Getting Closer

Once my life was full of bad days with a few good moments. Now it’s full of good days with a few bad moments. I used to say this a lot with such conviction years ago because it was true at the time. It’s even more so today, but the seemingly unending stress and unhappiness with my job plus my fear of the future causes me to forget this essential truth. I used to be a serious fuck up with just about everything in my life. Most of my fucking up took the form of extreme irresponsibility or procrastination on a personal level. I never had a chance to screw up professionally because I was incapable of getting a decent job and any job I did get, I ended up blowing off with inferior work or absenteeism. I also excelled at Expert Level procrastination. I’ve had my gas and electric turned off, in early recovery, while employed because I ignored bills. I never checked my kids homework or made sure it got done. As a consequence, they were poor students and parent-teacher progress conferences were almost always excruciating and embarrassing. The boys were always failing or doing poorly in at least half of their classes. Around the same time, I ignored a rodent problem so bad in our townhouse that eventually the kids called me home from a meeting because they found a huge dead rat underneath our dining room table. I had to remove it myself. That was one of the final straws and became a rallying point for me. I called my owner about the rodent problem, I got better about paying my bills and little by little I became a more responsible parent. I told myself there would be “No More Dead Rat Days”. To this day, it is something I say to get myself  back on track when I feel myself slipping on my responsibilities.

I may still get a little pissy and resentful about unexpected responsibilities that come up like changes in my new tax status as a Single with No Dependents. But the bigger truth is it came about because I’ve shown up consistently and put in a good faith effort to be a productive employee for 9 years. I was headed toward this status anyway with Baby Bub being 20 years old and my income level increasing every year. I’m making more money now than I thought possible given I was on Welfare 17 years ago.

I ran my last car, a 2007 Dodge Caliber into the ground because I was a little too irresponsible with its upkeep. I never got the 30K or 60K mile tune-ups. I didn’t even know they existed. The time between oil changes kept getting longer and longer until something blew in my engine one morning when I was almost to work. It sounded like a bag of hammers under the hood when I pressed the gas pedal to get the last two miles to my work parking lot. Most of you who read my blog know this backstory. I had already been cleaning up my credit and saving for a down payment, but I wasn’t quite ready. Or so I thought. But I ended up getting a decent deal on a rental car until I found an even better deal on a brand new 2014 Mazda 3. I didn’t need to use all of my savings for the down payment, I got the finance rate I wanted (1.9%) and the monthly payment I needed. I’ve been conscientious, if not diligent about this car’s upkeep. The oil changes are on time and I’ve had the 30k mile tune-up with a local mechanic I trust. I’m due for another tune-up and new tires so I made an appointment to take my car in on my next payday.

It feels good to be a responsible, productive member of society who is of service to her community. But the icing on the cake? The cherry on top? I am loved and connected beyond my wildest dreams to wonderfully amazing souls that are family and friends. In the grand scheme of things, my life IS full of good days with a few bad moments. Each day that I make the responsible choice, the good choice and the right choice brings me closer to who my Higher Power calls me to be. And the days when I’m not so responsible? I learn and I grow from that, in order to make better choices. Which still brings me closer to who I am supposed to be. How about that?