Social Anxiety and Ornament Insecurity

There is a meme going around Facebook that says something about thanking God the internet wasn’t around in our twenties. It is obviously for those of us who are 40 or older and implies that none of our embarrassing moments are caught on the web in perpetuity. I always smile at that and say a silent prayer of gratitude that it’s true for me because I’ve done some seriously stupid, foolish and fucked up shit in my youth. Shit, I would NOT want to float around on the internet. Why bring this up in my blog? Because a really good friend of over 20 years posted some pictures on Facebook, TAGGING me with the question, “Do you remember this day Tammi —–?” I’ve embedded the picture into the blog so you can see it. It looks innocuous enough right? Some ladies clearly having some sort of outdoor party. The hats and gloves might give away that it was a ladies tea. I don’t remember exactly how long ago this was, but it is at least 15 years ago. I’m not doing anything stupid, foolish or fucked up in this picture-BUT I had a visceral reaction just the same. I sent her a private message on Facebook in response to the picture because I didn’t want any comment on the post to bring any more attention to it other than being tagged in it. I told her I hated that day and definitely  was unhappy because I did not want to take those pictures. You can barely see me, but I hated how I looked and felt like a fat frump. I was profoundly insecure about myself back then. The tea was hosted by two of my friends and I wouldn’t even have shown up if I hadn’t brought my friend Lisa with me. She is the one who posted the picture and she didn’t remember any of the other women because they were friends of mine. The tea required a hat, gloves and a dress. I had a horrible time trying to find something I felt comfortable in. Since I hated myself, I didn’t find anything I liked. I hated that dress and that hat, which is called a cloche. To this day, I refuse to wear that type of hat because I don’t think it’s flattering on me. The tea party itself wasn’t bad at all. We had mini sandwiches and were given a personalized antique tea cup with a saucer as party gifts. We played some guessing games too so that part was fun. But what stands out in my memory was how desperately unhappy I was with my looks, at least, that’s what I focused on at the time.

Now let’s fast forward to present day when I had an office ornament exchange party to go to. There is a $10 limit and we use the standard white elephant gift format of choosing & stealing ornaments. It’s actually a lot of fun and I’ve participated for the last four or five years. However, there had been some catty remarks about the quality of some of the ornaments in past years and this stuck in my mind and heart for some reason. I was actually feeling insecure about picking out an ornament. I told my friends I didn’t want to go to the party because I had “ornament insecurity”. I really used those words together. They laughed at me, but I went on to explain how catty and snotty some people were about ornaments in the past. I didn’t even officially RSVP, but my friend Karina, who was throwing it said she was RSVP’ing for me so I had no choice. I found what I believed to be a cute combination of items all under $10 at Michael’s craft store. I found an adorable circular wooden basket painted red with a black Santa’s belt around it’s middle and white fur lining the rim of it. Then I found a four pack of really cute cupcake shaped ornaments which I placed in the Santa basket, but I was still feeling insecure. I went to the party today, which was in the breakroom at lunch time. My ornament ensemble was well received by the person that chose it and I was happy with the one I ended up stealing because I was #26 and got to pick last. Oh, and there was talk about one chintzy little item someone tried passing off as an ornament, but there was nothing to hang it by and it was tiny. What are you going to do? We’re all human and even my friend that ended up with it admitted she considered herself the only “loser” of the ornament exchange.

Social anxiety and insecurity are things I’ve struggled with since I got sober 19 years ago and long before that as well if I’m being honest, which I always am here. Looking back at the tea party I understand now that I was profoundly unhappy with who I was inside, but wasn’t willing to acknowledge that, so I fixated on my outward appearance. After a lot of relationship building with God, personal growth work, sobriety, therapy and the love of great friends, today I’m happy with who I am inside. More importantly, I’m happy with where I’m headed with my life. Ah, but apparently that does not make me immune to insecurity about social events. So much so that I focus on ‘ornament insecurity’ rather than the fact that I still get the jitters before things like office parties. The saving grace for me is I’ve always been BLESSED with friends who have either held my hand to attend ladies tea parties, accompanied me on trips to Disneyland and La Bufadora, Baja Mexico, or friends who kick me in the pants and RSVP for me, insisting that I show up and be a part of things. We really do get by with a little help from our friends.