Build Your Own Brave

Three days was all it took. Technically 2 days, since I went for a bundlet from Nothing Bundt Cakes on Tuesday to deal with being back at work after a GLORIOUS week away where my spirit soared with like-minded souls in Ojai over New Years then spent a peaceful weekend at home without going into the office to work overtime on a Saturday. I don’t know why I thought or expected my spiritual buzz to last longer, but I did. I suppose I thought it would be a spiritual safeguard from the non-stop bombardment of work, deadlines and seemingly just out of reach goals I’m expected to meet or exceed. Plus I was upset with myself to being upset. I mean, can I just give myself a break?

The truth of the matter is, my job usually does start to wear me down by midweek. So this is actually par for the course. I’m also tired. None of this has stopped me from keeping up with my 31 days of yoga challenge. Today (Wednesday) is day 6 and I lit a fire in my fireplace to get some yin w/a little vinyasa done by firelight. It was really nice and it totally improved my mood. Yoga really has become moving meditation for me, even at home. Especially at home. Huh, it’s a good thing I decided to become a yoga teacher. It has definitely been an adjustment going from yoga class twice a week to yoga every day. Physically I’m achy and tired but I believe I will continue to adjust. The hope is by the end of this month is I will have built up a home yoga practice and also will be getting into my yoga studio for a couple more classes a week.

A good night’s sleep will also help so I’m signing off. This one is short and somewhat sweet. Namaste.

One of the first topics introduced on Thursday at the Yoga Manifestation Retreat in Ojai was about ‘being in our bodies’ because a lot of us aren’t. We ignore our physical body and its needs quite a bit. So we closed our eyes, took deep breaths and settled into ourselves. We were asked to choose the part of our body that was making itself “known” to us either by an issue we’d been having with it or if during our meditation, that part of our body spoke to us. I choose my heart as I know it’s what has been fueling my journey through life of late, not always in a healthy way either. The writing prompt or exercise was to write to ourselves as the body part we chose. Hence, I titled my writing exercise ” my heart speak”. It was a very moving experience to write to myself as my own heart. Especially after some of the heart-opening events of Christmas week surrounding my adult children and facing some of their truths about growing up with me as their mother. The messages were simple and direct, all about being with me, loving me no matter what, it’s ok, I’m ok, it’s open for me and our life, it is with me always, it’s here for others, we are eternal, it’s ok to allow, we are love, it’s here for me and others. A lot of the messages repeated for emphasis I suppose… After we were told to put our pens down, Jen went around calling on people at random to read out loud which body part they chose and to read what their bodies said to us. As I mentioned in my prior blog, no matter where the person was in the yoga center, she always moved to sit right in front of you and listened fiercely. She chose me and listened to me read “my heart speak” out loud to her and the room. She looked at me thoughtfully, turned to the rest of the room and talked a little about it. She turned back to me and asked what one word  or phrase did I think would manifest what my heart wants for the coming year. I said, “to be open”. She nodded and said yes, my mantra is “I am open” or “I am allowing”. After choosing a few more attendees to read their writings, we moved on.

After more yoga, music, and tears, we stopped again to drop to our mats for another writing prompt. This one asked, “What do we need to let go of or release to be the mantra that our body wants?” For me, that meant what do I need to let go of to manifest living from an open heart, to allow my life and its events to unfold without fear and isolation. Somehow those answers came easily and I hope that means I am truly ready to release and let go of old stories/tapes, the old “I am’s or I’m not’s”, limitation, self-doubt, self-sabotage, stinkin’ thinkin’, isolation, old reactions to fear and doubt. One of the many, many things I came away with at the retreat was that it wasn’t enough to pull out one part of the equation, like choosing “I am open or allowing” for the coming year. We also wrote about the things that hold us back from the life we want to live.

So how’s that going so far for me? Hmm, let’s see. I committed to my home studio, Bright Yoga’s 31 days of Yoga challenge for the month of January. Today is day 4 and after I finish this blog, I plan to do some quiet Yin yoga by the fireplace where I have a cozy little fire going. Sunday morning in the park I borrowed a friend’s puppies to make a birthday video for someone’s 9-year old nephew! And posted it on Facebook. Those of you that know me well know my old “I am” of I am not an animal person. I’ve accepted a Board appointment to a local club I belong to as well as assumed the position of Events coordinator for the club. So far I am open and allowing all over the damn place, HA HA! And it feels good! We’ll see how good I feel when my alarm goes off at 4:45 am to make a sunrise yoga class at my studio. Yikes, but a good yikes. This is what I want and need for my life. This is what is being offered and presented.

“How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved”– Sigmund Freud, quoted often by Jen Pastiloff

I was emboldened by love during my time in Ojai. The love came at me from so many directions, but the main source and catalyst was Jen Pastiloff. In Thursday morning’s blog, I wrote about the power of opening circle after I arrived Wednesday afternoon. That first day there was some vulnerability, statements of manifestation, fierce listening, beauty hunting and the faint beginnings of trust and connection for the group. It’s incredible how much has happened since then, I hope this blog can do justice to and honor what transpired for me. The truth is I’m bound to leave something out or just not have the words to properly describe some things, but here goes…

I learned the magic is real. Let me repeat this, THE MAGIC IS REAL. You guys need to understand, I’ve been wanting to attend a Jen Pastiloff workshop or retreat since I started following her on Facebook last April. Her posts, pictures, and videos about them made me want to a part of it, but most of her retreats were far away. I also believed a 1-day workshop would be my best bet for affordability as the cost of a 2-3 day retreat seemed out of my price range. So these past 2 days were a true gift in every sense of the word. And here’s the kicker, she thanked ME for accepting her scholarship when I went to hug and thank HER!!!

Thursday, New Years Eve, was such a full slate that started with manifestation yoga before breakfast. The yoga was a vinyasa flow I’d never done and it was quite strenuous. It certainly started the emotions and the sweat flowing as well. The music, oh the music magnified the emotion. The journaling and writing prompts pulled it all out of us. Being “in our bodies” and with that presence, what part of our body is speaking to us? What is it saying? What do we need to let go of to be what we are manifesting? Since we named what to let go of, now what? Naming what I am most afraid of. Declaring what intention I need to manifest in the New Year. Learning to be a “Human Thank You”. What am I saying yes to? She taught us to give ourselves a fucking medal! All of these writings were punctuated by more yoga, movement, and music. Jen shared her own personal experiences, strengths, and human frailties. Nothing she asked of us had not already been asked of herself. She was always right there with us. Guiding us, pushing us, uncovering those trying to hide, celebrating our experiences, strengths and frailties. The magic is real. The love, compassion, humor, grace and acceptance is authentic. She wasn’t just in the front of the yoga center she was everywhere that someone was sharing. Right in front of us, with us. Listening fiercely with laser-focused attention. How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved. Asking us to embrace one another with real hugs of love, gratitude, and support. Trust me, after sweating together physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually- we were there. The magic is real

There was free time after breakfast and after lunch. I signed up for a cooking class with Chef Caspar Poyck, who is also a trained digestive therapist. He was responsible for all of the meals at the retreat. The were vegetarian and quite tasty. He expanded my eating palate, my approach to food and how my emotional state can affect the way my body digests food. The class was part lecture and hands-on cooking class. We prepared Thursday’s evening meal. But before we ate dinner, Jen had another spiritual treat planned…

A sound bath by Fawntice Finesse, Sound Therapist. She played from metal bowls from the 17th and 18th centuries forged by monks in Tibet and the Himalayas, a gong and a flute. There are healing properties to sound baths and I can personally attest to just how wonderful the experience was. We laid on our backs with our heads facing her bowls and instruments with a cloth placed over our eyes and just let the tones of the bowls and rhythmic gong verberations wash over us. This is one of those times when words just aren’t adequate to describe the endlessly rising and falling tones from the bowls and reverb from the gong. She played for over 30 minutes I’m sure. When she finished with the bowls and gong, she picked up her flute to play the sweetest, lightest version of Auld Lang Syne I’d ever heard. The magic is real.

On Friday, the last day, we had a light breakfast and then closing circle from 9:30-12:15. And so there was more movement, thankfully a little less than the day before, or I was getting  used to the vinyasa flow. Who knows? There was music, singing along at the top of our lungs, holding hands. More intense writing and sharing. The final writing exercise? Conjuring up what one or two-word phrase was holding us back. (my insecurity) The prompt was “And here’s what the fuck I’m gonna do about it… (yoga, surround myself with positive energy friends, write it out, pray/meditation regular, be a human thank you, be of service, do a mini inventory, ask “is this an old story”, get connected to nature regularly: hiking, read new genres, inspiring books, feel the insecurity and do it anyway). The final song was “The Rose” by Bette Midler. She made us lie down and sing along. I’ve always loved that song and it’s lyrics have always moved me. Singing it as a finale to this retreat? The magic is real.

I haven’t even touched on the connections I made at the retreat. The connections that have continued since then through our private Facebook group and some of the other souls who have already “friended” me on there. As I sit here writing this, I am a Human Thank You. I have arrived in this New Year with an Openness as yet unparalleled. I have a medal of valor from myself and a beautiful medal of compassion from another soul I connected with. A soul whose manifestations I’ve been entrusted with. Our magic is made manifest from love. 

Hmm, I’m under a little time crunch here, which is new for me and this blog. It’s 5:55 am and I have the kitchen to myself for now. No one is up yet. The kitchen is in the main house of the Ojai Eco-Sanctuary where Jen Pastiloff’s New Year’s Retreat is held. I am a guest in the yurt, which is quite a hike away from the main house, which is a very cool thing. It’s a beautiful hike by daylight and especially by moonlight, which is how I arrived here in the kitchen this morning. There is magic here. The magic that started for me earlier this year with Jen Pastiloff over Facebook, of all places. So really, a more accurate statement is, the magic continues!

This blog topic is about more than just arriving in Ojai and The New Year. It’s about God and the Universe continually bringing me to people, places and things that help me find my authentic self and continue my journey to my heart. My journey to “heart” living. The opening circle was amazing. A chance to open ourselves to vulnerability. A chance to write and state what we are manifesting for the coming year. A chance to change our minds about that if we want. A chance to provide the gift of listening fiercely to others. A chance to trust another with your written manifestations, forever. A chance to beauty hunt.

I love Facebook and what I am building it to be for me. FOR ME. It’s been a true place of connection with phenomenal people and pages out there. Not just Jen Pastiloff, although she was the first to reach back to me in a meaningful way. Which gave me the courage to reach out to Becky Vollmer of You Are Not Stuck and Ellie Hodges of Emergent Life. Two fabulous women with incredible messages to offer the world, to offer me, which they have on a personal level. So, I bring up Facebook, because it fairly recently started ‘On This Day’ memory posts that show you what you posted in previous years on that exact date. Today a New Year’s meme showed up in my Facebook memory. This one ——>                       I wrote above the meme that “I am bringing my gifts, my enthusiasm and willingness to discover into 2015! What will you bring to your new year?” The funny thing is until I saw that pop up in my newsfeed at 4:45 am while I was snuggled in my cot in the yurt, I’d forgotten I’d ever written that. But look at how much of that came true! So I really didn’t forget, deep down where my authentic self lives. And really, once again, it goes back to God and the Universe helping me live up to the intentions I set for myself last year. How’s that for magic?

So this blog will be short and sweet as I’ve only been in Ojai for half a day. There is a full day on the slate for New Year’s Eve and to ring in the New Year. Then there is a half a day for Friday, January 1st, 2016. I can’t wait to bring my gifts, enthusiam and willingness to the final days of 2015 so I can tell you about the magic that helps create… Until Saturday’s post, I hope you ring in the New Year safely, in whatever manner you choose. Namaste and much love from Ojai.

If you were around for the launching of my blog you may recall I referred to this as “A journey home to my authentic self, living from my heart which I believe will lead me to a bigger, more open life.” That was a little over four and a half months ago. Looking back now, I can see I was so busy building my brave by writing and walking through my fears that I hadn’t given much thought to how the journey would unfold or where it would lead. I’m still not sure but let me tell you something, living from my heart has taken me to some deeply spiritual, emotional, joyful, insightful and painful places within and without. There are so many examples I could give you but it’s very late. You see, I had this blog topic and the first sentence written on Sunday afternoon. However, right now it’s 12:28 am, Tuesday morning and I’ve been procrastinating as only I can: emotional eating (a double-double from In-N-Out, Cheetos puffs, peanut butter m&m’s and leftover Christmas cookies and Coke Zero) and re-watching a movie I found on tv (The Conjuring). I’ve been avoiding and putting off writing this particular blog because it feels a lot more personal than the others. That seems crazy, right? I mean, all of my blogs have been deeply honest and personal.

My spiritual advisor believes that everything, absolutely everything that happens to us is leading us to our hearts. To a greater understanding, a deeper connection to our higher selves, the Divinity within. In yoga, there are asanas (poses/stretches) designed to access the different chakras. The heart chakra is known as Anahata. The poses and stretches associated with this chakra are called “heart openers”. They evoke strong emotions for me every damn time but I welcome that release these days.

I’ve recently come to understand God and the Universe can also send me “heart openers”. When I least expect them, of course. The most recent ones came on the drive home from Pasadena Christmas night with my middle son, Ahbuh. I touched on it briefly at the end of my previous blog post. He opened my eyes and heart to some hard truths about his older brother that tie directly back to my behaviors as their mother and even to his own feelings and perspective about our family. I didn’t know some “heart openers” can crack your chest wide open until this past weekend. I’m grateful that I was fully present for that time in the car with my son. I’m grateful that I didn’t argue with him too long before accepting his feelings and perspective as valid. I’m grateful that he could open up to me in that way and that I LISTENED. Because I have not always listened or paid attention to my precious middle child, who is so like me. In fact, all of my children have taken after many aspects of my personalities past and present. It has not been easy to see, acknowledge or accept. I wanted so much better for them. I wanted so much for them to do better than I did, not make the same mistakes. So these particular Life “heart openers” have broadened my capacity to process, understand and accept my children. Ah but the pain to breathe through, feel and process along the way…

Tomorrow, Wednesday I’m driving to Ojai, CA for Jennifer Pastiloff’s Annual New Year’s Retreat. I won a scholarship when I entered her essay contest a few months ago. There will be yoga, A LOT of journaling, manifestation workshops, Karaoke, dancing, vegetarian meals, a cooking class and free time to hike, hot tub or swim. It’s three days of what I’m certain will be a great deal of heart opening. So soon after Christmas. It feels like either Life keeps putting me in these situations or I’m actively pursuing them.

Which is exactly what happens when you declare an intention and live from that. Moments like unexpected “heart openers” and winning essay contests still catch me off guard. These are just more situations that I must take on faith. Trust what God and the Universe reveal to me or offers to me. I just need to remember to breathe, trust and above all, show up. These days it takes more than the 80% http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/08/25/showing-up/ . Thank God I’m more than capable of bringing the other 20% today.