Random Happenings, Thoughts and Occurrences In The Life

My company, the one I’m not very happy with, hired massage therapists to come into our office to provide 10-minute chair massages. The first round was last week and I refused to sign up. I had good reasons too. A 10-minute chair massage at work is a tease, especially since I’d have to come back to my extremely stressful desk afterwards. I have a phenomenal massage therapist that gives full body massages for an hour in a beautiful, peaceful space. An hour is worth taking the time, in my opinion. Not 10 minutes in the corner of an office building somewhere. However, many of my co-worker friends around me got massages and they were very happy with them. Human Resources sent out another e-mail Monday announcing the therapists were back again this week, for those that did not get a chance to sign up. The sign-up sheets were in the lobby as we come and go, but I stubbornly refused to participate again. (You know where this is going right?) Everybody kept talking about the massages and encouraging me to sign up. The idea was growing on me and of course, when I was willing to be honest, I just didn’t want to give my company a chance to do something nice for me and make me feel better. So I took a ride down to the lobby late this afternoon to see what spots were left. There three spots left at 4:30, 4:40, and 4:50. I get off work at 4:30 and it suddenly struck me that I could get a 10-minute chair massage AFTER I clock out and go HOME instead of back to my desk! They said the massage therapist really hit some good spots and I need some of my spots hit badly… IT. WAS. FABULOUS. Real shit fabulous. There was soft music playing, the chair was very comfortable, with places to rest my knees and arms. They were right, the therapist had really good hands and fingers, hitting my spots for sure! Oh man, I went right down to the lobby afterwards and signed up for 2 more massages tomorrow at 4:50 and Friday at 4:40!

While driving home feeling relaxed, listening to Corrinne Bailey Ray, I thought about how stubborn I’d been to resist and deny something offered to make me feel good. I started to wonder what other opportunities and blessings I missed out on because I’d been unwilling to let go of resentments, old ideas or fears. Then I recalled on our weekly Monday evening call that my spiritual advisor recommended I “allow” and “not hold on” to things in my life. Hmmm, its seems her words and suggestions have taken root.

This weekend I found out, quite randomly and out of the blue, the exact circumstances of my father’s last moments when he died. I know he died 17 years ago on September 22, 1998, in Johns Hopkins Medical Center because of complications from a kidney transplant. He had had a kidney transplant probably about a month earlier at Johns Hopkins and it was a success. He was released from the hospital, back home and I think he had even gone back to work. Then a few weeks later he went back into the hospital because of complications. No one knew his body was rejecting the kidney at first. I even talked to him the first day he was back in the hospital. He was in good spirits, we had our usual love banter about nothing and I told him I loved him. I was at work, having just started a new job, and I had no clue it would be the last time I talked to him. His health went south quick.

This weekend I got a call from my Aunt Patty, my dad’s youngest sister. She had been diagnosed with stage4 lung cancer recently as I mentioned in one of my earlier blog posts. Aunt Patty is quite chatty and it felt good to listen to her fill me in on how she was doing, how she was dealing and how the family was dealing. Just hearing her East Coast-tinged accent gave me a warm feeling, I was reconnecting with some of the most important parts of my childhood and past just talking to Patty. Even with the subject matter, Patty’s sparkling, snappy personality and outlook on life was intact. I was smiling and just enjoying my Sunday afternoon with “home” when she started to tell me about some paperwork her oncologist gave her about end of life care. In essence, a “DNR” as in do not resuscitate or use extraordinary measures such as life support at the end of her life. She wasn’t sure what she should do and she mentioned that she wanted her daughter, Sonya and her adult grandchildren to all agree unanimously what to do in that case. Suddenly as an example she said, “You know Tam, when the doctors called us down from Harrisburg to Johns Hopkins the night Billy died, they had all of the family in a conference room. They told us Billy’s kidney was completely rejected, he was in renal failure and he wasn’t coming back. They told us that our decision to remove him from Life Support had to be unanimous. Well, I knew I couldn’t do it, so I got up and left the room. I went straight to Billy and climbed into the bed with him. I just laid there with him and the others came in after a while to say their goodbyes and kiss him. They took him off Life Support and I was holding him as he took his last breath.” I really don’t remember much of what she said for the next few minutes because I was crying from the emotional punch to my solar plexus I’d just received. Eventually, I pulled myself together and tuned back into what Patty was saying. She talked for another 40 minutes or so. We said our goodbyes and I love yous. Patty is doing well with chemotherapy for now. Me, I’m still dealing with  the emotional aftermath of the revelation of Daddy’s last moments even now.

Since we seem to be looking steadily backwards in time “in the life”, I want to go back to Friday night. I got to see my grandbabies and my daughter-in-love Mary! There were in town for the weekend at the last minute (YAAY!) so Mae-Mae (that’s my grandmom name) got to be with her hearts. Ava is 3 1/2 and Charlie is 20 months. I call it Mae-Mae time. We walked to a local restaurant in Old Town, then walked around to the shops, taking pictures. It was the greatest balm after a week of work! I’m going to see them again in two weeks and I’ve been invited up for Thanksgiving again this year. Despite the random happenings, thoughts, and occurrences over the past few days, it’s the euphoria from their visit that sustains me the most. Yet  I remain fortunate to be fully present for love, grief and growth.