Rewriting Old Stories and Composing New Ones

The Tension/Trauma Release Exercise workshop or TRE 2.0 as I like to think of it went better this time around. It’s hard to believe it has been two months since I experienced the last one. I was better prepared for what to expect this time around, but I still went into it feeling bad about myself and my abilities. I didn’t fight the process as much, though. And guess what? I didn’t have as much tension/trauma to release this time either. That is not to say there wasn’t any because there was, but it wasn’t as intense or overwrought. After the first one, I felt drained and I was a wreck.  This time, I was tired, but my heart felt quiet and at peace. I was exhausted and emotional for days after the first time. This time, I went home ate a big yummy bowl of Chicago Mix popcorn and took a long, restful nap. I’ve felt fine ever since. A little achy and sore in my back, glute and thigh muscles from the wall and floor exercises, but my energy and clarity have been on point.

So here is a follow up to all the writing about those FEELINGS that had me fucked up last week. Remember how I felt incompetent, inadequate and overwhelmed at work? Well, when I went in to do overtime on Saturday morning, instead of going to my yoga class, I got a much-needed reality check. I am exceedingly good at evaluating, interpreting, investigating, documenting and resolving claims. Those things all take time and effort. I’m not a slow worker either, I’m thorough and deliberate. I’m also very good with people, including personal injury attorneys and their assistants. I got some work done, but the volume is such that there is still much more. More importantly, I left there feeling closer to what I know to be true about myself. I am a smart, valuable and capable employee.

As for my uncertainty concerning my yoga practice and my doubts about my abilities on the mat? I have a book suggested by Joy, the studio owner and a booklet put together by my teacher Tracy. They gave them to me because I asked if there was anything I could do to help prepare myself for the certification program they are putting together. I made a point of reading more out of both resources this weekend. The more I read about yoga, the more I understand it’s a lifestyle, a philosophy, and a message. It shows me this will be huge and life altering to my spiritual, emotional, physical and mental well-being! One I’ve already committed to- as much of what I’m learning describes what is presently unfolding for me personally. There is a relief in that recognition. I’m already on the path and I have great teachers to guide me.

The Baby Bub, mother-daughter dynamic will take more than a few words in a paragraph of a blog post to understand and resolve. But that’s the point isn’t it? Part of it is the normal (natural?) disconnect that can and does occur when a female hits her teens and twenties. Part of it is our relationship, which is a work of love, in progress. I make it a point to be more present and  listen more when she engages me. It’s a start and it already feels better.

All of this illustrates for me that I have already started rewriting my old stories. I no longer hold on to old negative messages and feelings so tightly or so long, which frees up a great deal of energy. It provides clarity moving forward to compose more accurate depictions based on present reality and a willingness to let my new story unfold.