Forgiveness and More Forgiveness Work

Occasionally I pull out numerous notebooks I keep at my writing desk and around my bedroom to look for inspiration. I stumbled across journaling from two years ago in one notebook and notes I’d taken from a yoga class on the heart chakra last year. An assignment in the yoga class was to write a forgiveness letter to someone. I’d started the letter but wasn’t able to finish it in the class. The journaling from two years ago reminded me of a time in my life when I was feeling very hurt, rejected and shut out. I suppose these particular past writings stood out because there have been a lot of feelings stirred up through the stories developed in my recent writing workshops. The stories from the writing prompts in my workshops were all autobiographical and true to the best of my memory. I’ve shared a few here in my blog, the ones that fit with the theme of my journey. One, in particular, I shared in a general way because I felt working through the emotions and feelings of that part of my story was more important than the details of how it happened.

And so I will attempt to do that again because my stories from the workshop have stirred up feelings of anger, resentment, hurt, vulnerability and unworthiness. I don’t like feeling this way because I did a lot of forgiveness work surrounding my childhood and my own personal history with alcohol and drugs, especially when having to do with parenting my children. I can feel it coloring how I feel about myself and how I am showing up in my world of late… Oh, I’m showing up, but sometimes I feel as if I’m holding myself in check so I don’t lash out or retract into myself by shutting out those who love me. This is my deal, not theirs. I get angry and impatient with myself because I keep insisting I did this work. I’m over that.

Ah, but there are always layers to just about everything of worth… right? It’s feeling apparent now, that the work I did back then was necessary and essential for who I was at that time. It was truly freeing and allowed me to move forward with compassion and understanding to forge healthier relationships. Today there are new stories. Or rather there are deeper stories that I am allowing to surface now as I live this heart-centered life. What is one of the heart’s greatest gifts, if not forgiveness? It wasn’t an easy gift but it was one I worked hard on with a different therapist.

Guess there is more forgiveness work for me and my current, kick-ass therapist then. A part of me is feeling quite pissy about having to do this again. But the other part of me, the heart-centered woman of growth, grace and progress knows its necessary and essential. I deserve the freedom to move forward with greater peace and understanding. We all do.