Hiding In Plain Sight

I think my generation was the last to grow up with the “children should be seen but not heard” style of childrearing. That meant we could be in the room with adults but we mustn’t call attention to ourselves. We especially weren’t supposed to interject ourselves into any of their conversations. If we did we were told to “stay out of grown folks business”. In some ways, it allowed a great deal of freedom to get away with all manner of childhood shenanigans because adults weren’t paying attention if you followed the rule of not being disruptive.

I carried this tendency into my teenage and adult years. I was good at “disappearing” at a social function by simply attaching myself to the edge of a group or even better, attaching myself to someone who didn’t have a problem calling attention to themselves. Thereby allowing me to fade into the background. I did this during in-patient treatment groups in my early recovery. I was a “functioning” addict/alcohol, which mean I hadn’t gone to jail, lost my children to social services, lived on the streets or hadn’t had the visible physical “rock bottom” like the other patients. I was also well spoken, well read and had been to therapy, so I was able to sound good in groups when we were learning about our disease. The counselors and facilitators didn’t need to focus so much on me because of the issues the other patients had and I was able to grasp and parrot back what they were teaching us about our disease and dysfunction. I actually learned a great deal about my disease, but I didn’t always get the help I needed to deal with it.

The funny thing about 12 step meetings and groups outside of treatment is there is no place to hide. Old timers will allow you to think you’re hiding, but you only fooling yourself, not the group. I just didn’t want to be seen or noticed, which is actually pretty funny because I have a huge laugh and I’m pretty outgoing with people I know. All the same, my 12-step family pretty much forced me into situations where I had to be front and center, being of service week after week for a year. Let me tell you, it was quite uncomfortable for a while. Then it got better and people still tell me how much joy it gives them to see me continue to blossom.

While I still struggle with this tendency of mine, I am blossoming despite it. Do you know that I used to hate taking pictures? I hated how I looked and felt about myself. I don’t have that problem anymore. I do things like accept a video challenge for the first time ever and post it to someone’s page. All the while not believing mine will be chosen since the page had over 70,000 followers. It got chosen and uploaded for all the world to see. I also submitted an essay with a lot of intense personal content from my childhood, in hopes of winning a scholarship and publication. Again, it got chosen, I won the scholarship to a yoga manifestation retreat and my intense personal essay will be published in exactly 9 days on January 18th.

The truth is the intentions I have for my mission and careers in yoga, coaching and writing pretty much guarantee that I’ll be seen. It’s already started. I’m making videos, I’m  posting selfies, I’m accepting challenges and I’m writing so my voice will be heard. I’m finally willing… “To be seen you must first be willing to give up the places where you hide.”