As I wrapped up my weekend before heading back, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed my time away with my friend.  I’m coming home with almost half the money I brought with me which is a definite plus and I was smart enough to not take my debit and credit cards. On our last night, Dawny (Weezer) and I (Miss Clairee) went downtown for the Freemont Street Experience and it was fabulous. We danced for hours to a fantastic Reggae cover band from Hawaii of all places. We walked Freemont taking in all the characters and the hourly light shows. Afterwards we got back to the timeshare, put on our pyjamas and indulged in some delicious desserts before putting our heads to pillows. Actually after Dawny went to her room, I turned on the fireplace and put my feet up for a spell to reflect. I was thinking this was only my third trip to Vegas and each time has only gotten better.

Although in all honesty it wouldn’t have taken much to beat my first trip there. It was a “honeymoon” in Vegas where we borrowed my mother-in-law’s new Hyundai for a turnaround trip from San Diego. We arrived late in the night and I spent most of the time in the hotel bed with menstrual cramps while the groom was downstairs gambling. He let me drive back to San Diego and I got us pulled over for speeding. He convinced the CHP officer that we were on our honeymoon so we got cited for seat belt violations instead of speeding. Those were the highlights I remembered in January of 1988. Yes, I know looking back it certainly did not bode well for the marriage but we were young, had just had a baby and we thought we were in love.

The second trip was two years ago in August. I had the bright idea on the way to lunch in a car full of work friends to celebrate someone’s 40th birthday in Vegas. Well, these were the kind of friends that made things happen! Sandy had a timeshare we could use, we all had credit cards and disposable income so an adventure was born! We flew out for a long weekend to celebrate the “baby” of the group turning 40. Now that was a fun (and expensive) trip! We stayed at a timeshare where we floated on a lovely lazy river surrounding the pool during the day. The main birthday event was a strip show called The Men of Sapphire who picked us up in a limo bus and we had VIP seating. It was quite fabulous and I received my first and second private dances. I’d arranged one for myself while my girls surprised me with another one. Our last night we saw an adult hypnotist show at The Paris that was hysterically funny, then went downtown to enjoy the Freemont Street Experience.

I suppose the fireside reflection caused me to think of how I felt after each of those trips. The first one left me feeling a little bit heartbroken and disillusioned because it was nothing like any honeymoon I’d ever hoped to have.

The second one left me feeling like your supposed to feel after a trip with a bunch of girls in Vegas: exhausted and a little bit broke financially (ha ha!) but totally worth it. I mean we had some fun stories to tell in the office when we got back!

But this last trip was the best because it was fun, relaxing and refreshing, which was unexpected given we drove up Friday and back Sunday. I’m not sure I had any expectations really. Although I did admit to Dawny I had some concerns about traveling with a friend because it doesn’t always work out well. However, we proved to be a winning combination! I want to leave you with one final picture of Dawny and me that is not from Vegas. It was taken the day we dubbed ourselves “Weezer and Miss Clairee”. A day she dared me to run through a fountain in Balboa Park and after I did, she grabbed my hand and made me run through it again, this time with her! When I look at it, I wonder how I could have ever had any concern about traveling with her. 

I’m taking my blog on a road trip to VEGAS BABY with my girl Dawny! She’d asked me some time ago if I wanted to come to Vegas with her on the weekend after her birthday. She has a friend who offered the use of their timeshare condominium for the weekend as a gift. I have to say it has been really fun and nice, once we got going on the road as evidenced by the picture below. I say that because I felt like a hot, disorganized mess in the days leading up to the trip and even worse the day of. Every day I had a list of specific items, chores or things I needed to do and each day I couldn’t get it all done. Obviously I got all the important things done, but it still left me feeling stressed and vaguely inadequate. Does anyone else go through that before a trip?The drive took us about five and a half hours with traffic. It’s a beautiful thing to be on the road with a friend that you can talk to about everything or nothing at all and just enjoy the comfortable companionable silence. In the grand scale of things, we’ve only known each other five years but we pretty much hit it off from the beginning. Being around us is like have a front row seat to the Tammi and Dawn show, or Queenie and Dawny as we affectionately call each other, having no qualms informing perfect strangers of our nicknames. Some days, like on this road trip, we refer to ourselves as Miss Clairee and Weezer, an older, much lighter, wackier version of Thelma & Louise, minus Brad Pitt, killing a man and driving off a cliff. She enjoys country music and I really don’t mind listening to country stations when I’m driving. It’s actually a great genre for road trips.

The timeshare has  a very funky Vegas chic decor with two separate bedrooms and bathrooms. It has a full kitchen, dining area, living room and a washer/dryer in the unit. It’s seriously impressive, the perfect weekend getaway.

Both of us are PROFOUNDLY grateful we are passed the stage of playing dress up, going to clubs, trying to pick up guys, walking around in high heels and tight clothing! We went to the Encore/Wynn Casino tonight because I wanted one of their snazzy Red Cards with gold lettering! I won a little more money than I took to the casino and we went out to eat afterwards. Tomorrow we are going to listen to the Holiday Inn’s spiel for 90 minutes in the morning  so we can get a $60 gift card to use at one of the four restaurants at the Venetian. We plan on spending tomorrow evening, after an early dinner somewhere at the Venetian, on Fremont Street. That’s where the real gambling, people watching and fun will take place! We bought some seriously cute but comfortable outfits from Kohl’s for this. Because while we are passed the stage of dressing up for others, we love to do it for ourselves!

I’m sitting here smiling as I write this, wondering if some of you may be expecting a wilder, racier version of this blog since it is in Vegas. But honestly, this trip is about both of us needing a little time away from our extremely busy, productive lives before the Holidays hit in earnest. I’d like to write a ton more, but it’s almost 3 am and I feel like my brain is shutting down, as it rightfully should. I just want to say I’m so damn grateful to be at this stage in my life, where I can do something like this because my children are grown and I’m financially responsible enough to plan and afford it. Of course it helps tremendously that we don’t need to pay hotel or airfare, we don’t go clubbing and we don’t drink. What we do is make each other laugh, have fun making others laugh with or at us and make the most of getting a little time away!

This week I started back to walking outside on my afternoon breaks since the weather has finally cooled here in Southern California (HALLELUJAH)! I love those walks and talks with my co-workers and missed them terribly during the extended hot humid months. We talk about all manner of personal things that are not necessarily for general office discussion and consumption. The talk turned to the fact that I’ve been in therapy for nearly two years and how far I’ve come in so many ways since then. I told them how touched and happy I was that my Yoga teacher was excited when I told her I would be participating in the studio’s training certification for teachers after the first of the year. She was genuinely pleased that she was going to be training me! Apparently she had hoped I would be interested when they announced the certification program earlier and was delighted that it had taken root with me so quickly.

My co-worker pointed out that I seem to be surrounded with amazing, supportive people. I realized that was true. But I pointed out it wasn’t always the case, even in sobriety, because I used to be so closed off from people. It’s been since I’ve steadily committed to being fully present and living from my heart that I’m attracting or drawn to many good people and situations. I think I’ve shared here before that the reason I got a therapist to begin with two years ago is for an issue with my middle child and me. Well, there was one session involving my son and me before he went to live in Northern California. The therapist asked me if I wanted to continue seeing her since I had five more free sessions through the Employee Assistance Program and she noticed some things that came up for me in that session with my son. I was willing and while the work has felt heavy, tedious and monotonous at times, it has brought me to a really great place. I had a session with her today. She was also extremely pleased and marveled at the fact that I’d only been attending yoga classes for three months and it’s led me to become a yoga teacher! All because I was open and willing to follow through on a suggestion from her to try a yoga class because I was complaining of low back pain.

Looking back at the evolution of my life in the past few years, it’s been a process of growth, intention, choice, and grace. Actually it goes back even further but I’m going to focus on the most recent time. My spiritual advisor says everything, absolutely everything that happens to us is a journey leading us to our heart. I’m finding it to be true now and most especially in hindsight. Past relationships where I’ve led with my heart and had it crushed, made me stronger. It’s taught me to continually be who I am, assert who I am and even celebrate who I am. There has been a great deal of fear, pain and tears to work through. Coming out of the other side of the growth, intention and choice has brought me true grace born of clarity and accountability. A grace that sustains me in times of joy, times of laughter, connection or times of pain, times of betrayal and suffering. I hope what I attract or am drawn to is what God calls forth for me. It feels that way most times. 

Some time ago my spiritual advisor asked me to do something, or rather gave me a mission “if I chose to accept it”, a la Mission Impossible. It was about being open to possibilities and opportunities, even if, or especially if they didn’t look like I though they should. She also asked me to consider “allowing things to happen” rather than stressing myself out trying to force things by giving myself deadlines and unrealistic tasks. Just allow… Much of our discussion was centered around my being upset and impatient with myself because I finally knew what my Mission for work and life was. Aaaand how I wanted to accomplish it as a Life Coach and a Writer. But I had not decided on what program to get my coaching certification from or how to pay for it. Plus I wanted to leave my current job because I hate it there and it’s so damn draining. I was mad at myself because I hadn’t figured out where to get my coaching certification, how to pay for it, and I hadn’t found a new job that was less draining but paid nearly as much as what I’m making now. Got the picture? Sometimes I just do not know HOW I survive being me.

Old idea #1, fluffy girls can’t do yoga class! Say what? Um, well I’ve been practicing yoga for three months now. Despite my big sweaty boobs attempting to strangle me in certain asanas (poses). I got a new sports bra recommended by another great friend who is also blessed with big girls. It’s working out better than my old sports bra, but sadly, the girls merely restrict my breathing rather than outright strangulation. Just not sure there exists a sports bra to hold them completely in place during Downward Dog or twists. Despite my tummy getting in the way of a lot of forward bends over either leg. Guess what? My tummy is shrinking, slowly but surely, as is my ability to bend lower over my legs! Despite thinking a yoga studio was like a fitness gym filled with fit bodies and personal trainers looking down their noses at me. Well, there are a lot of fit bodies and fit yoga teachers, there are also a few fluffy gals like me, but most importantly everyone is so warm, welcoming and encouraging! Plus my primary yoga teacher, who I take my two classes with is absolutely amazing and she encourages me endlessly, in class and outside of it. When I told her I was going to be a life coach she was so happy for me. The following week she referred me to a couple who had studied yoga under her and opened up their own Yoga teaching school. She also let me know that right here in my town, my yoga studio was going to start yoga teacher certification after the first of the year. Apparently fluffy girls don’t just do yoga, they can also train to TEACH it!

Old idea #2, I need to be gone from my current job YESTERDAY. Really? This is a tough one to let go of. I had dinner this past Saturday night with a co-worker that I consider a “spiritual soul sister” because we are so alike in how we think, how we work at our jobs, etc. We’d both finished working four hours of overtime and decided to grab a bite to eat together. While we were catching up, commiserating and deciding what to order she suggested that I stay in our current job so it can pay for my life coach training/certification. I was adamantly against THAT suggestion and told her so. There was no way I could put the necessary heart energy and focus into my coaching training while working where I do. Shit, this job brings me to tears of discouragement, frustration and even despair on the regular. I pointed this out to her, she knows this because it affects her the same way! But she insisted that my feelings and attitude about the job were blocking me from seeing that it’s a viable income source while I accomplish my goals. She left it alone after I made it clear that was not an option for me. But then, I remembered what my spiritual advisor said about being open to possibilities. I maintain that Life Coach training would not be something I could do effectively while working where I am. But you know what I could see myself doing? Yoga teacher certification! That I believe I could put my energy and focus into because it already feeds me spiritually as a personal practice.

Old idea #3, my timeline for accomplishing my Mission. All I need to say and understand is everything is in God’s time, not Tammi’s. Period.

Getting back to my spiritual advisor’s mission of allowing things to happen, I continued to research Life Coaching Certification Programs and Life Coach as a career. I found out there are many kinds of specialized Life Coaches, including a Yogic Life Coach! There are Health and Wellness Coaches, Spiritual Life Coaches, Career Life Coaches, Intuitive Life Coaches, Christian Life Coaches, Life Coaches and more. It appears as if a path to at least explore Yoga teaching certification in my own backyard is presenting itself to me. My friend from dinner Saturday is right, I do have a means to support myself in order to at least accomplish this phase of my plan/path. And it leaves yoga teacher training in Bali at the end of next year on the table. Except I would only need to attend the more financially affordable 300 hours advanced teacher training.

All this means is that in addition to being fully present for my life, I am learning to be open to considering opportunities and options I normally wouldn’t. And allowing, let’s not forget to allow.

I’m sitting here in my writing space feeling physically tired and achy, while spiritually, emotionally and mentally I’m pretty good. But six hours ago when I had just gotten off work, I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally discouraged to the point of tears as well as physically tired. It’s draining to be in an environment that no longer values you as an employee and no matter how hard you work it doesn’t seem to make a dent in the workload. When I stopped into the bathroom, as is my habit before hitting the road with my hour long commute, I literally burst into tears. Thank God the restroom was empty. Folks clear out of there pretty quick on Fridays. And I’m going back tomorrow on Saturday to work four hours of overtime.

It’s been a long two weeks of being sick, thinking THREE times I was getting better, yet becoming sicker again and it’s taking a toll. I’ve had to miss some 12 step meetings and yoga classes, all the while resting on my couch at home, watching tv. The NBA season started this week . I’m an avid Miami Heat fan in particular and an NBA fan in general. I’m also still willing to watch a handful of shows now that the Fall season is upon us. So even though I’ve stayed home because I was sick, the watching of so much television, be it sports or tv shows, feels like I’m avoiding my life again. You know, like back when I was either always on the couch vegging in front of the television or escaping into a romance novel. Maybe I am a little, it certainly feels like it. But I know I can’t always trust my feelings, especially when I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Just what, you may ask, turned things around for me in the space of six hours? I believe I mentioned in my blogs previously that I belong to an Events committee for a community recovery club and we were putting on a Halloween Dance tonight (Friday). I had to go help with the dance after work. I didn’t feel like I could bail on the committee because there are three of  us, including me, and I had already missed out on all the shopping for games, prizes, food, etc because I was sick last weekend. Also, since I worked full-time over an hour away, the others ended up doing pretty much all the setup and decorating, with help from some of the board members. 

The answer to the question in the previous paragraph is I showed up to be of service to my fellows even though I didn’t feel like it. Even though I had not dressed up in the French Maid costume that will just have to wait for next year. I arrived about a half hour before everything started and got to help finish setting up. I also got to be with people that will let me be me in whatever way I’m capable of showing up. It was kind of rough for the first hour or so, but it was also cool seeing so many friends show up with their kids in costume. The committee did a truly phenomenal job setting up a dance room with a DJ as well. I helped at the door collecting money and stamping hands. I ate yummy food. Then the dancing started in earnest and I got out there for a lot of songs! I love dancing. I especially love dancing with friends! I also love sitting and talking with people I don’t always get to see regularly because we don’t all go to the same 12 step meetings. Honestly, by the time I finished the Electric Slide though I was D.O.N.E. So I sat for a bit, then I helped with clean up until it was time for me to go home because I still needed to write my blog.

This is why on balance I’m actually good and so is my life. My feeling drained and discouraged is temporary. Sure I have to go back to work tomorrow for overtime and start the new work week again on Monday. But I feel well enough to get back to my yoga class tomorrow morning and my Saturday night AA meeting. I have a half a vacation day next Friday because Dawny and I are going to Vegas for the weekend for her birthday! ROAD TRIP BABY!!! And while I think and feel like I’m avoiding my life, the truth is that I’m still living up to my commitment to be fully present for it. It’s because I’m fully present that I can see and feel how much it sucks at work, which is a huge chunk of my time right now. However, I’ve also committed to changing that. I won’t always be here and I know where I am headed. That’s half the battle right there. And I don’t have to win the war tomorrow.