“you know the nearer the destination the more you’re slip-sliding away” — Simon and Garfunkel
Let’s get one thing straight. And I think I’m actually talking to myself more than to you. Slip sliding is not a total backslide. What happened? Another soul-sucking Monday at the job, which sadly is all too typical. It was all the more stressful because last Monday was a paid holiday, I called out sick Wednesday (in a bid for self-care or self-destruction, only time will tell) and I took a vacation day Friday to attend the Big Island Writers Workshop. So today was definitely pay-the-piper day. I stayed late to try and catch up. I’ll be going in early on Tuesday to do the same (no Sunrise Yoga class). I was starving when I left work and my commute is close to an hour. Oh, and it’s my PMS time! So how did I cope you ask? Some of you may know as I confessed on Facebook to being a fast food whore and tv tramp. I stopped at Taco Bell drive-thru halfway home and pulled over in the parking lot to devour two tacos. Once I hit town I stopped at Wendy’s and McDonald’s drive-thrus for dessert before ending up at home. Once settled at home, as I ate my yummy jr. frosty and chocolate chip cookies, I turned on the tv. I started out watching the beginning of an NBA game, then switched over to X-Files at 8:00. Once that was over, I stayed on the couch and got sucked into a new tv show called “Lucifer”! Yes, THAT Lucifer and against my will, I found it to be charming, funny and interesting. Shit, on a night I need to be writing my blog and getting to my yoga because it’s day 25 of the 31 days of yoga challenge.
I tend to do things like this when I’m stressed and overwhelmed. This slip-sliding away or mini self-sabotage. Or is it? I mean I actually did refer to myself as a fast food whore and tv tramp on Facebook. But I wasn’t beating myself up or looking for validation. I was holding myself accountable. The truth is I usually do crave junk food when I PMS. I could have and used to eat way more fast food in one sitting than two tacos, a jr frosty and three cookies. As for tv, well I went pretty deep in the writer’s workshop Friday, so I need to vegetate a little after that and a typical stressful Monday back to work after only working two days last week. I had a lovely friend comment on my whore/tramp post that I must have had a stressful day and if that’s the case then I earned it. She was reminding me to be compassionate with myself.
Here is more truth, I’m now beyond the point of a growing dissatisfaction with my current job. That was so two years ago. I’m nearly past the point of caring because what I value has changed. The spiritual expansion that therapy, yoga, and writing has wrought makes it increasingly difficult to function in my current job. As my Higher Power and the Universe continue to provide opportunities to further my growth and strength with living from my heart, it creates a dissonance that is getting harder to reconcile. It’s time to be accountable and proactive about coming up with a resolution I can live with.
The most pressing thing is to continue moving forward, mindfully from the heart, purposeful in my faith. Some days that may look and feel like old behavior. But it’s just a little slip-slide as opposed to full on backsliding. My favorite slogan in the 12 step rooms, which I’m finding a lot outside them as well is, “we strive for progress, not perfection.” I also firmly believe that movement is life. Therefore, the most pressing thing is to continue moving forward, no matter what.