This feels like my last truly free weekend for a few months with my second garage sale scheduled for next weekend and my 200Hour Yoga Teacher Training start the following week. Thank God it’s a 3-day Holiday weekend as well. In typical “Tammi” fashion, I started to make all manner of plans to fill up the weekend which involved traveling all over San Diego county and quite a bit of cooking in the kitchen. San Diego is a large county and while I’m slowly but determinedly getting back into the habit of cooking regularly, I’m not there yet. Then a funny thing happened this week, actually a couple of things, maybe not so funny happened to slow me down and give me pause.

The first thing to happen was my job starting getting to me again, in an energy-draining, exasperating way. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way and I’d forgotten how upsetting it can be. I couldn’t tell if it was due to their continued implementation of new procedures and practices that feel inefficient and ineffective in some cases or if it’s because I’m finally getting close to beginning my yoga teacher training, an important part of my plan for expanding my heart-centered life. Some of the issues at work feel stupid and bush league, but they truly impede our ability to accomplish what we are expected to do. On a double-edged sword note, my boss went on vacation July 1-10th but since she is such a passive-aggressive, micro-managing, over-thinking, and controlling, but pathologically nice person- she made work a living hell before she left Thursday afternoon. I could go on and on, but I won’t.

The second thing was my brakes started emitting a disturbingly tense metal on metal grinding sound Wednesday morning on the way to work. Now y’all know I’m saving and fundraising for YTT so of course, something like this would come up. I’d previously planned to put my car in the shop for an oil change and brake check on the 14th or 15th, which is when my yoga training begins. My mechanic is across the street from my yoga studio. I love that about living in my small town! Thursday I managed to shift my work hours around and get my car in for Tony, my mechanic to check them out to see if they are safe to drive on until his next available appointment, which is not until July 11th. It turns out my back brakes are the issue and they are still under warranty (YAAY, happy dance!!!). He says my car is safe to drive but got me an earlier appointment next Thursday to fix it at no charge!

My home studio’s 30-day yoga challenge for June wrapped up and I didn’t end as well as I started. I just sort of petered out with work & my car stressing me out. When I got home I just chilled on the couch in front of the tv instead of rolling out my mat. To top it off, I was so focused and stressed Thursday about getting to work early to leave early to get my car checked, then relieved it wouldn’t cost me anything that I completely spaced and forgot my therapy appointment with my kick-ass therapist! Let me repeat that, I forgot my appointment with my therapist! She texted me at 6:11pm asking if she messed up our appointments. Our standing appointment is every other Thursday 6pm to 7pm! FUCK… We ended up having a telephone session for slightly less time than a face to face one.

I don’t know about you guys, but I felt like God and the U(niverse) were giving me a message to slow down. It’s too stressful to drive a car down to the beach this weekend because it sounds like metal on metal every time I touch my brakes. And it gets worse the more I drive it. I don’t care if Tony says it sounds horrible but it’s safe. When I am so stressed that I “check out” and opt NOT to practice yoga AND forget a standing appointment with my kick-ass therapist, it’s time to pause. It’s time to rest, restore and reflect.  Facebook, my favorite time-suck, showed me memories from last year. One year ago today was my first full day in my new place. There were photos of the public rooms with furniture and boxes. I was reminded of how far I’ve come since last year. I hadn’t started publishing my blog yet. I hadn’t been to my first yoga class yet either. Both the blogging and the yoga have expanded my heart and my world, inward and outward. There is no telling what the coming year will bring. But this weekend, what feels like my last free weekend for a while, I’m going to slow down. I’m going to stick close to home. I’m going to “putz” around locally. I wish everyone a Happy and Safe 4th of July weekend!

Love is less a feeling than a thousand tiny acts of kindness.

This is a thank you to all who have come along with me on my journey thus far and my path to becoming a certified yoga teacher in particular. I was having problems paying for the 200Hour Yoga Teacher training with the payment plan offered initially. I was given some suggestions on how to help pay for the training and I took them. A good friend from work suggested I throw a garage sale as an idea to raise money to pay for my 200Hour YTT. My yoga teacher encouraged all of us to ask the Universe for what we need, giving us examples of how that principle has worked specifically for her in her life. Thus began the “thousand tiny acts of kindness”.

My best friend volunteered her home in the town where we both live to have what became the first of two garage sales. She also came up with the brilliant idea to sell baked goods alongside the yard sale! My good friend from work that suggested the original garage sale idea volunteered her sister’s house as well. Thank God, her sister is also a very good friend, who is used to getting “voluntold” (their family term!) to help! After checking with her, I was committed to throwing two garage sales two weeks apart. I put the word out to all of my friends at work and my 12 step meetings I would need donations of “stuff from their closets and garages”. What transpired was an inundation of clothes, small appliances, tchotchkes, kitchen wares, lamps, pictures, shoes, sporting equipment, games, a couch and a treadmill for the first local garage that took place yesterday! Plus donations of delicious baked goods! Help came from friends, family, my fellow yogis, teachers, and spiritual advisors.

The night before the garage/bake sale Dawny and I asked a friend to help collect and deliver some tables. He stayed that night to help set up the easy-up canopy, the tables and organize all of the stuff. He also showed up the next day without being asked, stayed until the end to help clean up and haul the unsold items to our local thrift store in the back of his pickup truck. There was another sister-friend who came by Friday night to drop off some last minute items, stayed to help us organize stuff and was my first “pre-sale” customer! She spent $23 on baked goods, clothes and bought me a set of wrought iron lanterns I coveted for my outdoor patio.

The day of, I got to Dawny’s at 5:30am and she’d already hauled a lot of the items out into her driveway. A friend dropped off her two cakes at 6:30am and our first early customer showed up. The day was a steady parade of strangers shopping & snacking. My BFF and her hubby came Friday night for moral support, then again on Saturday to give a straight cash donation. Angel-friends, fellow yogis, and spiritual kin dropped by to buy a few items with a wad of cash, telling me to keep the change. Another spiritual kin sister, who I KNEW was struggling financially, showed up and bought a few things to show her love & support. After the sale was over and I went on to a meeting at the library there were others who insisted on paying me for the leftover baked goods I donated to the meeting. And another sister-friend who came to find me at the meeting with a wad of cash to “donate” because she wasn’t able to make it to the garage sale in person. The final tally was $624.00!

Two weeks ago I had one-third of the amount I needed to be saved on my own. Now, with the garage/bake sale and my continued saving I have two-thirds with one more garage sale in my future! The grace of your loving kindness overwhelms and humbles me.

It’s been a while I know. I took a much-needed break from my self-assigned goal of posting blogs three times a week since last August. It was about time I started saying no to some things, including myself- for myself if that made any sense. My life had gotten really full and active, even overactive too much of the time. Somehow I managed to work full-time at an extremely stressful, multi-tasking job, write and post a blog three times a week, attend 12-step meetings and yoga classes twice a week, secretary a weekly Sunday meeting, attend monthly board meetings for a community organization I serve, coordinate & facilitate monthly community events for the aforementioned organization, talk weekly with my spiritual advisor, and attend counseling sessions every other week with my kick-ass therapist. I feel like I left out things and I probably did, but you get the point. That doesn’t even take into account the social activities I got invited to.

Do you want to hear something funny? Even as I told myself I needed to start saying no and let go of some responsibilities, I signed up to do an online book club with a yoga & hiking coach who had been trained by Martha Beck. Martha Beck’s Life Coaching program is one of my top choices and I thought this would be a good opportunity to interact with someone trained in her coaching method. The book club was to occur Wednesday evenings for six weeks starting last week. I paid for the book club and ordered the book from Amazon! Because you know, that’s how I say “no” I guess. Ha, ha… Under the category of God doing for me what I cannot do for myself, the book club got canceled and my money refunded! I finally got the message and I am taking steps to simplify my life.

I can’t begin to express or convey how overwhelmed I have been with the outpouring of support and love from you all since I asked for help in my blog two weeks ago! Tomorrow morning, or actually later this morning because it’s after midnight, is the first of my garage sales. It’s actually a combination garage sale/bake sale and I’ve had so many great items donated to sell. My best friend volunteered to have it at her place and had been using her house as a staging/drop off area. Friends lent their easy-up canopy or stopped by to assist with organizing or to give moral support. This has truly taken on a life of its own since I’ve asked for help. Seriously, the baked goods that were donated are outstanding and will bring in a pretty penny. We’re talking salted caramel or lemon topped individual cheesecakes! I received a generous birthday “gift” in the mail from an angel-friend contributing to my Yoga Teacher Training fund. I’ve got close to half of my training costs saved and even though life situations continue to come at me, I know I am on the right path. I’m so grateful and I’m so ready.

Those of you who read my last blog post know I’m coming out the other side of a tailspin I brought on myself because of an extreme misperception. As I get further and further away from it I’m able to gain more insight into why I was so willing to believe the absolute worse about something I’ve been working for, saving for. That’s the reason right there in the “why”. Because it’s something I’m working for, saving for, preparing for, and is now almost upon me. I’ve been blogging about how one of my main goals this year is to become a certified yoga teacher. My home studio, Bright Yoga, is now officially a Yoga Alliance certified school of yoga and their 200Hour YTT (yoga teacher training) begins next month in July. It will run through the end of October.

Emails came out from Bright Yoga with the schedule for the training. The bulk of the hours is Friday evening and Sat & Sun afternoons for a total of 10 hours over the 3 days with 2-weekend intensives (mandatory) Thurs-Sun 8:00 am-4 pm on the first weekend in July and the other near the end of training in October. I would only need to use 4 days of PTO from work. This is extremely doable, in my opinion because we have 1 weekend a month off except in October. So what was it that sent me into a tailspin? Well the cost, of course. I’ve always known the cost and I’ve been saving up for it. My savings took a couple of hits to pay taxes and to buy new tires. Another email gave details on payment plans. One involved paying in full by June 10th with a discount and the other involved a payment plan with an additional charge. The payment plan scared me because I couldn’t afford it and still meet my normal financial responsibilities. Somehow I took that to mean the YTT was never gonna happen, therefore, ANYTHING I had planned for my big beautiful living-from-the-heart Life wouldn’t happen either! Therefore, my life was over.

I completely and utterly dismissed the fact the owner reassured me I would get certified and she would work with me on payments. She hugged me and told me this in April when I expressed my concerns after dipping into my savings to pay taxes. Not to mention the fact that both my teachers at the studio are excited about me being a part of the program and totally want to see me succeed.

I was reminded of this after I asked for a meeting with the beautiful owner, Joy, this past Tuesday to ask for a different payment plan. I was so scared and nervous beforehand. I was afraid my request would be unacceptable to her. I was afraid of being rejected by someone that I love and respect greatly. After talking to Joy and I asked for an alternative payment plan, she reassured me again, that she would work with me and of course, my payment plan was acceptable. It was a total nonissue for her and I couldn’t believe how many changes I took myself through over this. I got to really talk and connect with her about how important Bright Yoga Studio and the yoga I practice there has become to me. She shared some of her experiences when she began her YTT. It was such an amazing experience connecting with her on a deeper level. A true meeting of the mind, heart and spirit.

Many of you have shown me such an outpouring of love and support through this difficult time and have asked how you can help. As terrifying as this is, allow me to ask for what I need… Your continued encouragement, love (tough or otherwise, whichever you deem fits) and support as I take on this mental, physical, spiritual and emotional training over the next several months. I am also asking for this… I have over 1/3, but not quite half of the cost for training saved. It’s $2600.00 plus $125 for the payment plan. I have two garage sales and a bake sale planned before training starts July 14th. I am praying my efforts will allow me to either pay as much up front to offset a monthly payment plan or to pay for it in full before July 14th.  If you live locally I’d appreciate any donations to sell at the garage sales and of course for you to come by to purchase baked goods or other treasures. If you do not live locally, I would be profoundly grateful for any monetary donations if you are able and so inclined.

In the end, please know that I am moving forward with a deep gratitude and acceptance of any outcome as God’s Will for me.

NAMASTE

Thursday night 2 weeks ago, I came across some news and information which I believed meant my dreams were not going to happen. I was devastated and disappointed.  Before then, I’d been humming along on all cylinders, happy with my recent blog writing, making headway and gaining relief with the workload at my job and looking forward to the 3-day Memorial Holiday weekend. I instantly went into a deep dark place of doubt and discouragement about my future. I isolated the entire weekend, canceled everything I could. I showed up for my one service commitment on Sunday morning. I was approached by a few folks who could tell something was up with me but I demurred any invitation to discuss what was going on. I spent the extended weekend re-reading a couple of romance novels, watching a ton of tv, and eating more junk. In other words, I reverted to how I used to cope with my life when I was so unhappy but clueless about the depth of it or how it affected me. Or more accurately I was clueless about how to fix myself or my life.

There were a handful of friends I talked to that next Friday morning about what happened. They were sympathetic and offered encouragement with some really good alternatives or solutions to my dilemma. I had some initial relief when I was with them, but my self-doubt and despair worked on me when I was alone. Truly an addict or alcoholic is in bad company when they’re alone. I KNOW this after 19 years of sobriety, but it doesn’t stop the onslaught. And I forget when I’m in the midst of it, isolating with my self-destructive, hopeless thoughts. I wrapped that dark, hopelessness about me like a warm familiar blanket. I decided not to blog in that state. I just could not write about the tailspin I was experiencing.

Here are the rub, the good rub and the truth for me now. I can only wallow in my own shit for so long and these days my tolerance is pretty low. I had friends who reached out to give much-needed perspective, reminding me of who I’ve become, who I am now. I had one angel-friend text me that she missed my blogs, asked if I was ok and told me she loved me. Each of those encounters seemed to coax me, little by little, from darkness towards the light.

Thank God I had an appointment with my kick-ass therapist this past Thursday! She helped me see my response was not my truth but a knee jerk reaction. I realized there was a time when I lived and operated from a place of disconnection, isolation, hopelessness and pessimism, but not anymore. She pointed out what may be potential lessons in all of this and she is confident things will work out for me. So confident that after our session I reached out to make an appointment to discuss a possible solution to my dilemma.

The next night, Friday, I had dinner with my oldest friend here in San Diego. We’ve known each other for 29 years. After catching up on our children and families, I told her what I was recently going through. She said the same things my kick-ass therapist told me, only with a little more plain, straight talk as only very good, very old friends can. She told me to keep my focus and that I need to develop patience because I’m going to get where I’m going.

I’ve mobilized into action to get some resolution on moving forward with my plans. I have a TON of help from friends who are going to assist in fundraising with me. I’m showing up to the places I need to be, the places that nourish me spiritually. More importantly, I have people in my life, professionally and personally, who remind me of who I am now, who assure me of where I’m headed when I think I’ve lost my way. To remind me I am no longer Tammi of the dark, but she who lives from the heart and thrives in the light.