I’m a procrastinator, not as bad as I used to be, thank God. But it’s still a part of my modus operandi in dealing with unpleasant, complicated and difficult tasks, be they personal or professional. Here are two cases in point.

The first was my taxes. I’ve always filed my taxes as early as possibly, usually at the end of January but no later than the second week of February. I always got refunds so I wanted my money as early as possible to do all manner of things depending on how much I got back. I was counting on this year’s refund to pay for my yoga teacher training, which will cost $2400-$3000 for any decent program. Imagine the utter shock and dismay I felt when I went on Turbo Tax online at the end of January to discover I OWE the federal government for the first time ever. Baby Bub dropped out of college last year in March, she was not a student for five months of the year, and she made more than $4000 at her job at Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. This disqualified her as a dependent. Which disqualified me from filing as Head of Household, designating me to Single status. To add insult to injury, I was teaching her how to file her own taxes this year, so she was sitting with me at the computer when Turbo Tax delivered this life altering news. I did not handle it well. I shut down, went to my room and slammed the door. She asked if she should do her taxes. I told her to go for it but insisted she wait to actually file them until after I talked to a co-worker who is certified to do taxes on the side. Did I mention I didn’t handle it well? The next day I checked with my co-worker who confirmed what Turbo Tax told me. Baby Bub is entitled to her full refund, though. When I got home that night I told her she could file her taxes but I wanted $100.00 of her refund. She agreed. Then I refused to file mine. I erased what I’d entered from their site and ignored the occasional emails from Turbo Tax telling me they had my User ID available to make filing easy. My plan was to save money from each paycheck until I had the amount needed to pay what I owed. By my calculations that put me right around now, roughly a week and some change before the filing deadline. And so tonight, I bit the bullet, redid my taxes and paid the Federal government what I owed as a Single with No Dependents. You know what? It felt good to finally face what I had to and git er done.

My second case in point? As part of my secretary duties for my 12 step Sunday morning meeting, I collect and keeping track of our weekly monetary contributions. Once the contributions hit $200.00 I am supposed to divide it among five entities within our organization and send checks. I reimburse the coffee maker for coffee supplies purchased out of his  pocket as long as he provides receipts and I keep our meeting supplied with tokens and literature as well. I hate bookkeeping. It’s tedious, so I procrastinate. Last week I finally used some of the contributions to buy the meeting replacement tokens. However, I have yet to divide any money among the five entities and send them checks. I confessed this to my best friend Dawny, who handles similar duties for an organization she goes to. I’d stopped by her place after work tonight to deliver cupcakes, our latest addiction (which she TOTALLY started with that damn cupcake run last weekend) and to share my leftover Thai food from lunch with her for dinner. We got to eat, talk and enjoy each other’s company. I was telling her my plans to go home and do my taxes, then some meditation/reflection on things before writing my blog. As I was walking out to my car, I told her tomorrow I’d be spending the morning organizing the money from my Sunday meeting so I could send it off to the five entities. She said she had to do the same for her meeting and asked how much mine was. I told her we’re supposed to send money whenever it reaches $200, but I had over $600 in the bag. Her shocked expression and exclamation were so hilarious to me that I bent over howling with laughter, trying not to piss my pants. She started laughing too, which made me drop to her floor because the urge to pee got stronger. She asked how long I’d been secretary and I told her since September between bouts of laughter and that I was going to piss my pants. She yelled at me to stop laughing because I would make her fall to the ground laughing too. That’s when I pissed my pants a little, actually more than a little. Thank God for panty liners!!! As I walked away I reminded her that I was her Associate Treasurer on the Board of the community organization we serve. More laughter between us, maybe she even peed a little over that one.

As I pouted and procrastinated, I took steps in February to adjust my withholding, signed up for a Flexible Spending Account and increased the percentage of my 401k contributions as an acknowledgment of my new tax filing status and hope to avoid paying next year. As for the secretary bookkeeping duties, I’m getting around to it now aren’t I? Plus once I do it, it will be simpler and easier for me to do it at the proper time from here on out. Or at least, before I pass my commitment on to the next secretary in September. I strive for progress, not perfection. And learn to laugh along the way.

This was the topic at a recent meeting where I was called on to share about the topic but I passed. The main reason I passed was because I’d been to two other meetings that weekend where I was called on and I did share. Sometimes I get a little sick of my own voice or sharing my own experience, strength, and hope. I like to listen to what others have to say too. But the topic stayed with me through this week and it started to color how I took in my world around me. The reading that related to the topic of accepting our humanness focused on admitting our wrongs, looking at and accepting our part in our wrongs and becoming willing to set matters straight.

In other words: honesty, accountability, and corrective action. These are important principles and values instilled in us 12 steppers almost from the very beginning. And once we begin to practice these principles in all our affairs, to the best of our willingness and ability, oppositional factors such as justification, rationalization and denial go out the window. It can make for a very interesting, energetic mental and spiritual tug-of-war a lot of the time. You see, most of the time, my first reaction is of the oppositional, dysfunctional variety. But my recovery principles always kick in or come to the forefront. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, depending upon my spiritual fitness at the time and believe me, I am not always spiritually fit. That shit takes work. A definite labor of love. But it’s a labor of love that yields some pretty incredible things like peace, acceptance, and gratitude.

Let me give you an example by telling you about something that happened to me last Friday at the birthday Happy Hour of a work friend. I was talking with a lovely woman, Carolina, who is a friend of a friend at work. She and I are very friendly and talk quite a bit at social events like that or when we run into each other at work. She knows my oldest son, Charles, who works at our company. She had been encouraging him to go back to school for at least two years now, something she’d mentioned to me at that time and still mentioned whenever she saw me. She started explaining that she was so happy because he told  her he signed up for classes. I had a blank look on my face because I didn’t know.  I smiled though because I was glad to hear he followed her advice and went back to school. She started to look upset when it was clear Charles had not told me about it. I was quick and genuine in my reassurance that I wasn’t upset. Charles is intensely private about his life, he always has been, even as a child. I’ve made peace with that about him and I don’t take it personally anymore. I truly don’t because when I do run into him at work he always smiles big, hugs me hard and asks how I’m doing. I feel the love and sincerity in his smile and his embrace. I’ve done a lot of work over the years regarding my parenting, my past, and my current relationships with each of my children. I’ve written about some of that here, mainly Baby Bub because she’s still in the house with me. But Charles is 28 years old and I sent him to live with his father when he was 15. He is my first born and our relationship is different. I learned to look honestly at my part in his upbringing. In my honesty, I was able to accept responsibility for a lot of things and I made amends. More importantly, I adjusted my expectations. I am able to accept him for who he is. I am able to love him in the way he allows. Which has improved our relationship so much and I am grateful for that.

I have a sense of humor and appreciation regarding my humanness today. It also keeps me out of the “victim and poor me” mentality that I lived in for so long. There is strength in accountability and grace in making amends.

I went on a quest this weekend that turned into an adventure. It started, as many of my quest-turned-adventures do, with Dawny, my thoughtful, generous best friend. She’d heard that a new friend, Justine was selling cupcakes at some kind of street fair in Wynola, the next town over from where we live and asked me if I wanted to go to the event Saturday morning to surprise and support her.  I told her sure, I was down for a cupcake run.

On Saturday morning. we each did what we had to do (or not do, in my case), then Dawny came over. The first snag happened with scheduling. Dawny called Justine to find out what time the street fair started and it wasn’t until noon. That time frame wasn’t going to work for us. We decided to reschedule the run for Sunday morning because the fair opened a couple hours earlier at 10 am. This time I drove over to Dawny’s place around 11:20 am after my Sunday morning meeting in the park. We headed out to Wynola on our cupcake run. The drive took 30 minutes and we passed it because the town is so small and we didn’t know exactly what we were looking for. Turns out it was a Lilac Festival! The second snag happened because Justine ran out of cupcakes and left to bring back more. Dawny and I had time to kill before needing to head back for a community board meeting. Thus, the quest for cupcakes became a meandering adventure.

The Lilac Festival took place on Fort Cross Farm with booths of various interests along a path around the property. We started on the path and found a pony booth with a small corral for kids to ride and be led around inside. We continued on and saw a sign for “archery and t-hawks”. We wondered what “t-hawks” were, then it suddenly came to me, TOMAHAWKS!  An area for archery and tomahawk throwing! We ambled over to the area where there was a bonafide, true-life mountain man by the name of TJ Black, who told us about the history of trappers, hunters and traders in the area and how local Natives would trade furs for tomahawks. He gave us a demonstration on how to throw tomahawks then stepped back and insisted we try it ourselves.

It was a blast! I managed to embed one of the three tomahawks in the wooden targets. Dawny hit two targets on her second try. After the tomahawk area, we stumbled upon a hayride, in progress. The driver stopped the hayride and insisted Dawny & I joined in on the impromptu sing-a-long. So we did. He pulled out his guitar and a few people already on the ride had a tambourine, a cowbell, and a home-made bass, which consisted of a stick in an upside washtub with strings attached. Folks, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. We sang several rounds of “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round The Mountain”, then were invited to hop on the back of the hayride. So we did. We rode around the property then ended up back at the front of the festival, where it turns out we were expected to participate in a couple of hoe-down group dances. So we did! It was all a blast and a hoot and a half, but still no cupcakes. It was getting late, we were hungry and it was hot out. Dawny called Justine again but it didn’t sound like she was going to make it back before we had to leave. We went back to Dawny’s car to wait. Then decided to cross the highway to check out a taco bar, but it was too crowded and would have taken too long. We got back to Dawny’s car and just as we were about to leave, Justine pulled up with her cupcakes! We conducted our transaction in the grassy knoll parking lot between the vehicles. These cupcakes were divine and well worth the wait. I bought two lemon curd with lilac icing and one chocolate with chocolate icing.

So how is this a metaphor? Hmmm, let’s see. We started out with a plan for Saturday, which changed to Sunday. Upon arrival, the main reason for going wasn’t there. But we made the best of things and participated in what was available, having a lot of fun along the way. Trying and learning something new. Being willing to take some direction, which led to much hilarity and more fun. After a little tension, feeling uncomfortable, considering an alternative that didn’t to work, we ultimately had just enough patience to finally get what we were after. I don’t know about y’all but that really feels like my life right now. My plans have been altered, adjusted, stalled and redirected. I just need to stay willing through it all. Willing to make the best of what is available, to try and learn something new, to take some direction, to endure some tension, to try alternatives that may or may not work and ultimately to have just enough patience to get me where He leads.

First of all, I can’t even begin to tell you how much it meant that so many of you from different facets of my life reached out to show me love and support in response to Thursday’s blog. I wrote that blog Wednesday night and I couldn’t fall asleep until after 2am Thursday morning. Then, I had to get up for work Thursday at 5:30am. So Thursday started out ROUGH. I got to work, kept my head down and summoned what little energy I had to get my job done. About 20 minutes later I received an instant message on my work computer from a young angel-friend, Amy, who is in a different department. She sent two lovely memes with a sweet little note. One said “Good Morning” with a picture of a row of Adirondack chairs on a beach. The other one was a quote from the movie ‘The Help’ which I embedded in the blog. That quote was my favorite part of the movie and it always moved me to tears. I was touched and immediately decided to forward both memes via instant message to another co-worker friend that I knew was also struggling. I told Amy that I was passing along her memes and she replied she’d read my blog that morning and wanted to send me some extra love. I was surprised. I was aware Amy knew of my blog and had read it before, but she’s not on Facebook so that meant she went to the blog site on her own. Later that morning while on break another friend asked me if I was doing ok because she’d read my blog too. As tired and exhausted as I was, both of those interactions lifted my heart and spirit. After work, I went straight to a women’s 12 step meeting that I had not been to in a very long time. It was great. I even went to Denny’s afterward for some food and fellowship after the meeting. At that point, I’m not sure how I was upright and coherent but I made it home and promptly went to bed.

Friday morning it was back to work. I was unusually focused and productive. It’s casual dress on Fridays and there is a relaxed atmosphere, but I got quite a bit of work done. At the end of the day, I headed over to Happy Hour for a friend’s birthday. I don’t normally do Happy Hours on a regular basis for obvious reasons, but I make an exception for special occasions. This was one of them. I had a fabulous time blowing off steam. My Lydia Lolabrigida, who’d retired earlier this year was there, which lifted my spirits to no end! We got a little loud and the manager had to ask us to keep it down since they were a restaurant too. Then a few of us went outside to get into some shenanigans with a donkey. Ah good times, good times… 

I left Happy Hour in time to get to a Friday night meeting I don’t usually attend. I walked in 10 minutes late but was hailed and greeted with the same loud, raucous enthusiasm I received at Happy Hour. It made me smile as I flipped my friends off for disrupting the meeting and calling undue attention as I walked to my seat. But hey, that’s how my spiritual kin roll. It felt amazing to continue to connect with this community that is my family. Listening to and sharing our collective experience, strength and hope. All with love, affection, and acceptance for each other. I did what I said I needed at the end of  my Thursdays blog: I adjusted expectations and put in a little more effort in hopes of feeling a bit better the next day. It reminded me of that Irish proverb, though not necessarily in the same order. Of course, there was also the love that came my way.

Just writing the blog title made me sigh, in relief and resigned recognition. I’ve been here before, but it’s been a while. This place, or rather getting to this place had many moving parts and pieces. It’s been a slow, steady slide into less yoga, less meeting attendance, less connecting with my recovery peeps, more unhealthy eating, way more television watching. Really the only thing missing is burying my nose in a romance novel I’d read and re-read dozens of times. Yep, I’m isolating and “checking out” of life. Mainly because I’m afraid and getting overwhelmed at a lot of next level stuff coming up. Stuff like the reality of choosing and committing to a Yoga Teacher Training program (I still haven’t found one). Stuff like paying for it (I don’t have it all saved up yet). And if I do find a YTT program that fits into my work schedule and the money to pay for it? Am I capable of succeeding and completing it? What about my Life Coach training? I need to go through the same thing with finding a coach training program, committing to it and paying for that.

I’ve been avoiding dealing with the fear and anxiety of my future with a decided lack of presence in my life. It sucks and even with acknowledging it, knowing what I need to do to get going, I’m not motivated to do it. I’m just not. I’m stressed and overwhelmed about my job again, even though I was notified of my annual performance raise yesterday. The raise wasn’t bad either, more than I expected. However, the workload is so unwieldy. It’s not like I sit at my desk and twiddle my thumbs all day either. That’s not even possible to do for a small part of the day. I’m busy as hell when I’m there but so much doesn’t get done, it’s so disheartening. I feel ineffective as an employee. Which in turn makes me even more anxious and afraid about going into business for myself when I do get certified to teach yoga and coach. Ha, wouldya look at that? Even in the midst of my downward spiral, I did write WHEN instead of IF I do get certified to teach yoga and coach. That’s something at least.

I’m creating some problems with my inaction and lack of presence. Problems that need to be dealt with. But again, I’m not motivated to do anything. I’m just not. A part of me wants to give up on all these goals and dreams. Forget about having to write a blog three times a week. Forget about finding YTT or coach training programs. Forget about finding a way to pay for them. I can go out and buy new romance books, start a new collection since I gave all of them away when I moved last summer. I’m tired. I’m not feeling all that great about writing and publishing my last blog post either. I need to go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I suppose since I didn’t get into this space overnight, I probably won’t get out of it overnight. So perhaps I adjust expectations and hope tomorrow is a little better with a little more effort and presence from me. That’s the best I can do for now.