A Return to the Rainforest: Part 1 of My Prelude To Hawaii

I’ve been back from this year’s Big Island Writers Retreat for a week or so and I still feel the “island vibe” as I like to call it. On a whim, I added the Labor Day holiday weekend to my trip, not realizing the impact those few extra days would have. Or perhaps my intuitive Higher Self did?  I was on vacation August 31st through September 12th, with 6 of those 11 days on the Big Island. It was unbelievably glorious (and so necessary) since I only took 5 days off for last year’s retreat.

Last year I had so much fear and insecurity surrounding the trip, it triggered months of dysfunctional behavior prior to it. Could I guide a yoga class outside of my yoga studio that anyone would like? Was I capable of writing for 3 straight days when I’ve only done 1-day workshops up until then? After a rocky start with my writing, the answers to those questions were a resounding “YES”!

I was more confident in my [yoga] teaching and writing abilities this year but that never stops my head from running the mental mindfuck game. It focused on the draining stress of my job, living on my own, and my growing concern about supporting myself for the first time in my life. It was only a matter of time before I began to think negatively about the trip. It started with my plans to be organized about packing, which always turns out to be a cruel, running joke I can’t stop telling myself EVERY TIME I GO ANYWHERE. A few aspects of the travel plans hit minor snags that my mind naturally turned into a collective rip in the very fabric of my world.  A surprise gift I organized for the facilitator of the retreat came in the mail from Amazon and I was literally crestfallen when I saw what it looked like in real life. Oh, who am I kidding? I was probably just as big of a mess this year as last year! Only it happened in a much shorter timeframe. This was the week of the trip! Oh, and trust me, those are the things I’m willing to admit to… there is ALWAYS more to tell you but it makes me look a lot worse so let’s move on to the proactive phase of this cycle, shall we?

I sat down with all my icky feelings about myself and the trip, grabbed the closest tablet and poured it all out onto the paper. I ain’t gon lie… it was a lot of shit (remember the stuff I didn’t tell you about?) and while I did not feel instantly better, there was enough of a shift getting it out of my head, out of me. After that, I wrote out the things I needed to do because that day was Saturday, Sept. 1st. You see I decided to fly out of Los Angeles in order to be on the same flight as a friend and writing mentor who was also going to the retreat (her first time). That meant I was driving up to Pasadena for Labor Day and the day after to hang with my grandkids & my Pasadena fam before heading to Hawaii on Wednesday, Sept. 5th. Which also meant packing a bag for L.A. and a suitcase for Hawaii.

Back to the list. It helped tremendously and I got started with everything on it. Saturday was a most productive day and getting into action seemed to be the anecdote to all of my woes. Sunday was a day for packing, teaching yoga and really pulling it all together to hit the road for L.A. I arrived in Pasadena Monday morning of Labor Day for some serious quality time with my Ava and Charlie. I was finally on my way and breathing a sigh of relief. Hawaii was on the horizon in a couple of days and I could enjoy my Pasadena family in those present moments.

I really don’t know why I do that to myself. Or do I? Was it the remnant of my fear of showing up in life? The fear so dysfunctional and deep once upon a time that I literally could not show up for my life or myself? I’d cancel or no-show for moments and events, important and insignificant. Now, instead of no-shows or canceling, I have a tendency to catastrophize or minimize according to whichever will make me feel the shittiest. It’s exhausting and demoralizing, but the difference is I’m able to work my way through it. Sometimes on my own and many times with the help of others… as you’ll find out in Part 2 of my prelude to Hawaii.