Build Your Own Brave

“Set a goal so big that you can’t achieve it until you grow into the person who can” — Anonymous

My morning routine is to roll over, turn off my alarm (which is on my Smartphone), then roll back to my pillow for my prayers and thoughts with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. After my time with God, I’ll go to my laptop in my dining room to post my blog to Facebook if it’s a Tuesday, Thursday or Saturday morning. The other days of the week I jump on my phone to peruse a recovery website called bluidkiti.com for quotes or sayings to post on my Facebook page. If I’m not running late after all of that, I’ll check out my newsfeed before officially getting up to get ready for work.

I came across that meme which I’d seen it quite a few times before today. I always liked and agreed with it in an abstract way. But this morning I felt the recognition inherent in the quote. It made me stop and seriously reflect (a feat almost unheard of without my morning coffee) on how far I’ve come from the days of dissatisfaction with my life, not having a clue how to change it for the better, to what my life is now. Even after I came up with a work and life Mission for myself I was still clueless on how to accomplish it. I wanted to help people, I wanted to live from my heart and use my gifts of insight, empathy, humor and my ability to connect with others. I went through times of confusion, turmoil, fear, and depression. But I didn’t give up on moving forward, even when it felt like I was stuck. I went to my therapy sessions, 12 step meetings, spent time with encouraging, supportive friends and I became willing. Slowly suggestions were made, paths opened up that I was willing to follow through on. Sometimes using baby steps but eventually my blog launched and I answered the question about whether I could consistently write/post meaningful blogs three times a week. I started going to yoga class and eventually discovered another life path open inward and outward for me.

Also, the A-Z Mindful Living series with Ellie Hodges gives a word a day for every letter of the alphabet with suggestions on how to incorporate a mindful practice for that word into daily life. We are up to G for Grounded, but the day before that was F for Flow. She wrote, “Flow is the rhythm that is within and surrounding us.” “When we are aware of our own flow and what puts us in it, we become mindful and more able to adjust to life changes and circumstances as they occur.” “Flow is our own form of ‘balance’ and looks different for each person.” The suggested practice was to reflect on flow in my life with a series of questions about awareness of how it felt, what was happening, etc. After trying that practice and another one, I wrote this to our closed Facebook group about it:

“I love that flow is also another form of balance. Balancing who I am and what I need to flow with the rhythms, growths and contractions of my life as it unfolds. Also sort of knowing that my choices help dictate or create my flow or static (I prefer stagnation). But my life today is no longer one of extremes, merely imbalances that can be adjusted with rest, relaxation, recharging or reconnecting. OR if it’s the opposite and I need initiate more movement, action, activity and reconnecting.
Huh, interesting that reconnecting can be used to either slow my flow when needed or activate it.”

I have set big goals for myself. The very act of setting those intentions has led to consistent choices and paths opening up that have me flowing and growing into the person who will accomplish them. There is a sense of recognition, relief, and inevitability to it.

It’s Monday night and I love the idea that I’ve wrapped up this day with a massage and milk toast for dinner. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this calm and stress-free when I clocked out of work on a typical Monday. It’s been even longer since I booked a massage with my incredible therapist who is truly gifted in engaging me with a short chat to “check-in” before we start, then using her magical hands and soothing studio space to totally bliss me out! And then it’s been years and years since I made milk toast. It was a fabulous taste of nostalgia and quite filling to boot.

I had a good weekend too, even though I didn’t do everything I planned to do. But hey, what else is new. I didn’t go into work for four hours of overtime. My workload was still there Monday morning and I got a much needed extended power nap Saturday afternoon. Which energized me for a dear friend’s retirement party Saturday evening. She was my first real friend outside my department when I started at my current job. That was nine years ago and I will miss her dearly but she looked so happy at her party. It was a great turn out of friends from work. Delicious food, drink and dancing as the picture below shows!

It’s my favorite as the guest of honor is having the time of her life with three fabulous friends that are also sisters. I danced so much and so hard that the toes on my left foot cramped up after I got home and into bed. Ha ha ha, it took a good 25 minutes of massaging my foot and hydrating with water to calm them down. Good times, good times…

Sunday was all about catching up with my good friend Sally over barbecue for lunch, then later the Super Bowl party at my girl Dawny’s house. I’m truly a maniac when it comes to watching sporting events and there were a few friends who’ve never experienced my particular phenomena. My team did not win so I only had one or two sudden outbursts that caused my girlfriend to the right of me to jump and my friend to the left of me to think he might lose his hearing. But in my defense, at the same time Dawny shouted on his other side, so he had us both screaming in stereo. Ha ha ha, again, good times, good times…

It’s been a stretch of days where feeling connected to my life, my friends and my various communities has been particularly strong. It’s so moving to feel this way. I was running way late for Lydia’s retirement party and just as I was pulling into the parking lot I got a text from my girl Sandi saying “Where r u?”. On the drive home from the party, I got a text from a different friend/little brother in the program thanking me for gifting one of my 7 year AA tokens for his anniversary. He was receiving one that night, but I was committed to going to the retirement party and someone who was going to be at the 12 step meeting where he was celebrating his anniversary asked if I had a 7-year token. I keep my old tokens in a beautiful wooden box from an old sponsor and gifting them to others is a way we “keep what we have by giving it away”. Getting back to today, I connected with things that fed my well-being like a massage and to my sense of childhood with milk toast. 

I can’t help but believe these stronger feelings of connection stem from the Mindful Living A-Z series and my spiritual advisor’s assignments about being more present. It’s all connected isn’t it? The cool part is that it’s an extension of being mindful and appreciating what is already in place in my life. I like it.

“Despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves” — Matt Khan

Newsflash, some people have no desire to meet themselves on any level. Others aren’t even aware that’s an option. So what do you do? What can you do? You keep doing you. This means continue to be open, peaceful and loving to those who can appreciate it, to those who can value it and return it. As for the others, you can accept where they are capable of meeting you, as long as it is not harmful or abusive. Accept them and move on or let go, whichever the case may be.

This, of course, is much easier said than done. Especially if it is someone close to you, even family. Trust me, I’ve been here with good friends, my children and family at various points in my life. Let me tell you… When Baby Bub turned 14 years old, she went through a hellacious she-devil phase! And trust me, she-devil, is not the word I wanted to use when referring to her during that time in our lives. It lasted 3 years too! Just about everything I said or did back then caused her to blow up with extreme anger, exasperation or frustration. How did I get through that phase without wringing her neck, jumping down her throat or escalating the situation by reacting in kind? I had friends, who had been through this warn me ahead of time. They assured me it would pass, allowed me to vent my anger and frustration to them, and they commiserated with me. I also had 12 step meetings, a sponsor and my support group of close friends. I also had a sense of humor. I didn’t try to force her to be anything other than who she was at that time unless she crossed a line, which she did a time or two. Once I gave her that boundary, she never crossed it again but continued to push. She gradually came out of that phase. So gradually that I didn’t recognize it for what it was at first.

It doesn’t get any easier when your children are adults. It’s actually harder. It’s not easy to see close friends go through similar situations with their own children. But I get to be the one, this time, to reassure them, commiserate and remind them that it’s ok to be open, peaceful and loving. Just not with these people who don’t appreciate, or just aren’t capable of it right now. Allow people to be who they are. Love them but don’t let them harm you. Accept and understand what is in your control or influence and what or who is not.

Again, this is much easier said than done. What if it is a friend or acquaintance within a circle of friends or community? The same concept applies. Understand they are being the best version of themselves that they are capable of. Sometimes people are just not in a healthy place and those around them may not be the healthiest either. What do you do? What can you do? You keep doing you and let them go be who they are. Understand that they are not capable of meeting themselves on a meaningful level, be grateful you can and move on. Don’t take on what isn’t yours, no matter how hard they try to make it yours.

Here is what I am grateful for today. At this stage of my life, I am old enough, mature enough and evolved enough to steer clear of the vast majority of bullshit in life. I’d like to think I’m also intuitive enough to steer clear of those who stir up bullshit and drama in their lives along with the lives of others. Even when it’s family. It’s that simple, but boy is it ever hard. Of course, most anything worthwhile in life is, isn’t it? I mean, that’s the price for real maturity, spiritual growth and emotional sobriety as well as physical sobriety.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. — A Return to Love: Reflection on the Principles of “A Course In Miracles”, by Marianne Williamson

My friend Laura sent this poem to me in an email almost exactly three years ago. She and another friend went to lunch that day. They were discussing how they needed to value themselves and learn to love themselves. They talked about how hard it was for everyone and they’d need to work at it. This is where I came into the conversation, our mutual friend felt like I loved myself and admired me for that. Laura wrote she thought the above poem applied to me, the last line especially. The email made me cry, of course. Laura couldn’t have known how much this poem already meant to me or that every time I read or hear it read aloud, I identify so deeply with the first parts of the poem. And I aspire to the rest of it with every fiber of my being. She couldn’t have known that I’ve admired the quality of authenticity in those closest to me, which unconsciously gives me permission to do the same. I remember telling my younger sister, Michelle, this very thing almost 10 years ago. That just being around her and seeing how comfortable she is with herself made me a little more ok with being me. At that time in my life 10 years ago, it was a huge thing.

The reason I write about this tonight is because my spiritual advisor gave me an assignment this week, that is really a carryover from last week because she wants me to watch or notice the same things. Remember my Mission for my work and life? To communicate, facilitate and inspire healthy meaningful connection through spirituality. Which I believe working as a Life Coach, Yoga Teacher, and a Writer will help me do. Help people connect to themselves and others in healthy, meaningful ways. My spiritual advisor wants me to continue to practice mindfulness/presence, be grateful and above all try to notice all the ways I am already communicating, facilitating and inspiring others right now. She bets that there are many instances.

You see, after the high of completing my yoga challenge, treating myself to a Sound Healing Bath and Rosco’s Chicken and Waffles, I started to tumble into a space of resistance and negativity. This manifested in a variety of ways, all of which I discussed with my advisor. What came out of it was how much I am still afraid of just how bright my light might be inside. But she is right. I have quite a few friends of late that have told me how inspiring my life is to them. That makes me uncomfortable sometimes. Why is it that others see the good, the great, the light in us before we allow ourselves to know it, to feel it, to embrace it? My friend Laura is right. It is hard to value ourselves and learn to love ourselves. We have to work at it. I’ve been doing it for close to 20 years now and I’ve definitely made progress. I suspect I’m closer to loving and valuing myself more than I realize. I bet you all are too.

It may seem redundant to write about my yoga challenge since I posted about it daily from Day 3 but I think it’s important for me to recognize just what it’s done for me. The challenge was facilitated by my home studio, Bright Yoga, for the month of January. Before then, I had been attending Yin yoga classes twice a week fairly consistently since August of last year. I want to repeat that for you and myself. I had been attending yoga classes twice a week since August of last year. As of today, February 1st, I’ve developed a bonafide yoga practice! The teachers at my studio would often encourage us to practice yoga at home or develop a home practice and it was definitely something I wanted to do. I just didn’t feel confident enough in my ability to remember enough asanas (poses) or  in my ability to execute them outside of a studio where I could alway look to the teacher or the next student.

Truth be told, and this is something I did confess to in a prior blog, I didn’t intend to do the challenge. I had been upset and mildly resentful about a misunderstanding of just when I was to start yoga teacher training. However, I had just wrapped up a Yoga Manifestation Retreat in Ojai on New Years Day with Jen Pastiloff. That was January 1st and we definitely did some yoga that morning before closing circle. I’d also discovered or uncovered my intention for 2016 was to be open to what’s presented or offered or to allow Life to unfold as it presents itself. January 1st was a Friday. Back home the next day, I headed to my home studio because I normally attend the Saturday 9:30 am Yin yoga class. My teacher, Tracy, made an announcement about the 31-day challenge for January and offered the suggestion of practicing some yoga at home if we couldn’t get to the studio every day. She said for our home practice we could do some breathing, meditation and a few gentle stretches for 10-15 minutes. The studio offered extra classes so there would be some available every day of the week as well. I thought to myself that I could breathe, meditate and stretch for 10-15 minutes. And it just so happened to work out that I had done yoga every day of January so far. The next day, Sunday, after a meeting in the park, I busted out my yoga mat under a tree and got busy. It was pretty darn cool and I didn’t have any problem remembering a few asanas or executing them! I practiced yoga by firelight several times and even once practiced a little in the shower. 

Back to recognizing what a daily practice of yoga has done for me. It immediately made me realize I would NOT have been mentally or physically prepared for yoga teacher training after the first of the year. I am much better prepared and I will continue to prepare myself for training in the Spring. My strength, endurance, flexibility, and balance have improved a lot. I’ve been introduced to and I am learning Vinyasa yoga, which is a faster flow and more strenuous style. I’ve gotten to know more of the wonderful other students at Bright Yoga because I took different classes. They were all so wonderfully helpful and encouraging. I’ve learned I am capable of recreating a safe, challenging space for myself at home using my yoga practice, just as Bright Yoga does for me when I practice there. Seriously, my day 29 home practice was absolutely transformative. I am more committed, determined and directed as ever to practice yoga personally and professionally. My goal is to continue strengthening my yoga asana practice and read more on the other seven limbs of yoga!

Now on to Mindful Living A-Z for the month of February. I created a closed group for the women who’ve signed up so far. Who am I???  Stay tuned for what practicing Mindfulness will do.

NAMASTE