My spiritual adviser warned me about this phenomenon that we visit upon ourselves. She calls it our human self, as opposed to our Higher more evolved Self. My therapist calls it our ego. The part of us that operates from the shadows of doubt, uncertainty, and fear. Whose voice whispers so insidiously and convincingly of inevitable doom or failure, so why bother? It’s designed to either keep you from your light and growth or to lure you back into it’s dark shadows if you dare to venture out. It’s a mentor or therapist’s fancier way of warning me about the ways I can work against myself or outright self-sabotage.

Why do I bring this up? It may have something to do with the realization that I had been doing just that in small ways to myself, but this weekend my ego truly reared its head. Perhaps because I was so bold as to declare my intentions for the coming year in Saturday’s blog post? Probably, but the smaller missteps were happening before this past weekend. I’ve skipped a few yoga classes here and there lately, which had not been the case the first three and a half months since I started attending the studio. My eating choices have been suspect too. It doesn’t help since it is the holiday season offering up all manner of yummy, fattening goodness! Ah, yes, and there have been my finances which also take a hit this time of year. I’m much, MUCH less disciplined with spending or accountability when it comes to savings.

I was flying so high Friday night when I wrote my intentions for Saturday’s blog. That optimism and positive spiritual energy carried over to Saturday with friends encouraging me with my ideas. I even have an order for one of my “Bali fund” fundraising ideas of a full Chili dinner, including cornbread and a 7-up cake for dessert! I ended up having the opportunity to help clean a house Saturday afternoon and earned my first official Bali-fund money… Except Sunday, I went to Michael’s to shop for a Christmas ornament for an office ornament exchange party this week and they were having a 60% off sale on ALL Christmas items. So I spent a little over half of my cleaning money there. Then I headed to Home Depot to buy $5 poinsettia plants, but they didn’t have them and I bought vegetarian chili, organic crispy onions, and pork tamales, which pretty much took care of the rest of the cleaning money. So I actually SPENT my first official Bali-fund money!

Sunday afternoon when I got home from shopping, the shadows started whispering, so low and quiet, “You’re kidding if you think you’re going to save enough money for Bali when you can’t even hang on to the first money you earned for it.” “It’s less than a year away, you know you can’t save that kind of money.”  “You didn’t even NEED those extra Christmas things you bought! What is wrong with you?” Of course, then I started to believe the thoughts and to feel discouraged. I spent the rest of Sunday on the couch watching television and Facebooking on my phone. Also something I’ve been doing more of lately, which felt suspiciously like how I use to “check out” of my life when I was so unhappy and felt helpless to change it.

My energy was low at work today, but it wasn’t really a bad Monday at all. I had taken my breakfast, a morning snack and lunch to work so I only spent money on coffee  and an afternoon snack. Thank God I had a therapy appointment after work! My last face to face appointment with her since she is leaving the practice. That didn’t help with how I was feeling, but her office is one of the places where it’s become safe to examine the truths of what I’m thinking and feeling. This blog is as well if you haven’t been able to tell. So she pointed out what my ego was doing in response to my growth and progress with my intentions. It made sense and I’m sure I’ll get even more feedback from my spiritual adviser about my human self on Wednesday when I talk to her. The advice from both is to acknowledge the behavior, thoughts or feelings but also recognize that it lies. I made a few choices that were not in line with my intentions, for 1 day. There is still plenty of time and there will be plenty of other opportunities to make better choices. In fact, I still have the receipt and stuff from Michael’s with the tags on them, which I will return this week. So see? Choices and decisions can be reversed or rectified as well.

What am I giving my attention to? Are my intentions clear and strong? These are very good questions for me at this time in my life. There are plans and goals I’ve declared for myself for the coming year. Plans and goals I’ll need to keep in mind and work my ass off to accomplish. Before I get to that, though, let’s look at the meaning of those two words in the topic.

The definition of attention is the act or state of applying the mind to something. It’s a condition of readiness involving a selective narrowing or focusing of consciousness and receptivity

The definition of intention is a goal, purpose, or aim. It’s something you mean to do, whether you pull it off or not.

My intention for the coming year is to complete a yoga teacher certification program, to work and gain experience as a yoga teacher, to expand my writing professionally beyond this blog, and finally to travel to Bali at the end of the year to do advanced yoga teacher training at an international yoga school. Big plans… Huge goals! I’d say those are clear and strong intentions, wouldn’t you? 

Lately, my attention has been all over the place! Worrying about upcoming events, stressing out about my job and trying to figure out Christmas presents. I’ve come to realize that if I am to “pull off” what I mean to do, I’d better start paying attention to HOW I’m going to make it all happen. It’s so amazing the way my God and the Universe works for me when I recognize how it manifests. Case in point… My girl from way back, Noreen called me this week to catch up and make a dinner date for the end of the week. We do this every four or five months and have been friends for over 25 years now. One of the things Noreen is exceedingly good at is handling her money! So I ran down for her what my goals were for the coming year and the COST for all of it. First she broke down roughly how much I’d need to save each month. Then she helped me run down my finances off the top of her head and showed me where I can cut back on some bills, save money in other areas, and gave me some ideas on side hustles. It was a little daunting, getting it down in black and white, but there was progress made. After dinner on the long drive back to my town, I was thinking of other ways to fundraise throughout the year to help with my “Bali” fund and decided to stop at my old Friday AA meeting for a little spiritual uplift and connection. I made it for the last 30 minutes and heard a lot of experience, strength, and hope in that short time. Afterward, I was talking with another friend who works for a property management company. She mentioned she would be busy for a few hours Saturday with a side job, cleaning for one of the owners of a property that needed it ready for a new tenant. I asked her to keep me in mind if she needed help for any future cleaning jobs and she said that was perfect because it’s hard for her to find anyone that wants to do that kind of thing. She also mentioned there may be some move-out cleaning jobs coming up after the first of the year! Just like that, a possible side income to help build by “Bali” fund!  I also reached out to someone in my company from another department this week on my upcoming yoga teacher certification because I overheard her talking to someone months ago about teaching yoga. She brought me her teacher training notebook today at work so I can use it as another reference for my training!

So to answer my original questions, I am giving my attention to how I can accomplish my intentions for the coming year and I’m grateful for that. The financial part is but one aspect. I’m also reaching out to people that can encourage and help me along the way. I hope as my friends and family you will remind me to keep my focus and my intentions clear for the coming year.

I don’t do well with limbo or lag time. Maybe a more accurate statement is I don’t like being in limbo or dealing with lag time. There’s too much time for my head to start running and my mind to start thinking. Especially when I’m anticipating something new, different and almost certainly life-altering. Something like a Yoga Manifestation Retreat over New Years. Or a Big Island Writer’s Workshop. Or Yoga Teacher Training. You see all three of those exciting and amazingly cool opportunities came about because I’ve put myself “out there” in a way I’ve never done before. However, I’m beginning to understand the true paradox which applies to my situation. Even though I’ve come by each of these amazing events by putting myself out there, I’ll have to go within, deeply within myself to accomplish the objective of each opportunity.

I’m getting a lot of questions from friends and family about the Manifestation Retreat in Ojai. I answer the best that I can, but even Jen Pastiloff  on her website says it can’t be adequately explained except that it’s pure magic. Almost all the testimonials say that the retreats are magic. There’s a little yoga, a lot of writing, dancing, singing, laughter, tears and a whole lot of magic. I know there is a lot of naming, confronting, shouting your deepest fears and manifesting what you deeply wish or desire. I’ve only met Jen once and she’ll be the only one I know there. I think the count is up to 30 people or so. And The Big Island Writers Workshop? The writer/director/actress Beth Bornstein-Dunnington is all over my Facebook newsfeed writing up eloquent, moving accounts of her workshops in Boston. These are smaller, more intimate groups of serious writers gathering for one day to write based on prompts that Beth comes up with. The writings are read aloud and shared with the group, then they go back and write something deeper after feedback from the group. Then there is the 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training. I already mentioned in my previous blog post that I’ve been reading the materials given to me. It’s SUCH a huge commitment of mental, physical, emotional and spiritual energy.

The more time I have to think about these upcoming events the more it feels like ‘my mouth writing checks my ass can’t cash’ all over again, http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/08/29/my-mouth-wrote-a-check-and-my-ass-is-desperately-trying-to-cash-it/.  What if I don’t have what it takes to help bring magic? What if Jen’s magic doesn’t work for me? What if I freeze up in Beth’s workshop when she gives the writing prompt? What if I can’t write? What if I don’t have the required energy and effort it takes to become certified to teach yoga? What if I don’t really have what it takes to be what I want to be when I grow up? Shit, that is A LOT of “what ifs” isn’t it? I told you I don’t do well with limbo and lag time. It sucks feeling stuck in the hallway, but you know what they say about that right? PRAISE HIM, TRUST HIM, BELIEVE HIM when he puts you where you’ve never been but want to be.

My Dawny told me HER spiritual adviser says, “you know what you can do when you’re stuck in the hallway? Sweep it while you wait for a door to open.” I like that too!

I committed right here on my blog almost from the beginning that I would answer His call- every time. Even if, or especially when His call seems to come from within by putting myself out there. Ha! How’s that for paradox?

The Tension/Trauma Release Exercise workshop or TRE 2.0 as I like to think of it went better this time around. It’s hard to believe it has been two months since I experienced the last one. I was better prepared for what to expect this time around, but I still went into it feeling bad about myself and my abilities. I didn’t fight the process as much, though. And guess what? I didn’t have as much tension/trauma to release this time either. That is not to say there wasn’t any because there was, but it wasn’t as intense or overwrought. After the first one, I felt drained and I was a wreck.  This time, I was tired, but my heart felt quiet and at peace. I was exhausted and emotional for days after the first time. This time, I went home ate a big yummy bowl of Chicago Mix popcorn and took a long, restful nap. I’ve felt fine ever since. A little achy and sore in my back, glute and thigh muscles from the wall and floor exercises, but my energy and clarity have been on point.

So here is a follow up to all the writing about those FEELINGS that had me fucked up last week. Remember how I felt incompetent, inadequate and overwhelmed at work? Well, when I went in to do overtime on Saturday morning, instead of going to my yoga class, I got a much-needed reality check. I am exceedingly good at evaluating, interpreting, investigating, documenting and resolving claims. Those things all take time and effort. I’m not a slow worker either, I’m thorough and deliberate. I’m also very good with people, including personal injury attorneys and their assistants. I got some work done, but the volume is such that there is still much more. More importantly, I left there feeling closer to what I know to be true about myself. I am a smart, valuable and capable employee.

As for my uncertainty concerning my yoga practice and my doubts about my abilities on the mat? I have a book suggested by Joy, the studio owner and a booklet put together by my teacher Tracy. They gave them to me because I asked if there was anything I could do to help prepare myself for the certification program they are putting together. I made a point of reading more out of both resources this weekend. The more I read about yoga, the more I understand it’s a lifestyle, a philosophy, and a message. It shows me this will be huge and life altering to my spiritual, emotional, physical and mental well-being! One I’ve already committed to- as much of what I’m learning describes what is presently unfolding for me personally. There is a relief in that recognition. I’m already on the path and I have great teachers to guide me.

The Baby Bub, mother-daughter dynamic will take more than a few words in a paragraph of a blog post to understand and resolve. But that’s the point isn’t it? Part of it is the normal (natural?) disconnect that can and does occur when a female hits her teens and twenties. Part of it is our relationship, which is a work of love, in progress. I make it a point to be more present and  listen more when she engages me. It’s a start and it already feels better.

All of this illustrates for me that I have already started rewriting my old stories. I no longer hold on to old negative messages and feelings so tightly or so long, which frees up a great deal of energy. It provides clarity moving forward to compose more accurate depictions based on present reality and a willingness to let my new story unfold.

What I know versus what I feel sucks ass right now! My track record tells me I know I’m going to be ok, but I feel like I’m headed into a dark, defeatist mindset. I know I am smart, capable and valuable as an employee. But I feel incompetent, inadequate and overwhelmed by the unwieldy workload along with the new metrics and numbers I’m judged by at work. I know I have options and choice about the direction of my life, but I feel afraid and powerless.

My daughter thinks I don’t know her. She’s told me this many times. Sometimes in anger, in exasperation or sometimes jokingly. But she really believes that I have no clue who she is. I can’t tell her the things I know about her because I’m her mother or because I’m a woman who has been where she is right now. I can’t tell her the wonderful  and amazing qualities and values I see in her. Some of them she got from me, some she got from other really good people she gravitated to and stayed close with. Her smart ass humor, her generosity, her addictive personality when it comes to junk food and tv watching, her sensitivity, her service to her community are all me. All me, but I can’t tell her that. I could explain to her that the closeness she feels to her youth director, his wife and their young children fills her need and longing for a sense of family. One I’ve been unable to provide on my own since her brothers are long gone out of the house and she’s just at an age where mom is not cool to be with. I know my Baby Bub, but I feel disconnected from her.

I know I’ve made progress in my yoga practice, hell, I actually HAVE a yoga practice now and I’m planning to get certified to teach it. But I’m feeling uncertain and doubtful in my abilities on the mat. I know I called breath, focus and follow through as my anchors for the coming weeks which helped for a few days, but I feel choked with emotion, completely unfocused and scattered at week’s end. I signed up for another Tension/Trauma Release Workshop at my yoga studio. Remember how well I did with the last one in http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/09/22/its-time-to-replace-my-old-stories/? Yeah, that’s tomorrow afternoon.

Right about now, I know I’m supposed to bring the tone up and try to wrap this up in a sweet little spiritually uplifting bow but I’m just not feeling that. Sorry, not sorry. What I do know is that feelings are not facts. Feelings. Are. Not. Facts. But I’m still feeling pretty fucked up about myself, my life, my future right now. Just right now. Hopefully, a good night’s sleep, some overtime at work tomorrow morning, some lunch after that, then the Tension workshop and a nap will do wonders for me. If not, there’s always my Saturday night 12 step meeting and oh hey, I forgot my spiritual advisor is coming to town for that meeting so I get to see her. In fact, I think she wants to try to do dinner or something too… Well damn, I’m starting to feel better already, despite myself. How about that?