On Balance I’m Actually Good

I’m sitting here in my writing space feeling physically tired and achy, while spiritually, emotionally and mentally I’m pretty good. But six hours ago when I had just gotten off work, I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally discouraged to the point of tears as well as physically tired. It’s draining to be in an environment that no longer values you as an employee and no matter how hard you work it doesn’t seem to make a dent in the workload. When I stopped into the bathroom, as is my habit before hitting the road with my hour long commute, I literally burst into tears. Thank God the restroom was empty. Folks clear out of there pretty quick on Fridays. And I’m going back tomorrow on Saturday to work four hours of overtime.

It’s been a long two weeks of being sick, thinking THREE times I was getting better, yet becoming sicker again and it’s taking a toll. I’ve had to miss some 12 step meetings and yoga classes, all the while resting on my couch at home, watching tv. The NBA season started this week . I’m an avid Miami Heat fan in particular and an NBA fan in general. I’m also still willing to watch a handful of shows now that the Fall season is upon us. So even though I’ve stayed home because I was sick, the watching of so much television, be it sports or tv shows, feels like I’m avoiding my life again. You know, like back when I was either always on the couch vegging in front of the television or escaping into a romance novel. Maybe I am a little, it certainly feels like it. But I know I can’t always trust my feelings, especially when I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Just what, you may ask, turned things around for me in the space of six hours? I believe I mentioned in my blogs previously that I belong to an Events committee for a community recovery club and we were putting on a Halloween Dance tonight (Friday). I had to go help with the dance after work. I didn’t feel like I could bail on the committee because there are three of  us, including me, and I had already missed out on all the shopping for games, prizes, food, etc because I was sick last weekend. Also, since I worked full-time over an hour away, the others ended up doing pretty much all the setup and decorating, with help from some of the board members. 

The answer to the question in the previous paragraph is I showed up to be of service to my fellows even though I didn’t feel like it. Even though I had not dressed up in the French Maid costume that will just have to wait for next year. I arrived about a half hour before everything started and got to help finish setting up. I also got to be with people that will let me be me in whatever way I’m capable of showing up. It was kind of rough for the first hour or so, but it was also cool seeing so many friends show up with their kids in costume. The committee did a truly phenomenal job setting up a dance room with a DJ as well. I helped at the door collecting money and stamping hands. I ate yummy food. Then the dancing started in earnest and I got out there for a lot of songs! I love dancing. I especially love dancing with friends! I also love sitting and talking with people I don’t always get to see regularly because we don’t all go to the same 12 step meetings. Honestly, by the time I finished the Electric Slide though I was D.O.N.E. So I sat for a bit, then I helped with clean up until it was time for me to go home because I still needed to write my blog.

This is why on balance I’m actually good and so is my life. My feeling drained and discouraged is temporary. Sure I have to go back to work tomorrow for overtime and start the new work week again on Monday. But I feel well enough to get back to my yoga class tomorrow morning and my Saturday night AA meeting. I have a half a vacation day next Friday because Dawny and I are going to Vegas for the weekend for her birthday! ROAD TRIP BABY!!! And while I think and feel like I’m avoiding my life, the truth is that I’m still living up to my commitment to be fully present for it. It’s because I’m fully present that I can see and feel how much it sucks at work, which is a huge chunk of my time right now. However, I’ve also committed to changing that. I won’t always be here and I know where I am headed. That’s half the battle right there. And I don’t have to win the war tomorrow.