Gratitude, Growth and Progress

I attended my third Big Island Writers Workshop in Los Angeles this weekend. I also got to spend time with my Pasadena family, which includes my fabulous grandbabies, Ava (4), Charlie (2), my phenomenal daughter-in-love, Mary and her parents. Prior to the weekend, I’d been super busy with my regular life of full-time work, 12 step meetings/service and yoga classes amplified with extra cooking and baking for my 2017  Bali Retreat fundraising. Another friend retired from work on Friday and had a retirement party at a local park that afternoon. I made a crockpot of chili for the party. It was my fourth pot of chili cooked in the past week or so. All of that coupled with last week’s equally super busy weekend had me feeling exhausted, stressed and under the gun with all I needed to do to get ready for my weekend in Los Angeles. Things like pack for the weekend, write my blog for Saturday morning and get some damn sleep so I’d be as sharp as possible for the writers workshop. Oh, I forgot to mention I was also supposed to meet up with a friend for breakfast in L.A. before the writers workshop at 10am, which meant leaving my home before 5am Saturday morning.

I seriously don’t know how these things happen to my life… ha, ha, ha, that is a blatant falsehood! These things, such as writers workshops, a day with family, yoga, fundraising for trips, being part of various communities (work, 12 step, yoga) or meaningful relationships happen because I’ve worked steadily on myself over the years. What exactly does that mean and what does it have to do with what I’m blogging about? I used to be a very negative, dysfunctional and isolative individual, who avoided people and social situations as much as possible, including trips to see family. Deep down, I didn’t want to be the way I was. At first, when I was unaware that I didn’t want to be that way I was ruled by profound insecurity, envy, and resentment. As I became more and more aware of my unhappiness inside and how it radiated outward from me, especially how it affected my children, I sought help. Initially, it was for my parenting skills, then some actual therapy here and there. Finally, I was willing to be directed to seek help with a 12 step solution and that’s where the true work began. My growth has never really stopped, despite feeling quite stuck and depressed over the years because it was happening in God’s Time, rather than my own limited, impatient time. Or because I was fighting or avoiding growth for the next level of my life.

Now it’s all about showing up for this amazing life I continue to choose or be Called to! Skeet’s retirement party, after a week of always stressful, soul-sucking work, cooking and baking even though I may feel like it’s the last place I want to be? I made it after several frustrating attempts to FIND it at this park where I was quite lost. Luckily a friend called me from the party to direct me to exactly where it was (I’d passed it twice, smh). They’d even saved a parking spot for me because they know it doesn’t take much for my frustration to get the best of me. I was so glad I finally made it!

I got to catch up with some friends that no longer work for our company, eat some yummy food, kiss Skeet and just relax before heading home to get ready for the weekend out of town.

None of my packing or blogging or getting to bed at a decent time happened the way I envisioned or needed. But you know what? It got done! The friend I was supposed to meet for breakfast beforehand had something come up, so I was able to sleep in an extra hour or so. I arrived at the writers workshop on time and went deep into my story, which continues to unfold in surprising, poignant and amazing ways! The absolute privilege of being a part of listening to and speaking back other women’s stories is indescribable. Nobody questions my place there, I am included and a part of, without a doubt. Ah, and Pasadena family time is so precious to me! Another beautiful result of work on myself. The existing and growing connections to them is one of the greatest gifts ever!

So much of what used to fuel me in a negative, off-putting way has been tempered, developed or transformed over the years to create healthy meaningful connections to myself and others. Today my life is fueled by gratitude, growth and progress. I am most certainly moving forward with them.