I lived a life based on fear for so long that this emergent life of building my brave continues to catch me off guard. It’s usually after I’ve done something that I know would be totally out of character for the old me and my old life. Something I may have initiated, facilitated and followed through on, like attending a book launch in Los Angeles, Hollywood to be specific, all by myself. A part of me, the human/ego part perhaps, is still trying to wrap my brain and spirit around that. I keep trying to look back and pinpoint how my brave got so strong and so big. It feels like it’s happening so fast, but it definitely didn’t happen overnight. I can look back now to admit how afraid and unhappy I was with my life. I can admit to how helpless and insecure I felt about my ability to truly change and create a life I dreamed or fantasized about. I’ve come so far in the past two years and it feels incredible. A lot of why it feels so great is that it doesn’t feel like I had to do any grand sweeping changes to myself or my life. It’s been more a process of uncovering and discovering what has been inside me all along. God also placed people in the form of teachers or guides, and situations in the form of opportunities or lessons in my life to encourage and move me along.

Last night I got a chance to pack my brave and take it to the Harmony Gold Theater. I got to experience This Is My Brave and The Depressed Cake Shop in their presentation of 11  of 34 writers of essays in Shades of Blue, lovely musicians, and poets. It was such an epically magical night filled with true emotions of joy, sadness, triumph, tribute and most of all communion of souls. A true connection with others that helps you connect better with yourself. Amy Ferris, the editor of Shades of Blue, came up with the divinely brilliant idea to read the first sentence of every writer’s essay in the book as a way of introducing the night! It was a stroke of genius and very powerful. The 11 writers who read parts of their own stories were funny, sad, thought-provoking, uplifting, and truthful. The music elevated everything and the two lovely young women poets spoke rhythmically from the heart and  the darkness of the mind!

I got to meet two of the women writers that I will have the privilege to spend more time with in a few months. Jen Pastiloff was there and I finally got to hug her and tell her how much she has encouraged me on my path. She is just as beautiful, authentic and generous in person as she is on Facebook. I can’t wait for her Ojai New Years Manifestation Retreat!

I also met Beth Bornstein Dunnington, who previously invited me on Facebook to attend her Big Island Writer’s Workshop. She is a lovely soft, caring soul. I now feel totally safe and reassured about attending her workshop in January!

One of the musicians at the show was Shannon Curtis. She sang a song she wrote called ‘Constellation’. She explained the inspiration for the song was thinking of a string of Christmas lights or the string of bulbs you see on the patio of a restaurant. The bulbs all need their connection to the other to shine. She said people all have a light inside that we are meant to shine and when we put those all together we form a constellation and each one has an important part. Everyone has an important role. As she sang about people’s light a video played on stage showing different people with “I AM” written on their hands. What they put after those words is their light. Some had “I AM BRAVE” “I AM ALIVE” “I AM HERE FOR YOU” “I AM A POET” “I AM LOVE” “I AM A GUIDE” “I AM A HEALER” It was so moving and it made me wonder what my light was. What does my journey of building my brave, my mission to communicate, facilitate and inspire healthy meaningful connection translate to? As I watched through my tears, all of those beautiful people show what their light was, it came to me! “I AM EMPATHY”!

I have literally had less than 4 hours of sleep in the past 2 days so I hope that this is making sense. I just want you to know that it’s all worth it. This journey where I’ve lost a friend or two, the familiarity of dysfunctional comfort and the cover of fear. Whatever I need to shed, discard or experience to continue answering God’s call, my newly built brave, and my recently discovered light will continue to carry me forward.

What a difference a day and a yin yoga class can make! It also helped that I was able to write about and hone in on what was happening with me. The truth is that I don’t really keep that stuff inside me anymore. If I don’t deal with it here in my blog, then I have my spiritual advisor (who dares to be out of town for 8 days on a retreat- but I’m ok), my therapist (who I see tomorrow) and a whole host of very good friends who give me much needed perspective and honest feedback. Tonight (Tuesday) I am feeling energized, optimistic and centered!

Now it’s Wednesday. I’m still optimistic and centered but mildly sore from yoga class last night. I got home from my session with my therapist about 45 minutes ago and my friends, Dawny, Jax, and Ginny have just left. They brought me dinner for my 19 year sobriety birthday, a delicious and yummy lava bake from the sushi place in town. I am extremely fortunate in my friends.

This may be the shortest blog post yet because I’ve got to go to bed early tonight, to get up early tomorrow, to get into and out of work early so I can head up to Los Angeles for the Shades of Blue book launch! You know, the one I referred to in Tuesday’s blog where I was having a crisis of confidence about attending? Turns out it wasn’t really a crisis. It was normal vulnerability and anxiety about going somewhere new and meeting new people. I’ve written here before about being fully present for my life and I will continue to do so because it’s still a recent phenomenon in my life. I’m willing to face, acknowledge and process what I’m thinking, feeling and going through, so there are no crisis. There is no avoidance by emotionally stuffing myself with unhealthy food, zoning out on the couch mindlessly staring at the tv, burying myself in a romance novel or endless Facebook scrolling. There is processing now. Processing that has all sorts of amazing consequences and unexpected benefits, such as losing weight since I stopped emotional eating, started taking yoga classes and got back to walking/hiking. Being open to and reaching for what God and Life offers have brought incredible opportunities, such as the book launch tomorrow night, the Yoga Manifestation retreat for New Years and the Big Island Writers Workshop in January.

I think a more accurate statement is, what a difference being fully present for my life makes.

There’s something going on with me that I can’t quite put my finger on. I have a lot of things I’ve committed to moving forward. Some are events already paid for, others are goals and plans for my future. It starts this week with my plans to attend a book launch in Los Angeles on Thursday evening. This is the first time I’ve attended anything like it. Something I am doing alone because I don’t really know anyone in my personal life who would be interested in attending.  There will be incredible people there, women I want to meet. Women who are living and leading lives I admire because they are artists. They are writers, actresses, playwrights, editors, yoga teachers, retreat and workshop facilitators.

But before Thursday, something else happens. On Wednesday, November 18th, I will wake up with 19 years of sobriety and recovery. In the 12 step program, we call them birthdays or re-birthdays. I’m having lunch that day with co-workers that I consider good friends, but we haven’t had much time to get together of late. We thought my 19-year sobriety date would be as good an occasion as any. Friday night and Sunday morning, I will have tokens presented to me at two different meetings. It’s a little ceremony where I get a cake, the group sings Happy Birthday, a trusted friend says hopefully honest, encouraging things about me and then I give a little speech about my sobriety. The gist of most speeches follows a general format of “What it was like”, “What happened” and “What it’s like now”. It is often a humorous and emotional way of expressing my experience, strength, and hope. I’ve lived in my area for 14 years now and I’m considered an “old-timer” because of how much sobriety I have. There won’t be many surprises as most already know my “story”. Although the great thing about sobriety is a lot can change in a year. It certainly has for me and I’m anticipating, hell I’m facilitating even more change for the coming year as well.

Let’s try to get to the bottom of what’s happening inside me, shall we? Maybe fear, but it doesn’t feel that way. There’s numbness, some mild dread and since I’m being honest, there’s worry and anxiety. Ok, now we’re getting closer to identifying what’s really going on. I suppose mild worry and anxiety are better than outright fear. There are a lot of other goals/plans that I’m not mentioning because they’ve been written about previously, or they’re new and not finalized or fully committed to. I think I’m having some trouble adjusting or reconciling who I am. Or who I’ve become? I don’t understand how that can be possible or WHY it’s rearing its ugly head now. They say we can get squirrelly before a sobriety birthday. But I don’t necessarily feel squirrelly.

I used to be afraid to show up for my life to the point that I wouldn’t even make goals or plans. I would simply exist in misery well hidden from myself and others. And if I somehow made plans or goals, I made sure to sabotage them or just withdraw even more from life. I know that isn’t going to happen given the woman I’ve grown into today. I still love the Woody Allen quote “Showing up is 80% of life”. I seem to have the “showing up” part well in hand. Perhaps it’s the other 20% that worries me? The 20% that indicates how I show up and what am I bringing of myself when I do. Huh, so this may be a simple crisis of confidence in the new evolved me? What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t live up to my plans and goals? What if I fail?

Well, all I can do is keep moving forward and have faith in my path, where it’s led me so far. Where God, the Universe and amazing guides/teachers have led me. Where friends, family, co-workers and new acquaintances have encouraged me. Because if I can overcome my fear of the 80%, then I can have faith in continuing to develop the 20%. I mean, that’s all there is to do right? Keep moving forward faithfully.

That which unites us is far greater than what divides us. Our common humanity is more powerful than any inhuman acts. Yet there is that small, fanatical fraction of us that is convicted in their cause of division, destruction and death. And let’s be clear, radical terrorists of any nationality or cause are still human. I can’t begin to understand, much less comprehend what it takes to systematically drive a human or group of humans to hate so unequivocally. I agree with President Obama, these attacks are not just against Paris and Parisians. These attacks are against our collective humanity, our collective freedoms, and securities.

Their weapons are bombs. Human suicide bombers, airliners piloted into buildings, explosives designed to destroy, maim, kill and strike terror. It’s become so commonplace, knowing it can and will happen anywhere, anytime and in unimaginable ways. Again, I can’t begin to answer the question of why this particular time in history has given rise to terrorists and mass shootings on such a horrific scale. I just can’t and maybe I don’t need to. Because I believe an unintended consequence, of their acts of terror and violence, is a drawing together of the rest of humanity. In our disbelief, in our grief, in our compassion, we are drawn together as one.

Here is what I remember in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks… I felt like an American. I felt like a part of this country in a way that went beyond goosebumps watching fireworks on the 4th of July or standing with my hand over my heart listening to the national anthem before a sporting event or National pride every 4 years at Olympic outcomes. I know after the Virgina Tech and Sandy Hook Elementary shootings, we as a nation grieved together.

As social media continues to evolve and shrink the globe with its proximity and immediacy, it’s been the main facilitator in connecting us at this time in our modern history. It unites us to other parts of the world and other cultures, showing us our commonality more than differences. If we are willing to see the similarities. Who doesn’t love, appreciate and heart melt over a smiling, loving baby? Who doesn’t see or feel the unifying realization of family, laughter, love, music, faith and gratitude for what one has? This, our collective light, love, compassion, hope, passion will overcome darkness, fear and hatred every time. Every. Damn. Time. No matter the cost. 

As I cry and grieve over the stories and images coming out of Paris, I am still grateful for my freedom and right to choose hope and compassion. I am grateful that I’ve already chosen to live from my heart, which can really hurt on days like this. But then all I have to do is reach out to those around me in my personal life or on social media. To see the light, the love, the compassion, the hope. These are our weapons and I wield them gratefully.

Namaste and God Bless Paris and her children. God Bless us all, even those trapped in their hatred and fear.

This particular stretch of my life has been amazing so far. Little acts of bravery seem to lead to other slightly bigger acts that connect me to incredible people and opportunities. I started following a wonderful woman on Facebook named Jennifer Pastiloff, who is a yoga teacher and writer that facilitates manifestation workshops and retreats all over the world. This summer she posted an essay contest on Facebook to win a scholarship to one of her yoga and writing retreats. 70 other writers and I submitted our essays. I was one of the fortunate among six writers to win a scholarship! I will be attending her New Year’s Ojai Manifestation Retreat December 30th-January 1st. When Jennifer posted the announcement of my essay, I was embraced by a community of writers, a few who promptly sent me Facebook friend requests which I accepted.

Two months ago, Jennifer mentioned she was proud to have an essay included in a book coming out called ‘Shades of Blue’. It was a small mention so I thought it was cool and made a note to keep an eye out for the release. It turns out the book contained essays from 34 writers and was edited by Amy Ferris. Amy was one of the women who had “friended me” on Facebook and as the book launch got closer she started posting a lot more about it. It contained personal essays on depression, suicide, mental illness and feeling blue. I have some very personal experiences with the subject so I pre-ordered it from Amazon and read it in 3 days. Amy asked everyone to please help “blow up” Facebook with posts about the book on the day it was to launch. Since it launched on a Tuesday, I promised I would review Shades of Blue as my Tuesday blog (something I’d never done) and put a link on how to purchase the book http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/09/29/shades-of-blue-writers-on-depression-suicide-and-feeling-blue-edited-by-amy-ferris/ . Amy loved my review/blog post so much that she re-posted the link to her page! It led to two of the essay writers commenting on my blog and another one also re-posting my blog to another page. That lead to more Facebook friend requests, one, in particular, from a writer in the book, Beth Bornstein Dunnington. Beth lives in Hawaii, puts on plays and writers workshops.

Lately, I’ve been focusing a great deal of my energy and time trying to figure out how I can afford to become a Life Coach. Not just afford it financially, but what certification program to get into and to narrow down what kind of Life Coach I will be. Well, a path and a plan has presented itself due to tremendous help and suggestions from my yoga teacher and another spiritual soul sister at work. That has given me a huge sense relief. But then I had a vague, nagging sense that I’d been neglecting my development as a writer. After all, I did decide I would be a Life Coach and a writer, so what was I doing with my writing besides my blog?

Cue the serendipity and synchronicity of this past weekend. I took my laptop so I could blog on the road. I also used it to keep up with Facebook. The Hawaiian writer/editor, Beth Bornstein Dunnington, posted she was hosting a Big Island Writer’s Workshop in Van Nuys CA on January 22, 2016 because two other workshops she was hosting at the same venue on January 23rd & 24th had filled up so quickly. I saw this post at about 2 a.m. Saturday morning after I’d just finished posting my blog. I was excited and scared, then dismissive of signing up for it. I’d never attended a writers workshop and it sounded intimidating. I went to bed and got a few hours of sleep. I woke up later Saturday morning to Beth actually tagging me in the post for the workshop asking me to sign up because she would love to work with me! Holy crap on a cracker, right? I went back and forth with her a little about my trepidation. Another writer came into the conversation to encourage me and I signed up. Wow. That was Saturday morning.

Sunday morning I woke up and saw some notifications on my phone so I went on Facebook and saw that someone who’s page I followed was doing a Periscope broadcast with a special guest. I knew the special guest had to be another woman I follow and had some interaction with on Facebook so I clicked on the link. Becky Vollmer of You Are Not Stuck and Scott Stabile were doing a live broadcast! They had done a workshop together called Get Unstuck and Just Love this past Saturday in St. Louis and they were talking about how wonderful it was. Periscope is interactive with the audience able to type into the presenters, so Becky and Scott were also responding to some of the live posts from viewers. I asked them in all capital letters to please bring their workshop to Southern California next year. Becky pointed at the screen and said “Look what Tammi typed, come to California” and Scott looked down, smiled and said “It will be early next year”. WHOA, now I  have another event/workshop to look forward to.

Lastly, The Los Angeles book launch of Shades of Blue is November 19th and 11 of the 34 writers including Jen Pastiloff, Beth Bornstein Dunnington, and Amy Ferris will be reading excerpts of their essays! There will be musicians performing and it is co-sponsored by organizations committed to shedding much-needed light and attention on depression, suicide, and mental illness. I bought a ticket the day they were available. I will be sitting front row, seat 6. I am also hoping to meet each of the three amazing women who have reached back to me when I’ve reached out to them. They have each assured me, we will meet. 

I’m so damn grateful to God for where my life is headed and for the people he continues to place on my path.