Build Your Own Brave

We may lose our Queens but their love and legacy live on in the memories and souls of sons, daughters, granddaughters, grandsons, sisters, brothers, husbands, nieces, nephews and great-grandchildren… Rather than compose something new I’ve chosen to link you to an older post:

http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/09/03/the-queens-from-whence-i-came/

RIP Virginia Reeves aka Aunt Mungie, wife of Tom, mother of Dawn and Debbie, Nanny to Deanna, Demarcus, Taylor, Tyra and Braylen. Sister of Marie, Marva and Patty. Aunt of too many to name. A woman who meant so much to so very many.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve dated or been in a relationship. Somewhere north of 15 years but south of 20. Yes, it’s been THAT long. So it’s kind of a big deal to put me out there.  Yet, it doesn’t really feel like a big deal. Plus the question isn’t really to date or not to date. It’s not even a question of am I ready. I’ve been ready to date for a while now. I’ve gotten over the fear of losing my sense of self over a man because truly, what you see is what you’ll get. I’m happy and self-assured with who I am and what I can offer today. I’m over the unrealistic romantic notions of dating and relationships that I didn’t know I carried until I started to recognize and accept honest, healthy examples my friends showed me.

It’s been seven years since I had that identity crisis of not knowing who I was and not wanting to go another 12 years without a relationship. Because that was the other part of my fear and upset when I confessed to my then new spiritual advisor in my blog http://buildyourownbrave.com/2016/02/16/what-i-bring-to-the-table/. I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life but I didn’t know or trust who I was at the time. But now? To paraphrase that fabulous Virgina Slims ad, “I’ve come a long way, baby!”

The reason this is coming up because a new co-worker, who recently starting dating suggested I try a social media app called Tinder. The first time she mentioned it, I didn’t really give it much thought. But a day or so later, she turned to me to again to clarify that Tinder is a really good app for meeting people. It didn’t have to be a “hook-up” as it’s usually known for. She was really enthusiastic about it and I gave it some thought. Then this weekend I was watching a talk show on the OWN network called It’s Not You, It’s Men. They had the founder of Tinder and a sociologist talking about how the app worked. This felt like a little more than a coincidence so I posted a status on Facebook stating that I was thinking of trying Tinder and asked for comments, concerns or suggestions. As you can imagine, or already saw or personally responded, I had all manner of comments, concerns, and suggestions. I had some reach out to me via private message with good feedback and suggestions on other social media sites based on their experience. A friend or two approached me at work to express their opinions too. Honestly, it was pretty amusing and very, very touching to feel the love and concern of my tribe. 

The answer to the blog topic is no, that is not the question. The question is that with so much on my plate already concerning recovery, blogging, yoga with upcoming yoga training, writing workshops, working towards my Work/Life Mission, being a long distance but crazy-in-love Mae-Mae (grandma) and working at a full-time stressful job, do I even want to throw DATING into the mix??? Considering the energy, time and effort I might have to use weeding through posers, jokers, players, and cheaters; probably not. HA HA! Probably not, at least not right now. But it feels good to know I’m a little closer. More importantly, it feels incredible to know I’m not driven by any unhealthy need to “find” someone to “complete or rescue” me. Until then, you KNOW I’ll keep ya posted! 

I first heard this term holding space from my then new yoga teacher last summer when I started attending classes. I wasn’t sure that it meant, but she would say it often when referring to why she laughs while teaching classes instead of cries as emotions come up for her when she holds certain asanas (poses). Or why she doesn’t do Savasana (corpse pose) at the end of class with us. She’d say she couldn’t because she was holding space for us, students. Gradually I started to sense what this term meant based on how I progressively felt with each yoga class. I felt safe but in a broader, deeper sense of the word. Not just safe physically, but emotionally, spiritually and mentally. An all encompassing safety which allows for me to be challenged by the asanas or even myself. An all encompassing safety which allows for emotions, often accompanied with tears and feelings of grief or loss. A space where there is no judgment, condemnation or censure. There is acceptance, encouragement, support, humor and love without conditions. It’s absolutely incredible and so wonderful to experience. I think of Bright Yoga as my home studio. I’ve done yoga in other places, like a yoga manifestation retreat in Ojai and My Om Yoga studio in Huntington Beach for an essential oils lecture with a sound bath. They’ve been challenging and transformative in the case of the retreat and just phenomenal in the case of the sound bath. I am sure I will venture to other studios for various yoga related activities and events, but Bright Yoga is where my regular practice and primary yogini bonds are formed. It’s not just the teachers, my other fellow students are just as responsible for creating room for our teachers to hold space for us! The best part of this is our teachers are always encouraging us to create and maintain a home practice of yoga, which in turn teaches us to hold space for ourselves.

I’d been thinking about writing a blog on this topic when a fellow writer posted a link which explained it so perfectly. In my research of this term hold space, I was directed again and again to an academic named Heather Plett who wrote a blog about what the phrase meant for her, which went viral. She defined it as this,  “It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control.” Here is the link my writer friend posted on Facebook, which is an article by Heather Plett herself: http://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hold-space/

Looking back over my life, I realize my 12 step meetings were the first places to hold space for me when I so desperately needed it. The meetings, in turn, encouraged me to get a spiritual advisor, known as a sponsor, to guide me through the 12 steps. These advisors walked with us through our journey of recovery, without judgment yet providing guidance with unconditional support as we worked on ourselves. Sound familiar? Eventually, this taught spiritual discernment in seeking out, being drawn to or recognizing people and places that can hold space for me. All before I had a true definition or recognition of the thing. I just love getting a glimpse of how God and The Universe can unfold for us.

So to answer my original question in my blog topic, my kick-ass therapist is a no brainer, as is my spiritual advisor. The facilitator of The Big Island Writers Workshop, Beth Bornstein Dunnington, does a phenomenal job of  holding space for us writers to discover our stories, explore them in a deeper way and share them. I have many, many friends who love me dearly but less than a handful that can hold space, and that’s mainly because it’s damn near impossible to not want to fix or impact an outcome for someone you love that is hurting or struggling. I’m not talking about “yes” friends who co-sign bullshit either, I moved away from those types of friendships years ago. I’m talking about the one or two friends you can go to with your heart cracked wide open, your world falling apart or your back against the wall. The rare friend that will hold your hand or walk beside you giving you silent compassion and space to grieve, hurt, learn the lesson and grow stronger. Without judgment, advice, rescue or taking control. It’s a priceless, invaluable privilege to have these people in my life and I aspire to give them the same. 

I know this is a good topic for my blog. I know it because I and a lot of close friends have been struggling with it lately. Yet I’ve put off writing it because I’m uncomfortable and I’m still dancing around the topic. Let’s start with, I hit the ground running from the very start of 2016.

I rang in the New Year in Ojai at Jen Pastiloff’s Manifestation retreat. I did a lot of mental and spiritual preparation to do many, many things I’d never done before. It was fantastic, it was uncomfortable, it was transformative. After arriving home, the next day I got back into my regular routine with Saturday morning Yin Yoga. I briefly and reluctantly considered whether to participate in my studio’s 31 days of yoga in January challenge. On January 3rd, I committed to participating, and I fulfilled it admirably. It was another fantastic, uncomfortable and transformative experience. So much so that before it was over, I was looking for another challenge for February. Along came the beautiful soul, Ellie Hodges with her An Emergent Life Facebook page. She offered an A-Z Mindful Living email series for the month of February. And so, a new endeavor was discovered and accepted. All of that in addition to working full time at an extremely stressful, demanding job, attending 12 step meetings, fulfilling community commitments, attending yoga classes, going to a writer’s workshop and a visit from my Mom.

This was just the first six weeks of 2016! I was halfway through the A-Z Mindful Living series and it had taken a lot more mental, emotional, spiritual and physical energy than I anticipated. This journey of building my brave and learning to live from my heart can be downright exhausting at times. But’s it’s fucking worth it.

Dawny called last Thursday morning while I was driving to work to ask if I would spend Saturday with her and her mother, celebrating her mom’s 70th birthday. I was touched beyond words. You see, Dawny is my best friend and her mother, Doris, is my spiritual advisor that I write so glowingly about here in my blog. Doris’ birthday wasn’t until the following Wednesday but last weekend was the best time for us to celebrate. When given the choice of doing anything she wanted for her birthday, Doris decided she’d like to hang with Dawny and me because we have so much fun together. Dawny made it clear that she didn’t know what mom wanted to do, but we’d be with her all day whatever it was. I was down for the cause. Friday after work I headed to Party City to get a special tiara and feather boa for the birthday gal. 

However, when I got home after a fully exhausting week of work, I seemed to have hit a wall. My alarm went off Saturday morning at 6:30 am to get ready to go hiking with my other BFF Sarah. Then there would be my 9:30 Saturday Yin Yoga class to get to. When that was over, I was to rush home to shower and get ready for Dawny to pick me up to head down to Doris for her Birthday adventures. I made a conscious (Executive) decision to go back to sleep and not show up to hike or for yoga class. There was just no way I was going to have the energy to do those things and spend all day with Dawny and Doris. I gave myself permission to not show up and it was the right thing to do.

It wasn’t easy and I felt  really guilty about it but I did not allow something that was difficult and guilt-inducing stop me from giving myself what I needed. Rest, Restoration, Recharge time. Why is that so hard for us loving, busy, productive women to do? I know I’ve struggled with showing up for most of my life. But now that I am showing up? Sometimes a no show is self-care. I highly recommend it once in a while.

Let’s get right to the catalyst for this latest frustrated and slightly (SLIGHTLY) petulant tizzy of mine. Baby Bub got her belly button pierced. I am not happy, to put it mildly, and I didn’t speak to her for two full days. Then she started being nice to me because she knew I was mad. Nicer than usual, because she’s not really all that nice to me. She’s not mean either. Just kind of indifferent, as only a 20-year-old can be with her mother. Yes, she is 20. Yes, she is a good girl, who is NOT boy crazy, nor does she wear crop tops or suggestive clothing. Yes, she makes her own money. Yes, I know it could be worse as in a nipple or genital piercing. Yes, I know she ALREADY has a nose piercing and a tattoo. Yes, I have two tattoos myself. Most of those statements are in response to what my friends commented on Facebook when I posted the picture that Baby Bub texted me with the caption “Yes, it is real”. I didn’t speak or respond to most of those friends for a couple of days too.

Here is the rub and why I finally approached my ex-cubicle mate at work, Kristen. The one who made the “she’s a good girl, remember that” comment and therefore, had been on my semi-shit list. Baby Bub is leaving on a trip to Nashville tomorrow for a long weekend. I can’t have my daughter flying across the country and something terrible happens while I’m angry and not talking to her. I’d never recover from something like that. But I was still mad! I’m running this all down to Kristen, with two other friends that work in her new cubicle, who are also Facebook friends that posted comments about this situation. When I told them the part about Baby Bub being nice to me, Kristen interrupted to say, “Of course. She’s probably scared of you like we are.” That shocked me and took quite a bit of the wind from my sails because Kristen is goddamn scary when she’s mad, so I thought that was kind of hilarious that she’d say that about me.

I’m angry and frustrated because there are better things Baby Bub could and damn well should be spending her money on. Like saving for a car. She really needs one and we had an opportunity for her to buy one about four or five months ago, but she backed down and let it fall to the wayside. She blew her savings on snowboarding equipment and travel trips to Nashville. She doesn’t want the responsibility of owning a car, being responsible for gas money, insurance and upkeep. More accurately, she’s afraid of it. We went through the same thing when she failed the driving test for her driver’s license when she was 17 years old.  She refused to even try to take it until 3 weeks before her 19th birthday. This is not about her using my car either. She walks to and from her job when I’m at work. She’s limited in the kind of jobs she can work here in our small town and it has to be within walking distance. She is a great worker with a solid work ethic. She hasn’t missed a day of work from her job at Dunkin Donuts and often times they schedule her to open the store at 3:30 am.

My friends say I have to talk to her about why I’m upset and they are right. Communications between her and I have not gone smoothly in the past. I also am not sure about the fine line between pushing her too hard to grow up and insisting she takes on more adult responsibilities like owning a car which would give her more freedom and opportunity. I’m sick of being the grown up in this household. I’ve been doing it for 28 years since I gave birth to my oldest child. I’m ready for my girl-child to grow up.