Winter Revisited

“See the pine trees and learn their lesson,” a friend once said. “Pine trees are nature’s reminder that growth continues even in the winter”

A month ago I wrote what I wanted to accomplish for 2016 in http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/12/12/attention-and-intention/. I was excited. I had a plan and I was making goals to get them accomplished. Sure some doubt and insecurity crept in, but I didn’t let that deter me for long. Ah, but then at the end of December my yoga studio, the one I plan to go through 200Hour Yoga Teacher Training with, announced on their website that their 200Hour YTT would not start until May of this year. I was under the impression the certification program would start shortly after the first of the year. I was deeply upset and disappointed about this because I had a timeline in mind for my goals this year. I had hoped to be certified by the summer so I could begin gaining experience teaching classes. This would also hopefully help me earn money to add to my savings for Bali 300Hour YTT advanced certification at the end of the year. It’s also well established how unhappy and stressed out my current job makes me, so again, I was looking forward to immersing myself in 200Hour YTT at the beginning of the year to help deal with that. My friends and family wouldn’t let me wallow too much about this change to my plans. Plus I had Jen Pastiloff’s New Year’s Retreat in Ojai to focus on getting to and through!

Most of you who follow my blog know the Ojai Yoga Manifestation Retreat was the real deal and pure magic. I came home feeling amazing about myself and my future. I not only discovered what I am manifesting for 2016, I uncovered what I need to let go of to be open and allowing. I need to release old stories/tapes about myself, the old “I am’s or I’m not’s”, limitation, self-doubt, self-sabotage, stinking thinking, isolation, old reactions to fear and to doubt. The great thing about this is I’d already been working on releasing many of them.

However, the final writing prompt on the last day of the retreat has resonated the most with me. Jen told us to think of one or two words to name what was blocking us from manifesting the life we envision. Then the prompt was “And here’s what the fuck I’m going to do about it”. After she gave us time write out our list, she called on several people. They had to stand up and say, “The thing blocking me is my insecurity and here’s what the fuck I’m going to do about it”:

• yoga, yoga, yoga
• surrounding myself with positive energy friends
• write it out
• regular prayer and meditation
• be a human thank you
• be of service
• do a mini inventory
• ask “is this an old story?”
• get connected to nature regularly: hiking, walking
• read new genres, inspiring books and materials
• feel the insecurity and DO IT ANYWAY!

Here’s the thing about that list and my life since I wrote it. The first one on it? Yoga has been front and center since. At the retreat, I was introduced to vinyasa flow yoga (I felt a little rudely, but hey… I managed). It is quite different and an adjustment from the yin style I’d been doing since the summer. When I returned home the day after the retreat I found out my home yoga studio, Bright Yoga was doing  31 days of yoga in January challenge. I decided to participate and while I managed to practice yoga every day so far, it became evident to me that I just may not have been prepared to begin a 200Hour YTT as I’d originally planned. I came to a better understanding and acceptance about preparing myself for this certification.

Tonight I finally got to talk to my spiritual advisor, whom I had not contacted since before I went on the Ojai Retreat. I got to tell her all about the experience and what I learned about myself. She asked some probing questions which helped us discuss things in more depth. I came to a new understanding of what Jen’s Manifestation Retreat has done for me. It’s helped to strip away barriers and limiting beliefs. A case in point, I’ve now attended TWO sunrise yoga classes during this 31-day yoga challenge, not giving into my old story of “I’m not” a morning person. I’ve reached out to someone close to me since the retreat to express how much their love and friendship means to me, releasing the fear that giving voice to that would somehow doom it from growing stronger. Have I mentioned how amazing my yoga teachers and fellow yoginis at Bright Studio are so positive, kind and encouraging? I also seemed to have overlooked that besides becoming certified to teach yoga, another main goal was to start writing professionally, beyond this blog. And so, I am open to allowing, this time, this Winter, to continue developing my writing. I’m scheduled to attend a writer’s workshop on the 22nd of this month!

Once again, it feels that my Higher Power, whom I choose to acknowledge is God, and the Universe are calling me to slow down on my plans. I am being called to revisit the things I’ve learned about myself, to strip myself bare of what’s no longer necessary, to expand and grow with what comes available. I am being called to prepare for what’s coming in the Spring and Summer. As most of you know, I’ve committed to answering His call. There is trust and peace that comes with that.