Looking Back To See Ahead

It is not just important, but essential to look back occasionally to see where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. I suppose the end of summer automatically conditions me to gear up for school and the last part of the year. I, myself, am decades past going to school, but having raised three children, the tradition of back to school continued until now. Earlier in the year Baby Bub decided (mid-semester) that she wasn’t going to continue with college. Therefore, there is no last minute registering for classes, purchasing of school supplies, or buying clothes. I have a lot of time to and for myself these days as opposed to taking or making time for myself. Even though it feels odd, it’s a good time to look back. Two things made this topic come to mind for me. I’ve been blogging for a month now and next week I will take over a service commitment on Sunday morning.

It’s amusing to look back a little over a month ago and remember the fear, anxiety and insecurity I felt in anticipation of launching this site. Besides the technical aspect, of which I am still limited, I had HUGE fear about the writing itself. What would I write about? Would anyone read it? Would anyone understand it or relate? WILL THEY LIKE IT? Would I be able to keep up with the commitment to myself to post three times a week? I went back and read all eleven of them. This one will be #12, three posts a week for four weeks. So that question is answered. I’ve had positive feedback from enough friends and a few acquaintances to know I’m on the right track. As for what will I write about… well it says right at the top of this page underneath the heading- a journey home to my heart, my true self. The cool part about that is, it’ll be a journey with rises, falls, twists, turns, triumphs, stumbles, joys, pain, laughter, and love. What’s truly great about this is the gift I’m receiving that I didn’t anticipate. The clarity and presence I feel in my life! Trust me it’s not all a bed of roses, but I am fully engaged and present for  it. No checking out of life, avoiding it or hiding from it with too much television, reading romance novels and emotional overeating! I’m rolling with the good, bad, the frustrating, the monotonous, the ugly and the divine. How about that!

The service commitment I am taking over this coming Sunday morning is one I held six years ago. It’s a one-year weekly commitment to show up and facilitate for a 12 step meeting that is my home group. Six years ago I was pretty much railroaded into the commitment at a time in my life when I was having a hard time showing up and thought I was hiding in plain sight. The last thing I wanted to do was be front and center in front of a bunch of people, even people that are family to me, my spiritual kin. It was incredibly uncomfortable, irritating and scary at first. I was at my heaviest weight and very insecure about my appearance, not to mention unsure of my spiritual fitness to be of service to this community of spiritual kin that gently, firmly, and honestly loved me until I learned to love myself. They became the mirror I had always avoided at all costs. A mirror that encouraged, supported, cheered and appreciated that which I failed to recognize on my own. I bloomed in the course of that one-year commitment and while I was definitely of service to the group, they were far more of service to me. To this day, when others tell me how much they appreciate my message or share, I give all the credit to my spiritual kin and AA. My light is their light shining with God’s sunshine. I keep what I have by giving away what was so freely and lovingly given to me.

For once I’m looking ahead without fear but in anticipation to what additional blogging will bring to my life and just how much more spiritual growth I will gain from being of service to my community. It’s a good place to be and It’s been epic so far.