Even though I will be posting this on a Tuesday morning, I wanted to write about how I handled my Monday. To back up a little, I got some much-needed rest, a little research and phenomenal refocusing done this past weekend. So mission accomplished (so far) on that front. The ‘so far’ is because those will be ongoing goals and requirements moving forward. I woke up Monday morning having had a good night’s sleep.  I prayed and meditated, which always includes a mental gratitude list. After a shower and getting dressed I was ready for the world. I even put on a dress too.

My first stop was to my neighborhood coffee shop where the carafe of the only coffee I like there had run out and they had not started to make a new one yet. They only brew two other kinds so I had to get an alternative coffee that did not taste good at all. I’m seriously considering investing in my own coffee maker at home because this shit happens way too often at my shop. I love supporting my small town businesses, but a girl needs CONSISTENCY when it comes to her morning coffee!

By the time I got to work, I was trying not to let the coffee snafu ruin my morning. I have a 40-mile commute so I had to work hard at it. Of course, that gets shot to hell because apparently I did such a great job not thinking about my job that I forgot every day this week is casual dress. As in everyone was wearing jeans except me in dress, no less! My first clue came after my zombie walk across the work parking lot into the building waiting for the elevator. A girl from another department looks me up and down, smirks and says “Forgot it was a Casual week, huh?”. Since I couldn’t throw my coffee in her face as I realized what she was saying, I tried to take it in stride by replying “shit” in a good-natured way.  Let me tell you I was not a happy camper sipping nasty ass coffee in a dress when everyone else was in jeans, t-shirts, tennis shoes or boots! I drank as much of the coffee as I could because I needed the energy boost. Then I tried looking on the bright side about wearing a dress as I had done a great job not thinking about my job all weekend.

I’ve written about my work and all that entails. Mondays are the busiest days of the week and this Monday was no exception. Well, one of the many potential ticking time bombs that lurk waiting in my desk and workload went off and I called in to talk about it with my supervisor. I am human and only one person. I come into work and do the best I can to get as much accomplished as possible. The discussion went a little sideways but after more talking, it was determined that I would be given some overtime to help with some of the ticking time bombs on my desk. I have to tell you that when I left that office I needed to find a quiet place (the bathroom) and do some Ujjayi Pranayama for quite some time until I calmed down. That is deep breathing that helps calm the mind. I learned that in my yoga class and it served me well yesterday. It was also fortunate that this happened near the end of my work day. When I walked out of the building and got into my car, I had no desire to listen to my radio so I turned it off and drove home in silence with my thoughts and Ujjain breathing when I remembered.

Another fortunate thing about Mondays is I talk to my spiritual advisor every Monday evening around 6ish for about an hour or so. I got home a little early so I ate some leftover steamed cabbage with onions and smoked sausage over jasmine rice for dinner. Then I settled into my bedroom and got her on the phone to rehash the incident at work and my previous week since we last talked. I get honest one on one feedback, clarity and challenges from her. She is not afraid to ask questions about something or point out things I may not have considered or that may not be healthy. I got to take an honest look at what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. This Monday had a few small bumps and one pretty big one. I navigated them all to the best of my ability. The truth is a day like this a year ago, hell even six months ago, would have sent me running full tilt into unhealthy emotional eating and deep sea diving into whatever favorite romance novel I wanted to lose myself in or a mini marathon of  binge watching The Big Bang Theory on television.  However today I can and do roll with the punches of nasty coffee, miscued dress code, and a workload time bomb.

I like being fully present for my life even when it’s not fully pleasant to be so.

I must commit to prioritizing all three of those things right now!

I haven’t been sleeping enough lately. Although a more honest statement is, I stay up too late and once I get to bed I have the hardest time falling asleep so most nights I don’t get enough rest. It’s affecting all areas of my life. I’m tired of a low-grade headache most days with limited energy. I’m not making good food choices, cooking a lot less. I’m not as active because I’m too damn tired to get up early on the weekends to walk or hike before Yoga class on Saturdays and my Sunday morning meeting in the park. My job is such an energy suck of late that I barely have anything left for this blog sometimes. I see and feel it even if no one else does. I know getting enough sleep and rest is essential for the forward momentum with my journey. So this weekend is about getting rest so I can get recharged because I’ve got work to do to get where God is calling me.

I’ve made some decisions about my Mission for work and life of late! I’m excited about where my journey is leading me. I previously knew I no longer wanted to work in my current industry of Insurance. I’m hoping to transition from high-pressure, production based environments where I work from my head. My life’s work will stem from my heart and growing spirituality, serving others. I believe I found a life’s purpose that will allow me to communicate, facilitate and inspire healthy meaningful connection for others using my spirituality. Exactly what you may be wondering? Life Coaching is a way for me to help people connect with themselves in a healthy meaningful way. A way for me to communicate, facilitate and inspire others to live their best life. Hence the research portion of the weekend and beyond… That is just a start, as I must find a Coaching Certification and Training program that is affordable and that will work for me. I need to choose a program and find a way to finance it with grants and/or financial aid. It’s also become clear to me that it would be much more conducive for my ability to learn and grow if I currently worked at a job that was not mentally, spiritually and emotionally draining. This means I need to update and focus my LinkedIn account and resume for a less stressful, taxing job that can support me while I go through coach training and certification. It goes without saying that I will continue to develop my writing until it is a means of financial support along with the coaching.

This leads us to the refocus portion of this post, the weekend and beyond. You see, I’ve come a long way in such a short time with this journey to my true self, to my heart and to my life’s purpose. However, it’s just beginning and it’s a good start. Shit, it’s a great start actually! Here’s the thing, though, I’ve felt myself sliding back into some old, unhealthy habits of late, like staying up too late (even if it’s for the blog, the writing), slacking on physical activity like walking/hiking,  and eating things that are not healthy for me. It’s left me feeling heavier, sluggish and low-energy. This being fully present for my life is no joke, as I just don’t give me as much slack as I used to. The road forward, the path my Higher Power is calling me to, gets narrower and I gotsta get ta steppin right again! <– Ha Ha, my Grammarly editing program is losing its mind over that last sentence!

So REST, RESEARCH & REFOCUS are on deck for the weekend and beyond! If any of you that know me and see me in real life have any suggestions or people I can talk to about Coaching I’d appreciate it. Otherwise… onward and upward!

I am discovering that not everyone who starts out on your journey will end it with you. Not all of those you were thick as thieves with can remain so. Somethings or some places which were instrumental to your professional development and advancement don’t always stay that way. As I continue my journey of personal, ie spiritual/emotional/mental growth and become more present for my life I am more aware of how true those previous three statements are. By the same token, there were friends in my life that seemed to stay just outside the reach of where I hoped and wanted the closeness and intimacy of those friendships to go. Since I’ve started doing things I’ve never done, like blogging, yoga classes and entering essay contests, I’ve opened up a whole world within myself and without.

There were friends I spent the majority of my time with once upon a time who I truly related to and believed would always be in my corner and in my life. It has not been easy living through losing or distancing myself from those I was once so very close to. One friend I lost through a miscommunication about an endeavor we were supposed to take on together which lead to a realization that the entire basis for our relationship had been misunderstood. By the time we both were clear about our respective positions on the friendship and our miscommunicated endeavor, it became apparent to me that I had lost a friend. I made sincere apologies for my part in our misunderstanding because I had handled it badly. Then I set a clear boundary that the friendship had to end. There has been no communication since and I don’t expect there to be. I worked through the hurt, grief, guilt and angst with my therapist, my spiritual advisor, and one trusted friend. Other friends that I was thick as thieves with? Some of their comments, observations, or indifference about the changes I have made and continue to make in my life have been unhelpful or negative to the point that it is clear we are not on the same page. The cool part about that is I haven’t taken offense about it because they’re opinions and outlook are based on how they live their life. They are not personally or deliberately trying to discourage or frighten me, they honestly love me and always will. They are just focused on how they see the world and by extension how they see me in it. I’m grateful that I can love and appreciate those in my life where they are. While they are still a part of my life, they are no longer privy to my innermost thoughts and dreams or as much of my time. I can’t afford to have close, regular proximity with that kind of energy, even though they are clearly coming from a place of friendship and concern for me. 

There was the job with a company I believed I would retire from in approximately 20 years, thinking I wouldn’t really need to plan the next phase of my life for at least another 10 years or so. Except a shift in corporate culture, quite a drastic one, has forced me to go through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil over the last 2-1/2 years. It has truly become a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical drain for nearly every single friend and co-worker across all departments. I’ve worked there for over eight years so I have a lot of friends and co-workers. It’s so disheartening. Yet, if this was not happening I may not have been pushed to this journey I find myself on. The journey home to my true authentic self. I’m convinced she lives in my heart of hearts. So the struggle is going to work everyday, to do the very best I am capable of, regardless of the environment, because it is what the company deserves while I am in their employ and to balance that with the energy I need  for my journey that will eventually lead me away from there.

Ah, but the unexpected gifts from the mental, emotional and spiritual shifts due to my personal growth have been absolutely epic of late! Those people and friends that used to be on the periphery of my life? They are now front and center or solidly in my corner. It seems I instinctively turned to them as I was going through some of the “growing pains” of shifting friendships. The yoga practice, which I do think of it as a practice these days, has done so much for my inner equilibrium. The studio is one more safe place that still challenges and teaches me at the same time. Before, only my therapy appointments and my 12 step meetings did that for me. As I move ever outward into the world and inward through my blogging/writing, either the world meets me with incredible support and opportunities, or I continue to meet more and more of she who lives in my heart of hearts. Both the consequences and  the gifts are worth it.

A REVIEW AND A BIT OF MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE ON THE SUBJECT

http://www.amazon.com/Shades-Blue-Writers-Depression-Suicide-ebook/dp/B012277YIO/ref=zg_bs_tab_pd_bsnr_2

How expansive and amazing my life is becoming. This is the first nonfiction book I’ve read in I can’t even remember how long and I am humbly grateful and honored to have read it. On the surface, it would seem that a book with stories on these weighty subjects may be depressing, discouraging and dark. I know quite a bit about depression, feeling blue, addiction, and alcoholism. I didn’t count on the immediate recognition of empathy and identification with editor Amy Ferris‘ introduction: The Balls-out Truth About Depression. I didn’t expect to be so sucked into the stories of struggle, despair, loss, renewal, irony, acceptance, amusement and hope. Yes, amusement. I surprised myself at how a select few of the stories made me laugh out loud as with the tragically absurd rock bottom point of Samantha White’s: The Dialectics of Suicide. Or haunted, absolutely haunted by Jimmy Camp’s: A Slip Of The Noose and Jenna Stone’s: Upon Being Told To Be True To Myself.  The order of the stories is quite perfect, ending with the absolutely attainable and sustainable hope written about in Pam L. Houston’s: A Kind Of Quiet Most People Have Forgotten.

I’ve read that this book was conceived in the wake of Robin Williams’ suicide, even in response to it. It’s an important book that sheds much-needed light on the lingering stigma of depression, suicide, mental illness and feeling blue. The reading of it for me was like experiencing the combination of a 12 step speaker meeting and group therapy.

I haven’t read any books in quite some time. This is because the books I used to read, or more accurately re-read were familiar themed romance novels. Time traveling Highland Scottish romance, Cowboy romance and Regency era romances were my preferential escape for years. If I ventured from that genre, it wasn’t very far and it was always fiction. I really never wanted any part of non-fiction, interesting biographies or New York Times important bestsellers.

Ah, but then you see, my spiritual and personal growth began to pervade all areas of my life. I had no interest in any of my usual romance books so I gave away 95% of them in the recent move to my new home. This laptop, my blog, the welcoming community of writers, spiritual leaders and coaches on Facebook are what fuel me now. Somehow it started with the beautiful light and love that is Jennifer Pastiloff– the yoga teacher, writer, facilitator of retreats and workshops on manifestation. I still can’t recall exactly how I came across her page or exactly why I started watching her videos when it was not in my nature to pay attention to those things on Facebook before. But her light, her energy, her magic caught me, encouraged me and challenged me from the very start. Her story in this book, Someday This Pain May Be Useful is so honest and vulnerable. Through her and her phenomenal online community of beauty hunters, writers, yogis, and editors, I came across the amazing Amy Ferris– Editor extraordinaire and fantastic writer in her own right. I’d seen Jennifer post that she was proud to be a part of the community of writers attached to Shades Of Blue a while back, put I wasn’t sure what it was about. I know now and I am better for it.

I have personally lived through some very dark episodes at various points in my life, dragging my poor helpless children and a clueless young husband with me at times. Soon I will have an essay of my own published on Jennifer Pastiloff’s website The Manifest-Station that covers some of the subject matter in this book. These stories are authentic, with real life solutions, conclusions, endings and hard fought new beginnings. It’s well worth the price and the time. I urge you to check out the link at the top of this blog. Buy a book, expand your knowledge of important subjects brought to light.

I’m very comfortable in my new home. Notice I didn’t refer to it as my new place. This is because I’ve taken the time, spent the money and made the effort to make it feel like a home, my home. It’s something I admired and envied about my friends’ homes over the years, but never bothered to do for my own. When I walk in my back door after a day at work, I really see my home and I feel at peace. I love the fact that I have a ground floor apartment with a front AND back door. Easy access too, no security gates to hassle with when friends want to come by.

Let’s back up a little. Before I moved to this new home I lived in a 90-unit apartment complex with security gates for cars and foot traffic. You had to use a key to get in and OUT of the security gates for foot traffic, which was inconvenient. Plus no guest parking inside the complex parking lot. Trust me it was a huge pain in the ass when out of town family came to visit and stay overnight. I lived in that complex for nearly 14 years in 3 different upstairs apartments. When I first moved to this small mountain valley town I was a single mother with three children aged 14, 12 and 7. The safety factor was a plus but I also isolated and lived a very withdrawn, secluded life. I was friendly and outgoing at work, but I was still a pretty negative person. I had not allowed myself to become connected with the 12 step community yet. My meeting attendance was sporadic at best, so I got to know a few faces and people over the first four or five years. Yet I never wanted anyone to come to my place to see where I lived. In fact, I’d been with my spiritual advisor at the time for six years before she was invited to my apartment. Only after she realized she’d never been to my place and kept pressuring me, gently but firmly. She lived here too. My kids and I always went to her house for holidays and special occasions. Her house which was really beautiful and very well decorated. It took me nearly a year to unpack most of my moving boxes and I was never a good housekeeper, so my place was almost always disorganized, cluttered and dirty.

Living inside that complex was both a cocoon and a cage of my own making. When I’d come home from work with fast food for dinner most nights, I barely looked at where I lived. I couldn’t stand to. I would spend evenings on the couch zoning out on television or have my nose in a romance book. I almost never let the kids have friends over to play, and they knew better than to ask if any could spend the night. It was all I could do working full time, still in the early years of recovery/sobriety, raising three children. I knew I was not doing it well, but it was the best I was capable of. I could barely stand myself, so I truly believed no one else would if they really got to know me, deep down where I lived. I went in and out of depressive, isolative states over those first four of five years. Always running back to the 12 step community when “my ass was falling off”. About nine years ago, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired- in sobriety no less. I went to a Sunday morning meeting in the park and fell apart one more time, or really, one last time. My spiritual advisor was there and gave me some very sound advice, which I was willing to follow wholeheartedly.

I stayed connected to my 12 step community this time. They are my spiritual kin. It was through them and strengthening a conscious contact with God that helped me grow. It helped me develop the courage to slowly, oh so slowly, begin to look at myself. Just myself at this point. I had moved to another apartment across the hall about three years earlier. I did a little bit with the place, not much. The television, cable, and the internet were hooked up. My books were unpacked on a few bookshelves in the dining room area. That was the place where my spiritual advisor got an invitation to dinner. I made spaghetti and cornbread because she had never heard of that combination and insisted she wanted me to fix it for her. She obviously was not Southern or African-American. It was a start, this having others, personal friends in my place where I lived. She loved the dinner and said she like my place.

My third and final place in that complex was on the other side of the complex. It was an exact mirror of my old place, but it had been modernized with faux granite counter tops, popcorn ceiling removed, new linoleum on the kitchen and bathroom floors. A new start of sorts as I’d been in the old place about nine years and it was pretty thrashed. Over time and shortly before that move, about eight of my spiritual kin had moved into the complex. I was close to a few of them and I had to get comfortable with friends that had access to me because they were INSIDE my cocoon/cage! That was an adjustment, but not nearly as much of one as I thought. I started to allow Baby Bub to have friends come over and spend the night, as long as we had the place cleaned up. I was still doing my television vegging or book oblivion because I still wasn’t happy with where I lived.

The thing with spiritual and emotional growth is that even when it feels like your stuck or not making progress, you actually are. Like a cocoon, a lot of the work is going on inside, where the world or you can’t see if you’re not willing to look. My avoidance of looking at the place where I lived was actually a Divine Dissatisfaction with how I lived at the time. Through a therapist I started working with nearly 2 years ago and my 12 step work, I finally got to a place where I was brave enough to be honest about how I lived, where I lived and started to do something about it. When my old complex sent a notice in May of this year that they were raising the rent once again, I’d had enough. I reached out to a dear friend, who literally helped me find a place on Craigslist that same evening. I contacted them, arranged to see the apartment, completed a rental application and had the place within three days. It’s a small 5-unit complex with no security gates, on the ground floor. I have no need for a cocoon or a cage anymore!  It has an open concept kitchen with front and back door access to the apartment, with a huge front patio that runs the length of the living room and my bedroom! I had a TON of help from friends at every stage of the move from packing, moving, unpacking and shopping for decorations. My home came together within the first six weeks.

I’ve had drop-ins from close friends since I’ve been here and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed each visit. I’ve had Dawny over for dinner a few times and I even hosted a Pampered Chef party! Really all of this is possible because I learned to love where I live, inside my spirit and by extension in my own skin. From that love, I have the willingness and energy to create an outward manifestation of it in my home. I have plans to continue manifesting this in other areas of my life. Stay tuned…