Accepting Our Humanness

This was the topic at a recent meeting where I was called on to share about the topic but I passed. The main reason I passed was because I’d been to two other meetings that weekend where I was called on and I did share. Sometimes I get a little sick of my own voice or sharing my own experience, strength, and hope. I like to listen to what others have to say too. But the topic stayed with me through this week and it started to color how I took in my world around me. The reading that related to the topic of accepting our humanness focused on admitting our wrongs, looking at and accepting our part in our wrongs and becoming willing to set matters straight.

In other words: honesty, accountability, and corrective action. These are important principles and values instilled in us 12 steppers almost from the very beginning. And once we begin to practice these principles in all our affairs, to the best of our willingness and ability, oppositional factors such as justification, rationalization and denial go out the window. It can make for a very interesting, energetic mental and spiritual tug-of-war a lot of the time. You see, most of the time, my first reaction is of the oppositional, dysfunctional variety. But my recovery principles always kick in or come to the forefront. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, depending upon my spiritual fitness at the time and believe me, I am not always spiritually fit. That shit takes work. A definite labor of love. But it’s a labor of love that yields some pretty incredible things like peace, acceptance, and gratitude.

Let me give you an example by telling you about something that happened to me last Friday at the birthday Happy Hour of a work friend. I was talking with a lovely woman, Carolina, who is a friend of a friend at work. She and I are very friendly and talk quite a bit at social events like that or when we run into each other at work. She knows my oldest son, Charles, who works at our company. She had been encouraging him to go back to school for at least two years now, something she’d mentioned to me at that time and still mentioned whenever she saw me. She started explaining that she was so happy because he told  her he signed up for classes. I had a blank look on my face because I didn’t know.  I smiled though because I was glad to hear he followed her advice and went back to school. She started to look upset when it was clear Charles had not told me about it. I was quick and genuine in my reassurance that I wasn’t upset. Charles is intensely private about his life, he always has been, even as a child. I’ve made peace with that about him and I don’t take it personally anymore. I truly don’t because when I do run into him at work he always smiles big, hugs me hard and asks how I’m doing. I feel the love and sincerity in his smile and his embrace. I’ve done a lot of work over the years regarding my parenting, my past, and my current relationships with each of my children. I’ve written about some of that here, mainly Baby Bub because she’s still in the house with me. But Charles is 28 years old and I sent him to live with his father when he was 15. He is my first born and our relationship is different. I learned to look honestly at my part in his upbringing. In my honesty, I was able to accept responsibility for a lot of things and I made amends. More importantly, I adjusted my expectations. I am able to accept him for who he is. I am able to love him in the way he allows. Which has improved our relationship so much and I am grateful for that.

I have a sense of humor and appreciation regarding my humanness today. It also keeps me out of the “victim and poor me” mentality that I lived in for so long. There is strength in accountability and grace in making amends.