Energy and Awareness

I just had an amazing three day weekend which truly refreshed and recharged me. My Miami Heat prevailed in the first round of the NBA Playoffs with a resounding Game 7 win on Sunday and then won Game 1 of the second round on Tuesday! I’m hosting a nacho bar at work for Cinco De Mayo as another 2017 Bali Retreat fundraiser. $5 per bowl of nachos and I’ve got some buzz generated about it. I’m looking forward to having a quiet, non-jam packed Mother’s Day weekend where I can get organized, possibly declutter a little and just plain fucking chill. All positive occurrences or coming events, wouldn’t you say?

Then a few life occurrences and mild anxieties came up. I had to replace all four tires for my car and I got a very reasonable price from my reliable mechanic shop. Even though I’d planned for the expense, I had to get creative because of money I expected that hadn’t come through yet. The mild anxiety concerns the nacho bar at work. It’s a great idea and I’m sure it will raise a nice chunk of money, but I’m nervous about it. I’ve been wanting to call it off all week, a sure sign fear and anxiety. I don’t want to show up. But it’s taken on a life of its own. Too many co-worker friends know about it, are helping with it or expect to buy some from me. I worried about the logistics of where to place two crockpots and several containers of toppings. Or will enough people really pay to help me?

We had a unit meeting right when I arrived at work this morning. There are changes coming as a result of management listening to “focus” groups on how to make our jobs better. All I can say is the solutions offered in this morning’s meeting missed the mark by such a wide margin that couldn’t even look up. I was disappointed and pissed all day. I bitched a little here and there but mostly kept my head down because my supervisor asked that no one be negative about the changes.

Fortunately, Wednesday night is when I talk to my spiritual advisor. Boy did she have some questions for me after I unloaded my day on her! Questions that required I bring myself TO the conversation at hand. How is my 12 step practice? What is spirituality to me? Are you meditating? What is love? She is not shy about asking the deep, tough questions. And she always says, “I could have my head up my ass with these questions”. But she never does. She knows what she is doing. She moves me out of the head space and mood I’d been in all day. By answering her questions and opening up a dialogue about myself and my self-care I was able to shift how I thought of the company I work for. Based on my advisor’s definition of love involving forgiveness, gratitude, and generosity, I understood more clearly. Generosity is not just about giving, it’s about extending the most generous benefit of the doubt to someone or something when they are in your life and they’ve done so much for you. My company is going through some serious growing pains. There are issues that need to be addressed and they are trying. My spiritual advisor is fond of reminding me that everything is energy, science has proven that and nothing is truly solid. She pointed out that we inhabit the energy we bring to any given situation and I had been inhabiting some intensely negative energy today. She was right. But right after I was able to extend the benefit of the doubt to my company and moved out of the energy of my intense disappointment, I was able to release the hurt and sadness underneath.

She gave me the assignment to be aware and present, no matter what for the coming week. After we hung up I unrolled my yoga mat, lit a candle, turned on the Hozier station on my Pandora app and got busy inhabiting the energy of my moving meditation. I’m grateful for awesome teachers in my life like my spiritual advisor, the company I work for and anyone or anything that crosses my path. Let’s see how long I can inhabit this energy.