My therapist told me she loves working with me because I am so open and willing to be vulnerable in my work. She said it immediately after a burst of emotion and tears surrounding discussion of an ongoing issue about a family member today which veered me right back to my childhood. I just looked at her in disbelief and couldn’t help laughing at her a little through my tears. I mean I’ve done A LOT of work on my childhood through therapy before I got sober and through 12-step work the last 18 years. I can say with some certainty that I am a well-adjusted person. I’ve made peace with so much, so much… Yet it always surprises me and pisses me off when some previously unknown issue floats to the surface, or bursts through like it did today. It hurts to re-live those pockets of pain and sorrow. A part of me wonders, will I ever be done growing? Then another wiser part of me sighs and smiles tiredly because experience has shown her the folly of that question.

I used to get so upset and fed up with life because I would grow and learn things. Life would be great with this new found knowledge and experience, for a while. Then it seemed, much too soon, life would start becoming different, then uncomfortable, until it became clear I was to endure another season of growth, change, and new experiences. I wanted things to just be great. Forget about evolving, expanding and growth!!!! Except I couldn’t forget and eventually I couldn’t resist forward progress. Plus my Higher Power and Life had this pesky way of sending me lessons over and over and over again until I just fucking surrendered. Alright, ALRIGHT already, I’ll learn the freaking lesson. I’ll change and do something different goddamn it. Fortunately for me, I’m not nearly as intractable as I used to be about this process. Back then it was always a long drawn out process of denial, resistance, resentment, more denial, emotional eating, and tuning life out using books, television or food.

Now when it’s clear there is more work to do, like how it showed up in my therapist office today, I can feel the surprise and get a little pissed. Then I get on with the business of exploring it with a trusted healer. In today’s case, it was my therapist. In other cases, it can be with my spiritual advisor if it arises out of my 12-step work or life. I have safe, trusted friends who are a balm just by being in close proximity with them.

Earlier this week, it became more apparent that my yoga teacher has quickly become a trusted healer too. That is something I would not have imagined even after how amazing I found those first yoga classes of hers. This past Tuesday night, for the first time since I started attending yoga classes in July, I actively did not want to go. It was the beginning of the week and I was already drained and disheartened from work. I just wanted to go home and bury myself under the covers with my phone, Facebooking. But I dragged myself there and by the grace of God, only 4 students showed up. That class has always been packed since I’d been going the last few months. My teacher asked each of us how we were doing and we all felt comfortable expressing our truths. Half of us weren’t doing so hot. She really listened to us, then we got started with a class that was more meditative with deep breathing. There were some pretty strenuous asanas too (hello, wall clock!) but the end result was such a monumental shift in energy for me! She had amazing messages about embracing our lessons in whatever form they take for us and asking us what is high on our “bucket list” that we believe would make us happy.

When stress and pain manifest itself physically in my body, I have a safe beautiful soul who does phenomenal body work at an affordable price. Not only is she a restorative massage therapist, she can also provide a spiritual cleansing. She is coming to over tonight to use sage on my new home and maybe some on me!

Lastly, I’m realizing I’ve gotten good at being a trusted healer for myself using breath and silence to calm and center myself through different situations. How about that?

Even though I will be posting this on a Tuesday morning, I wanted to write about how I handled my Monday. To back up a little, I got some much-needed rest, a little research and phenomenal refocusing done this past weekend. So mission accomplished (so far) on that front. The ‘so far’ is because those will be ongoing goals and requirements moving forward. I woke up Monday morning having had a good night’s sleep.  I prayed and meditated, which always includes a mental gratitude list. After a shower and getting dressed I was ready for the world. I even put on a dress too.

My first stop was to my neighborhood coffee shop where the carafe of the only coffee I like there had run out and they had not started to make a new one yet. They only brew two other kinds so I had to get an alternative coffee that did not taste good at all. I’m seriously considering investing in my own coffee maker at home because this shit happens way too often at my shop. I love supporting my small town businesses, but a girl needs CONSISTENCY when it comes to her morning coffee!

By the time I got to work, I was trying not to let the coffee snafu ruin my morning. I have a 40-mile commute so I had to work hard at it. Of course, that gets shot to hell because apparently I did such a great job not thinking about my job that I forgot every day this week is casual dress. As in everyone was wearing jeans except me in dress, no less! My first clue came after my zombie walk across the work parking lot into the building waiting for the elevator. A girl from another department looks me up and down, smirks and says “Forgot it was a Casual week, huh?”. Since I couldn’t throw my coffee in her face as I realized what she was saying, I tried to take it in stride by replying “shit” in a good-natured way.  Let me tell you I was not a happy camper sipping nasty ass coffee in a dress when everyone else was in jeans, t-shirts, tennis shoes or boots! I drank as much of the coffee as I could because I needed the energy boost. Then I tried looking on the bright side about wearing a dress as I had done a great job not thinking about my job all weekend.

I’ve written about my work and all that entails. Mondays are the busiest days of the week and this Monday was no exception. Well, one of the many potential ticking time bombs that lurk waiting in my desk and workload went off and I called in to talk about it with my supervisor. I am human and only one person. I come into work and do the best I can to get as much accomplished as possible. The discussion went a little sideways but after more talking, it was determined that I would be given some overtime to help with some of the ticking time bombs on my desk. I have to tell you that when I left that office I needed to find a quiet place (the bathroom) and do some Ujjayi Pranayama for quite some time until I calmed down. That is deep breathing that helps calm the mind. I learned that in my yoga class and it served me well yesterday. It was also fortunate that this happened near the end of my work day. When I walked out of the building and got into my car, I had no desire to listen to my radio so I turned it off and drove home in silence with my thoughts and Ujjain breathing when I remembered.

Another fortunate thing about Mondays is I talk to my spiritual advisor every Monday evening around 6ish for about an hour or so. I got home a little early so I ate some leftover steamed cabbage with onions and smoked sausage over jasmine rice for dinner. Then I settled into my bedroom and got her on the phone to rehash the incident at work and my previous week since we last talked. I get honest one on one feedback, clarity and challenges from her. She is not afraid to ask questions about something or point out things I may not have considered or that may not be healthy. I got to take an honest look at what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. This Monday had a few small bumps and one pretty big one. I navigated them all to the best of my ability. The truth is a day like this a year ago, hell even six months ago, would have sent me running full tilt into unhealthy emotional eating and deep sea diving into whatever favorite romance novel I wanted to lose myself in or a mini marathon of  binge watching The Big Bang Theory on television.  However today I can and do roll with the punches of nasty coffee, miscued dress code, and a workload time bomb.

I like being fully present for my life even when it’s not fully pleasant to be so.

I must commit to prioritizing all three of those things right now!

I haven’t been sleeping enough lately. Although a more honest statement is, I stay up too late and once I get to bed I have the hardest time falling asleep so most nights I don’t get enough rest. It’s affecting all areas of my life. I’m tired of a low-grade headache most days with limited energy. I’m not making good food choices, cooking a lot less. I’m not as active because I’m too damn tired to get up early on the weekends to walk or hike before Yoga class on Saturdays and my Sunday morning meeting in the park. My job is such an energy suck of late that I barely have anything left for this blog sometimes. I see and feel it even if no one else does. I know getting enough sleep and rest is essential for the forward momentum with my journey. So this weekend is about getting rest so I can get recharged because I’ve got work to do to get where God is calling me.

I’ve made some decisions about my Mission for work and life of late! I’m excited about where my journey is leading me. I previously knew I no longer wanted to work in my current industry of Insurance. I’m hoping to transition from high-pressure, production based environments where I work from my head. My life’s work will stem from my heart and growing spirituality, serving others. I believe I found a life’s purpose that will allow me to communicate, facilitate and inspire healthy meaningful connection for others using my spirituality. Exactly what you may be wondering? Life Coaching is a way for me to help people connect with themselves in a healthy meaningful way. A way for me to communicate, facilitate and inspire others to live their best life. Hence the research portion of the weekend and beyond… That is just a start, as I must find a Coaching Certification and Training program that is affordable and that will work for me. I need to choose a program and find a way to finance it with grants and/or financial aid. It’s also become clear to me that it would be much more conducive for my ability to learn and grow if I currently worked at a job that was not mentally, spiritually and emotionally draining. This means I need to update and focus my LinkedIn account and resume for a less stressful, taxing job that can support me while I go through coach training and certification. It goes without saying that I will continue to develop my writing until it is a means of financial support along with the coaching.

This leads us to the refocus portion of this post, the weekend and beyond. You see, I’ve come a long way in such a short time with this journey to my true self, to my heart and to my life’s purpose. However, it’s just beginning and it’s a good start. Shit, it’s a great start actually! Here’s the thing, though, I’ve felt myself sliding back into some old, unhealthy habits of late, like staying up too late (even if it’s for the blog, the writing), slacking on physical activity like walking/hiking,  and eating things that are not healthy for me. It’s left me feeling heavier, sluggish and low-energy. This being fully present for my life is no joke, as I just don’t give me as much slack as I used to. The road forward, the path my Higher Power is calling me to, gets narrower and I gotsta get ta steppin right again! <– Ha Ha, my Grammarly editing program is losing its mind over that last sentence!

So REST, RESEARCH & REFOCUS are on deck for the weekend and beyond! If any of you that know me and see me in real life have any suggestions or people I can talk to about Coaching I’d appreciate it. Otherwise… onward and upward!

I am discovering that not everyone who starts out on your journey will end it with you. Not all of those you were thick as thieves with can remain so. Somethings or some places which were instrumental to your professional development and advancement don’t always stay that way. As I continue my journey of personal, ie spiritual/emotional/mental growth and become more present for my life I am more aware of how true those previous three statements are. By the same token, there were friends in my life that seemed to stay just outside the reach of where I hoped and wanted the closeness and intimacy of those friendships to go. Since I’ve started doing things I’ve never done, like blogging, yoga classes and entering essay contests, I’ve opened up a whole world within myself and without.

There were friends I spent the majority of my time with once upon a time who I truly related to and believed would always be in my corner and in my life. It has not been easy living through losing or distancing myself from those I was once so very close to. One friend I lost through a miscommunication about an endeavor we were supposed to take on together which lead to a realization that the entire basis for our relationship had been misunderstood. By the time we both were clear about our respective positions on the friendship and our miscommunicated endeavor, it became apparent to me that I had lost a friend. I made sincere apologies for my part in our misunderstanding because I had handled it badly. Then I set a clear boundary that the friendship had to end. There has been no communication since and I don’t expect there to be. I worked through the hurt, grief, guilt and angst with my therapist, my spiritual advisor, and one trusted friend. Other friends that I was thick as thieves with? Some of their comments, observations, or indifference about the changes I have made and continue to make in my life have been unhelpful or negative to the point that it is clear we are not on the same page. The cool part about that is I haven’t taken offense about it because they’re opinions and outlook are based on how they live their life. They are not personally or deliberately trying to discourage or frighten me, they honestly love me and always will. They are just focused on how they see the world and by extension how they see me in it. I’m grateful that I can love and appreciate those in my life where they are. While they are still a part of my life, they are no longer privy to my innermost thoughts and dreams or as much of my time. I can’t afford to have close, regular proximity with that kind of energy, even though they are clearly coming from a place of friendship and concern for me. 

There was the job with a company I believed I would retire from in approximately 20 years, thinking I wouldn’t really need to plan the next phase of my life for at least another 10 years or so. Except a shift in corporate culture, quite a drastic one, has forced me to go through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil over the last 2-1/2 years. It has truly become a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical drain for nearly every single friend and co-worker across all departments. I’ve worked there for over eight years so I have a lot of friends and co-workers. It’s so disheartening. Yet, if this was not happening I may not have been pushed to this journey I find myself on. The journey home to my true authentic self. I’m convinced she lives in my heart of hearts. So the struggle is going to work everyday, to do the very best I am capable of, regardless of the environment, because it is what the company deserves while I am in their employ and to balance that with the energy I need  for my journey that will eventually lead me away from there.

Ah, but the unexpected gifts from the mental, emotional and spiritual shifts due to my personal growth have been absolutely epic of late! Those people and friends that used to be on the periphery of my life? They are now front and center or solidly in my corner. It seems I instinctively turned to them as I was going through some of the “growing pains” of shifting friendships. The yoga practice, which I do think of it as a practice these days, has done so much for my inner equilibrium. The studio is one more safe place that still challenges and teaches me at the same time. Before, only my therapy appointments and my 12 step meetings did that for me. As I move ever outward into the world and inward through my blogging/writing, either the world meets me with incredible support and opportunities, or I continue to meet more and more of she who lives in my heart of hearts. Both the consequences and  the gifts are worth it.