Waking Up On The Wrong Side Of Me

I went to bed early Thursday night because I have been staying up way too late on “school” nights lately. It’s starting to wear on me and I’m not doing well. My energy level is off, my coping skills decrease and I’m not pleased with the end results of my efforts in self-care, spiritual practices or  my yoga practice. I thought one good night’s sleep would do the trick. But I woke up just as tired as I usually do, which instantly disheartened and upset me. I put in minimal prayers to my Higher Power and stayed in bed Facebooking until the last possible minute. Thank God it was casual Friday so I didn’t have to put much effort into my appearance. Oh, and my Mom was coming for a visit. Something I’d known about for quite some time but still had not done much cleaning around the house. She hasn’t been to my new place yet because she lives in Northern California and last visited in April of last year before I even knew I would be moving.

I’m getting better at showing up on days like this. I’m usually a little more quiet, though. Today at work was no exception. I made an effort to shake off this feeling. But it’s not always that simple or easy. There is an inner dialogue that can be relentless on days like this. It’s all about what I’m not doing: not sleeping enough, not eating healthy enough, not exercising enough, not cleaning my house enough, not putting enough effort into my appearance, I need a pedicure, I need a relaxer touch-up for my hair, I need a shower, I need to pay bills before I spend my paycheck, because you know you will do that- you’ve done it before, your credit score is slipping, your not saving enough money… and on and on and on! Good Lord, even I didn’t realize I was feeling all of THAT.

I get moments or blocks of time of relief from this inner dialogue with its molasses in January quagmire of icky feeling which comes along with. Thank God I work with humorous, supportive people because my job is almost never the best place to be when I’m like this. Plus it was Friday and we have a three day weekend with Monday off for President’s Day. I asked a co-worker if she was willing to walk to a local restaurant for lunch because the weather was glorious. I needed the fresh air and exercise, so did she and it ended up being a great energy and mood booster. The walk one way was 15 minutes and we made it in exactly one hour!

I was even starting to feel better about my Mom coming because I thought I’d have time to get home and tidy up before she got into town. I really should have known better because she called when I was about 15 minutes from home asking where I was because she was parked outside my apartment complex. Baby Bub wasn’t answering her phone so no one was available to let my Mom in. Cue the inner dialogue that was just waiting to resume sucking me into it’s icky quagmire. I have, to be honest, though, my Mom is not one of those super critical mothers about housekeeping. She’s not critical at all. It’s just me, of course. I got home as soon as I could and let her in the front door. She loved the place the minute she walked in. That’s another thing about my Mom, she is honest and forthright. If she didn’t like it or found fault, she would say something. My place isn’t that bad, it’s just cluttered as hell because that’s how Baby Bub and I roll. Once we got Mom settled, we decided to go out to eat, her treat.

Can I just say it’s a whole other experience being a back seat passenger while your 20-year-old daughter is driving your car and your Mom is in the front seat? It’s always entertaining being in the company of those two fine examples of generational moxie. Because as I’m writing this, I’m realizing that my DAUGHTER is also an honest and forthright person! Dinner was great, the ride home was great and as I sit here blogging and winding down from my day, I’m feeling a lot better. The inner dialogue is quiet.

I’m going to hop in the shower before going to bed. I have plans to do a short hike with my BFF and another friend early in the morning before heading to my Saturday Yin Yoga class. I will pay bills, get a pedicure, hook up my hair and enjoy this time with my Mom. I will do lots of breathing and reminding myself that I AM ENOUGH. On any given day, in any given manifestation of myself, regardless of what my inner dialogue says. I AM ENOUGH and I am very much loved by many.