Build Your Own Brave

I had grand, bold plans for 2016. They centered around moving forward like gangbusters to fulfill my Mission for Work and Life. I had smaller goals in place to meet the financial requirements to accomplish my plans too. Ah but then my Higher Power revised my plans. Not with anything specific mind you. Just a couple of “Whoa Nellie” moments to rein me in. A few time frame adjustments came along with the “whoa Nellies”. Then there were opportunities and teaching moments placed in my path.

I’d like to say I responded to each of these Divine Revisions with grace and acceptance. But since I’ve been blogging through all of this, y’all would know I’m lying. What I have been able to do is break through my disappointment and resistance much faster to get to a place of acceptance, then grace. I’ve grown stronger in my Faith over the last year based on experience. Last year at this time, I was lost, scared and depressed because I felt I had stalled in my quest to determine what my Mission for Work and Life was. I had most of it figured out but felt clueless how to proceed forward with determining the rest of what my path should be. It was a pretty brutal time. On the one hand, I was in therapy every other week working on myself. But when I wasn’t in therapy I was desperately overworked, unhappy and stressed at work. I was sedentary on my couch, stuck at a home I’d hated for a long time, zoning out on television, emotionally overeating and re-reading romance novels about time-traveling druid lairds. There were trips to a local casino I affectionately referred to as “my boyfriend”. I went every other Friday (payday), rarely winning, nearly always feeling worse and more ashamed than I did when I arrived.

I can smile and almost reminisce fondly about those days. Almost, but it was a truly miserable existence where I had no real faith in myself to change or make my way out of it. Ah me of little faith only a year ago. Looking at where I am now with my life, I’m feeling pretty damn good. No, I’m feeling better than that. I’m writing, blogging regularly. I’m a bonafide yogi with a yoga practice. I’m mindful and present in a way that I’ve always wanted to be but wasn’t sure I was capable. So the Yoga Teacher Training won’t occur exactly when or, maybe not even where I planned. It will happen. My trip to Bali for advanced Yoga Teacher Training most likely won’t happen by year’s end. If it is God’s Will, that’ll happen when it’s supposed to as well.

What is being shown and revealed to me gives me more knowledge and strength of self. It’s showing me where I need to increase my knowledge and strength of self. I’ve been approached by a trusted angel-friend about joining a women’s entrepreneur group with a host of information, resources, and tools. I’m using professional resources that I was guided to and receiving a lot of useful feedback and direction. Feeling this mindfulness with inner knowledge and strength helps me deal with a job that hasn’t changed for the better. I moved to a new place, where I took the time and energy to make it feel like a home. I love walking into my home after I’ve been out in the world.

More importantly, I have the profoundly transformative experience, strength, and hope of the past year to solidify my Faith in God’s Revision. He has helped me create safe spaces within myself and outside of myself. The truth is if He’s taken me from there to here, there is just no limit to where He will place me this time next year and beyond. No limit but what I might place on myself.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this but, it was an occurrence or milestone of sorts, mainly because it wasn’t an occurrence or milestone. I believe this past Valentine’s Day was the first one since I’ve been single where it was just a really good, ordinary day which happened to be a Sunday. My mom was in town for the long weekend as a pit stop on her nearly month-long vacation from her fabulously retired life.

First off, I haven’t felt lonely or depressed about Valentine’s Day in God knows how long. I am a woman who has learned to truly enjoy her own company and to treat or pamper herself. But when my children were young, I used to make a big deal about getting them cards, candy, and balloons. As they got older, I gave them more age appropriate Valentines gifts. But Baby Bub is 20 years old now and does not care one hoot about the holiday. Her brothers are 28 and 25, and it hasn’t occurred to me to get them anything in years.

Honestly, the weekend was about enjoying my visit with my Mom. I got to reconnect with myself and the things I enjoy as well as reconnect with my mom. I made it up and out of the house early on Saturday morning to get a hike in with my BFF Sarah and another friend before hightailing it over to my yoga studio for my 9:30 Yin Yoga class. After that, my mom and I joined Sarah and her hubby Rod for breakfast at a local diner we all like. Then she and I went to get pedicures. I posted a picture of both of us getting pedicures with #SelfCare #SelfLove #BeingMyOwnValentine. But you know what? My toes were jacked up and long overdue for one, so I would have gotten them done even if it wasn’t Valentine’s Day. It was just more special because I got to share the experience with my mom. My nail salon knows me well so they treated my mom well. We had a grand time.

On Sunday, which was actually Valentine’s Day, I fulfilled my regular service commitment in the park in the morning. When I got home, I decided to take my mom to a quaint little tourist town in the mountains called Julian for the afternoon. There are shops and restaurants along the main street with a lot of foot traffic. She loved it. In fact, after finding a fabulous parking spot and crossing our first street, we came upon a llama. That’s right, Pava the llama was standing placidly on the street corner taking pictures with folks. I couldn’t believe my eyes and just laughed because I really shouldn’t be surprised at what I encounter in Southern California anymore. She took a picture with him and I briefly considered taking one too until it’s owner told him to turn his head towards the camera and I saw how big his TEETH were! In any case, after Pava, we moved on to some shops where my mom was in 7th heaven buying some fabulous things. We stopped at a streetside winery called Blue Door Winery to get her a Sangria, which she said was delicious. We went on to have a yummy late lunch at The Julian Grille before heading back home for a nap. The weather was just perfect so the drive to and from the mountain town was just as pleasant as the excursion itself. I honestly would have forgotten it was Valentine’s Day if it wasn’t for the Facebook posts. It was just another great sunny day in February for Southern California. How cool is that?

I’m gaining a lot of insight from the A-Z Mindful Living series with Ellie Hodges. She’s up to M for Meditation, but I haven’t read that one yet. So far there have been mindful exercises and suggested practices for Awareness, Breathe, Compassion, Embodied Experience, Flow, Grounded, Honour, Interdependence, Journey, Kindred, and Less. The daily emails are accompanied by Ellie’s written experiences with each word/practice in her personal life and evolution. She asks us to post our thoughts or experiences with each word/practice in our closed Facebook page. I have been very open and consistent in providing my thoughts, insights and experiences and she gives a lot of good feedback or encouragement. I’m getting a lot out of this and I’m enjoying the process but one of the unexpected and unforeseen consequences is how exhausting it is expending energy being mindful and present so much of the time. I was talking to my spiritual advisor tonight and she asked me what being more mindful has meant for me. In retelling my experiences to her, I started realizing how tiring it is to be mindful and present in the ways suggested by this series. I’m feeling things more intensely, I’m more aware of so much that would either go unnoticed or I just ignored. My responses are from a more thoughtful, deliberate place inside of me as well. I told her it’s only in remembering just how I unconsciously existed through my life before that I get why I’m so exhausted now. This is some serious work. Worthwhile and uncomfortable yet rewarding, but work nonetheless. It’s also a skill set that will be essential in carrying out my Work and Life Mission. As with any skill, it will take continued practice for it to develop and be useful. Nor will it always be exhausting as it becomes a regular practice for me personally and professionally.

Another situation that’s come up for me concerns my anticipated yoga teacher training. I reached out to a resource I’ve been corresponding with who co-founded and helps run an international yoga school. She is also a Life Coach and we’ve been exchanging emails every month or so. I recently asked for her opinion on teacher training programs as I have some questions and concerns. She gave me some extremely helpful and clarifying information and direction. She wrote that she was sure I have enough business background to recognize some of the points and issues she wrote about. She ended with instructing me to do my research and use my gut. I was taken aback by two things. One, she assumed I had a strong business background and intuition, which is another word for “use my gut”. Two, I wasn’t entirely sure or confident in my business background or intuition. Which is a little ridiculous in some ways, but also something for me to look at further developing. As those are also needed skills for my new professions.

All of this continues to give me more confidence in God’s timing in how the Universe unfolds. This is all part of the process, my process, and evolution into who God is calling me to be. When I feel myself getting discouraged, frustrated or resistant I remember the intention I set for myself in Ojai for 2016. To be Open and Allowing… In this case for gearing up.

About seven years ago, I was having something of an identity crisis as near as I can describe it. I’d just finished an in-depth and intense workshop of sorts called a Step Study with four other women. It took almost four months to complete. At the end, it revealed just how insecure and needy I still was about myself. I had been so busy being a chameleon to fit in and be accepted that I felt like I had no clue who I was or what I was truly about AFTER 12 YEARS IN SOBRIETY! This was also distressing at the time because I had decided to work with a different spiritual advisor after 10 years with my current one. I was still getting to know this new spiritual advisor and one afternoon over coffee I ended up tearfully confessing my fear and anguish that I wasn’t sure who I was after all this time in recovery. I was afraid to lose friends and acquaintances. She reached across the table, put her hand over mine to speak quietly, earnestly and with confidence. She said we’d work together to discover who I was working from the AA Big Book and that she was taught to determine five qualities or principles about herself. Five things she brought to the table which represented who she was, and more importantly, informed others who she was. What principles she was about regardless of the situation or who she was dealing with. I felt a sense of calm and relief at her words, even though I had no clue what five qualities I wanted to represent myself. I just knew I trusted her experience, strength and hope to help me.

My first quality was chosen by her. She gifted me the word “consideration” when presenting me with a sobriety token because she observed I was thoughtful in my responses to situations. I carefully considered things and I was a very considerate person to boot. That started the ball rolling for me and as we read through the AA Big Book, working the steps I uncovered more. Allow me to introduce myself.

CONSIDERATION means I don’t leap when it comes to actions and drawing conclusions. I look before I leap, sometimes I take a while to look. And I am considerate and empathetic with others.

COURAGE means that even though I am afraid a lot of the time, especially with new things, I am still willing to walk through my fears to get to the other side. To learn, grow and evolve. courage means I can and will stand up for what I believe is right or what AA/NA has taught me is right for myself.

INTEGRITY means I am honest and straightforward about what’s right whether someone is around or not. I stand by my words and deeds. I show up for others and myself.

HUMOR is my deal breaker! It has saved my sanity, nourished my spirit and soothed my soul. I love laughter through tears. I love laughing at myself because I don’t take myself or life too seriously. I love laughing with others. I find the humor in situations to make them bearable, better or just to put things in perspective.

OPEN HEART/MIND means I meet you where you are with who and what I am. Humility in accepting people, places, and things. An open heart to be of service to my fellows, my community, and society. An open mind to expand who I am and what I know.

These qualities didn’t pop into my mind or life all at once. Some were already in place, it just took working steps to help me see them in myself. These five qualities are not all I am about, but that’s what I bring to the table no matter what. I don’t remember all of them as things come up, but I don’t always need all of them to respond, react or handle a situation or a person. It’s helped me continually grow and evolve with a sense of authenticity, grace and strength.

I went to bed early Thursday night because I have been staying up way too late on “school” nights lately. It’s starting to wear on me and I’m not doing well. My energy level is off, my coping skills decrease and I’m not pleased with the end results of my efforts in self-care, spiritual practices or  my yoga practice. I thought one good night’s sleep would do the trick. But I woke up just as tired as I usually do, which instantly disheartened and upset me. I put in minimal prayers to my Higher Power and stayed in bed Facebooking until the last possible minute. Thank God it was casual Friday so I didn’t have to put much effort into my appearance. Oh, and my Mom was coming for a visit. Something I’d known about for quite some time but still had not done much cleaning around the house. She hasn’t been to my new place yet because she lives in Northern California and last visited in April of last year before I even knew I would be moving.

I’m getting better at showing up on days like this. I’m usually a little more quiet, though. Today at work was no exception. I made an effort to shake off this feeling. But it’s not always that simple or easy. There is an inner dialogue that can be relentless on days like this. It’s all about what I’m not doing: not sleeping enough, not eating healthy enough, not exercising enough, not cleaning my house enough, not putting enough effort into my appearance, I need a pedicure, I need a relaxer touch-up for my hair, I need a shower, I need to pay bills before I spend my paycheck, because you know you will do that- you’ve done it before, your credit score is slipping, your not saving enough money… and on and on and on! Good Lord, even I didn’t realize I was feeling all of THAT.

I get moments or blocks of time of relief from this inner dialogue with its molasses in January quagmire of icky feeling which comes along with. Thank God I work with humorous, supportive people because my job is almost never the best place to be when I’m like this. Plus it was Friday and we have a three day weekend with Monday off for President’s Day. I asked a co-worker if she was willing to walk to a local restaurant for lunch because the weather was glorious. I needed the fresh air and exercise, so did she and it ended up being a great energy and mood booster. The walk one way was 15 minutes and we made it in exactly one hour!

I was even starting to feel better about my Mom coming because I thought I’d have time to get home and tidy up before she got into town. I really should have known better because she called when I was about 15 minutes from home asking where I was because she was parked outside my apartment complex. Baby Bub wasn’t answering her phone so no one was available to let my Mom in. Cue the inner dialogue that was just waiting to resume sucking me into it’s icky quagmire. I have, to be honest, though, my Mom is not one of those super critical mothers about housekeeping. She’s not critical at all. It’s just me, of course. I got home as soon as I could and let her in the front door. She loved the place the minute she walked in. That’s another thing about my Mom, she is honest and forthright. If she didn’t like it or found fault, she would say something. My place isn’t that bad, it’s just cluttered as hell because that’s how Baby Bub and I roll. Once we got Mom settled, we decided to go out to eat, her treat.

Can I just say it’s a whole other experience being a back seat passenger while your 20-year-old daughter is driving your car and your Mom is in the front seat? It’s always entertaining being in the company of those two fine examples of generational moxie. Because as I’m writing this, I’m realizing that my DAUGHTER is also an honest and forthright person! Dinner was great, the ride home was great and as I sit here blogging and winding down from my day, I’m feeling a lot better. The inner dialogue is quiet.

I’m going to hop in the shower before going to bed. I have plans to do a short hike with my BFF and another friend early in the morning before heading to my Saturday Yin Yoga class. I will pay bills, get a pedicure, hook up my hair and enjoy this time with my Mom. I will do lots of breathing and reminding myself that I AM ENOUGH. On any given day, in any given manifestation of myself, regardless of what my inner dialogue says. I AM ENOUGH and I am very much loved by many.