend Thanksgiving with me because I texted her last week about it and she replied she had her own plans. I hadn’t expected her to want to spend Thanksgiving in Pasadena with me so that was no surprise. I sat on the couch watching HGTV, snacking on something while she chattered away about a whole lot of nothing. She hated packing. She couldn’t find her deodorant. Maybe she should use my bigger suitcase. I’m not sure what finally broke through my reverie. Oh, that’s right! She mentioned she was packing for two trips. I finally asked a question about it and her answer was that she was going to Arizona on Tuesday. I asked if that was where she was spending Thanksgiving and she said, ” yes, but I’m going to Magic Mountain today and tomorrow, then Arizona on Tuesday.” I just looked at her like she’d sprouted a second head out the side of her fucking neck… Seriously. She was going to Magic Mountain with the church then on to Arizona. I asked her when she’d get back from Arizona and she said probably next Sunday. Here’s the kicker… I asked when she was leaving and she said her ride would get there at 1:00. It was 12:15 when she told me that. I kind of lost it then but tried to keep it as humorous and light as possible. WHEN was she going to tell me this? She thought she’d already told me. She was sorry, she thought she’d told me. I have to say, I tried to pull it together and accept it gracefully. I tried, but the fact that she was actually nice to me and kept trying to engage me in conversation kinda tipped me off to the fact that I wasn’t being graceful or accepting. I mean she’s 20 years old. She’s a GOOD girl, like a seriously church-going, youth leader, hard working, giving, charitable girl. I gave a concerted effort at allowing myself to be engaged in her conversation because it is not her job to make me feel better about my issues. She left a very short time later and I was alone. At home. Until next Sunday. I felt hurt, sad, and abandoned. For a time. I just wonder, why do my connections with everyone in my life seem so meaningful except when it comes to my children?

Then I texted my two closest friends to tell them what had just happened before going down for a nap as they both have adult children and are either going through something similar or coming out the other side. Dawny sent me a few texts asking if I was ok. Sarah called me to commiserate and tell me everything I already knew. She’s 20 and young adult children are often carelessly cavalier and thoughtless about these things. She’s a good girl. I woke up from my nap and settled down for an evening of watching ‘Madam Secretary’, eating  bowls of Chicago Mix popcorn and blogging about it when the tv show is over. The next day, today, I remembered how much I enjoy spending time with myself and how hard I worked at that particular endeavor! I also get to spend Thanksgiving with my awesome Pasadena family on my timetable!