There’s Always That One Thing

Why do we let the one disappointing thing spoil how we feel about ourselves?

Despite going into a ridiculously full weekend with major sleep deprivation, I managed to accomplish and get through nearly all I had planned. I mentioned before that I am celebrating 19 years in sobriety this week and I was scheduled to have three sobriety tokens presented to me at three separate meetings on Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning. I had also previously signed up for an Essential Oils Workshop Saturday afternoon at my yoga studio from 1:00-3:30. All that in addition to my normal Saturday morning Yin Yoga class and getting laundry done.

Having sobriety tokens presented to me was a very moving and humbling experience. I stood up in front of the meeting with a friend, who presented me with a token and said incredibly meaningful things about me and my sobriety. Then I, the token recipient gave a little speech as well. But before all that, there’s a birthday cake with lit candles presented as a round of “Happy Birthday” is sung by the group! Friday night, my best friend, Sarah, presented me with a homemade token she made out of wood and painted in the colors of my favorite team, The Miami Heat. It’s beautiful and the first homemade token anyone has ever made for me. Saturday night, my girl Dawny presented me with a birthday cheesecake from Costco with “I AM EMPATHY” written on it and a bag of Chicago Mix popcorn with a huge red velvet bow tied around it! Sunday morning my Sally girl baked me a yellow cake with chocolate icing (delicious!) and my dear friend Maureen presented me with a 19-year token that belonged to her man, another dear, dear friend in this program because “we keep what we have by giving it away”.

The Essential Oils Workshop on Saturday afternoon was awesome. I learned about essential oils and made 4 different items from them with simple organic household items! I made a lemon-peppermint body scrub, lavender-frankincense bath salts, lemon yoga mat cleaner and blue lotus body butter. The facilitator, Joy, even included decorating supplies so we could give some as gifts. It was a really fun and interesting way to pass a Saturday afternoon. I’m thinking of either buying my own supplies to make gifts for Christmas or take her next workshop on December 12th! It was another busy weekend full of amazing events and my normal weekend routines.

What was the one disappointing thing? Early Sunday afternoon Baby Bub asked me to borrow one of my suitcases and I told her she could of course. I already knew she wasn’t going to spend Thanksgiving with me because I texted her last week about it and she replied she had her own plans. I hadn’t expected her to want to spend Thanksgiving in Pasadena with me so that was no surprise. I sat on the couch watching HGTV, snacking on something while she chattered away about a whole lot of nothing. She hated packing. She couldn’t find her deodorant. Maybe she should use my bigger suitcase. I’m not sure what finally broke through my reverie. Oh, that’s right! She mentioned she was packing for two trips. I finally asked a question about it and her answer was that she was going to Arizona on Tuesday. I asked if that was where she was spending Thanksgiving and she said, ” yes, but I’m going to Magic Mountain today and tomorrow, then Arizona on Tuesday.” I just looked at her like she’d sprouted a second head out the side of her fucking neck… Seriously. She was going to Magic Mountain with the church then on to Arizona. I asked her when she’d get back from Arizona and she said probably next Sunday. Here’s the kicker… I asked when she was leaving and she said her ride would get there at 1:00. It was 12:15 when she told me that. I kind of lost it then but tried to keep it as humorous and light as possible. WHEN was she going to tell me this? She thought she’d already told me. She was sorry, she thought she’d told me. I have to say, I tried to pull it together and accept it gracefully. I tried, but the fact that she was actually nice to me and kept trying to engage me in conversation kinda tipped me off to the fact that I wasn’t being graceful or accepting. I mean she’s 20 years old. She’s a GOOD girl, like a seriously church-going, youth leader, hard working, giving, charitable girl. I gave a concerted effort at allowing myself to be engaged in her conversation because it is not her job to make me feel better about my issues. She left a very short time later and I was alone. At home. Until next Sunday. I felt hurt, sad, and abandoned. For a time. I just wonder, why do my connections with everyone in my life seem so meaningful except when it comes to my children?

Then I texted my two closest friends to tell them what had just happened before going down for a nap as they both have adult children and are either going through something similar or coming out the other side. Dawny sent me a few texts asking if I was ok. Sarah called me to commiserate and tell me everything I already knew. She’s 20 and young adult children are often carelessly cavalier and thoughtless about these things. She’s a good girl. I woke up from my nap and settled down for an evening of watching ‘Madam Secretary’, eating  bowls of Chicago Mix popcorn and blogging about it when the tv show is over. The next day, today, I remembered how much I enjoy spending time with myself and how hard I worked at that particular endeavor! I also get to spend Thanksgiving with my awesome Pasadena family on my timetable!