Disconnect and Separation… Really?

“Nothing hath separated us from God but our own will, or rather our own will is our separation from God”– William Law

The support of friendships, guidance from counselors, and my willingness to trudge into a life of presence and awareness has fueled the momentum for the latest direction my life has taken. Because of that, I’ve felt connected, loved, and supported for most of this process. Yet there have been times when I’ve felt quite alone on this journey. For instance, when I drove up to Los Angeles for the book launch of “Shades of Blue, Writers on Depression, Suicide and Feeling Blue”. Or when I drove to Ojai for Jen Pastiloff’s New Years Manifestation Retreat. Or when I attended The Big Island Writers Workshop in Van Nuys. Each of those examples was an opportunity that seemed to dictate I face and experience them on my own. I did and each time it led me to a deeper understanding of myself and new connection with others outside of my world, thereby expanding it. In those instances, it was easy to see how being pulled to do things on my own helped me.

Recently I’ve been experiencing feelings of disconnect and separation from people I usually feel connected to in my life. It’s like I don’t belong anywhere anymore and that is just ridiculous. Even writing my blog posts makes me feel alone. In the beginning, I would call my best friend and use her as a sounding board because back then I was unsure and insecure about what I wrote. I still get insecure and unsure, I’ve just gotten better at ignoring that feeling while gaining some confidence in expressing my truth, whatever it may reveal itself to be. Tonight, it’s acknowledging I feel separate, isolated.

Let’s take stock then. I haven’t been to yoga class in a week because I’ve had the flu. There were some issues that arose in my 12 step community that has led me to feel uncomfortable and a little self-protective with some individuals. It also seems like my relationship with my kick-ass therapist has turned into the ‘long goodbye’. She was back in town, for a minute and we had a couple of sessions. Then I got an email from her informing me she ‘got the job’ and would be training in Mexico for 10 days so we had to cancel our last appointment. I’m supposed to meet with her this Monday if that doesn’t change. It’s like getting back together with a boyfriend after you’ve broken up and it’s just not quite the same. Even at work, I feel that way. Since my friend retired and they moved my other co-worker to a different cubicle, I’ve felt like the odd man out.

Which again seems ridiculous because I do have good friends at work who care about me. For instance, when I got back to work Thursday from being out sick, my dear angel friend, Kimmie left me a goodie package of amazing teas for me to drink. I’m signed up to do a 5K Race For Autism with two other good friends, Karina and Jocelyn, next weekend and we plan to go out to breakfast afterwards. My ex-husband called last night to talk because we never get to see each other now that the kids are grown and most of them on their own. Our middle son, Lyndon mentioned my blog to him so he wanted to talk about that and a few other things. It was good to catch up with him. He has some great plans for the future that may involve an opportunity for me when I’m certified to teach yoga and as a Life Coach. My youngest sister, Megan, called today to talk about Aunt Mungie’s funeral service and reminisce about Daddy’s side of the family. It was a great call because I hadn’t talked to her in a while.

Perhaps then, in Pausing this weekend, I should use the time to reconnect with myself and God? That usually then filters out into connecting to others in my life.