Back To Earth, Preparing To Dig Deep

After flying high from being able to save and fundraise $2000.00 to put as a down payment for Yoga school and experiencing the first intensive weekend of YTT, I’ve been brought back to Earth with a bit of a crash. At the end of my last blog, Back To School: On & Off The Mat, I mentioned my journey from the decision to become a yoga teacher to now the start of training. What I was talking about was the evolution of myself as a woman, a spiritual being, and child of God. I hadn’t given a lot of thought, if any, to how much I’d grown from then to now. Nor had I given much thought to what would be required of me. blade-1267262__180

Getting back to the “crash”, that happened Sunday afternoon on the fourth and final day of our week 1, which was a Thursday through Sunday weekend intensive with the schedule being 8:00 am to 4:00 pm for two of the four days and half days for the remaining two days. It was truly intense with a lot of information presented, yoga classes attended and analyzed from a trainee’s perspective and instruction/demonstrations on asanas (poses). My first real disappointment (in myself) that Sunday afternoon was the crushing realization that I’d been incorrectly going in and out of a certain asana (pose) called a Chaturanga or Low Plank. When the teacher broke down the alignment of the body and demonstrated how to properly get into and out of the asana, I was not able to copy her. I don’t have the upper body strength. Another asana, Vasisthasana or Side Plank, revealed the same issue for me. A third asana, Warrior III, required a lot of core strength and balance. Two more things I lacked which will clearly be needed. It took the wind right out of my sails and I think the “intensive” portion of the weekend finally caught up to me. I retreated into myself by the end of class and left the studio fighting tears, without much interaction with my fellow students or my amazing teachers.

photo by Tracy Aleksic

‘Class in Warrior III’  photo by Tracy Aleksic

Monday morning I woke up exhausted mentally and physically. I was thinking of calling out sick to work when I went to the bathroom and discovered I had diarrhea. Did I forget to mention I am either menopausal or perimenopausal because I’ve been on my cycle for over two weeks? That sealed it, I did call out and spent the day alternately sleeping, going to the bathroom and reading my Yoga Anatomy book. Tuesday morning I woke up still exhausted but also weak, which was new but I forced myself to shower and go to work. I made it through the workday and forced myself to go to my regular Tuesday night Moon Yin Yoga Class. In the past when I was tired and stressed from work, my yoga classes energized and revived me. Not this time. I mistook feeling weak for being tired but that was not the case. I was physically incapable of holding certain asanas because of it. At the beginning of Moon Yin class, my teacher explained about the full moon in Capricorn. This could make people emotional. It was a time to reflect on how we stand in our own ways, especially if we’ve allowed or ignored certain behaviors, conditions or patterns that impede our growth. She spoke about learning to accept and explore our “shadows” as well as our “light”, for it is our darkness and our light that has created who we are. That struck a chord. tree-569586__180

Thus here I am on the precipice of another leg of my journey. There are a number of medical issues I’ve ignored that need to be dealt with, like possibly being menopausal and the fact that I have a couple of chronic medical conditions that I need to make allowances for. A major adjustment in all phases of self-care is in order! There is the balance, upper body, and core strength to develop. The truth is it wasn’t a crash I experienced, that is an old way of thinking that ego wants me to believe but I refuse. I simply reached a point in my journey where more is required of me. More than what was required to get me to this point. Because that is what it will take to continue evolving. Now that I am back to Earth, I can use this time to ground myself and dig deep. Isn’t that always the way? What we’ve learned and experienced prepares us for what is to come?


4 thoughts on “Back To Earth, Preparing To Dig Deep

  1. Alright Tammi! I am, of course, sorry that the beginning of your training was a struggle and that you have health issues to deal with. Our general health is one of those things we take for granted when all is well…but when it isn’t it can bring us to our knees. BUT, “The truth is it wasn’t a crash I experienced, that is an old way of thinking that ego wants me to believe but I refuse.” YES!! This is such a hard lesson…and one I struggle with on a daily basis. EGO. It tries to keep us safe, but in so doing keeps us small. You refuse to be small. Thank you for sharing this…and your journey. You are helping us all to be our best self. XO

    • Tracey it means so much to have your understanding and encouragement! That sweet, misguided, pesky EGO… I’m learning to be gentle but firm about ego, eventually when I figure out what it’s been up to 😉

  2. Your insight and willingness to go deeply in your “shadow” is quite a testament to your commitment. That you are willing to share your journey of discovery, warts and all, demonstrates how much of ego you have pushed through. You are already a highly effective teacher. I am awed by your courage and inspired by your achievements, body and soul. Nameste dear sister friend.

    • Thank Maureen (I think of you as Mo). You always seem to make me feel better about my dips into darkness and when I struggle with my stuggles!
      I love you sister-friend <3

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