A Lack of Presence

Just writing the blog title made me sigh, in relief and resigned recognition. I’ve been here before, but it’s been a while. This place, or rather getting to this place had many moving parts and pieces. It’s been a slow, steady slide into less yoga, less meeting attendance, less connecting with my recovery peeps, more unhealthy eating, way more television watching. Really the only thing missing is burying my nose in a romance novel I’d read and re-read dozens of times. Yep, I’m isolating and “checking out” of life. Mainly because I’m afraid and getting overwhelmed at a lot of next level stuff coming up. Stuff like the reality of choosing and committing to a Yoga Teacher Training program (I still haven’t found one). Stuff like paying for it (I don’t have it all saved up yet). And if I do find a YTT program that fits into my work schedule and the money to pay for it? Am I capable of succeeding and completing it? What about my Life Coach training? I need to go through the same thing with finding a coach training program, committing to it and paying for that.

I’ve been avoiding dealing with the fear and anxiety of my future with a decided lack of presence in my life. It sucks and even with acknowledging it, knowing what I need to do to get going, I’m not motivated to do it. I’m just not. I’m stressed and overwhelmed about my job again, even though I was notified of my annual performance raise yesterday. The raise wasn’t bad either, more than I expected. However, the workload is so unwieldy. It’s not like I sit at my desk and twiddle my thumbs all day either. That’s not even possible to do for a small part of the day. I’m busy as hell when I’m there but so much doesn’t get done, it’s so disheartening. I feel ineffective as an employee. Which in turn makes me even more anxious and afraid about going into business for myself when I do get certified to teach yoga and coach. Ha, wouldya look at that? Even in the midst of my downward spiral, I did write WHEN instead of IF I do get certified to teach yoga and coach. That’s something at least.

I’m creating some problems with my inaction and lack of presence. Problems that need to be dealt with. But again, I’m not motivated to do anything. I’m just not. A part of me wants to give up on all these goals and dreams. Forget about having to write a blog three times a week. Forget about finding YTT or coach training programs. Forget about finding a way to pay for them. I can go out and buy new romance books, start a new collection since I gave all of them away when I moved last summer. I’m tired. I’m not feeling all that great about writing and publishing my last blog post either. I need to go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I suppose since I didn’t get into this space overnight, I probably won’t get out of it overnight. So perhaps I adjust expectations and hope tomorrow is a little better with a little more effort and presence from me. That’s the best I can do for now.