Inevitable Consequences and Unexpected Gifts Of Growth

I am discovering that not everyone who starts out on your journey will end it with you. Not all of those you were thick as thieves with can remain so. Somethings or some places which were instrumental to your professional development and advancement don’t always stay that way. As I continue my journey of personal, ie spiritual/emotional/mental growth and become more present for my life I am more aware of how true those previous three statements are. By the same token, there were friends in my life that seemed to stay just outside the reach of where I hoped and wanted the closeness and intimacy of those friendships to go. Since I’ve started doing things I’ve never done, like blogging, yoga classes and entering essay contests, I’ve opened up a whole world within myself and without.

There were friends I spent the majority of my time with once upon a time who I truly related to and believed would always be in my corner and in my life. It has not been easy living through losing or distancing myself from those I was once so very close to. One friend I lost through a miscommunication about an endeavor we were supposed to take on together which lead to a realization that the entire basis for our relationship had been misunderstood. By the time we both were clear about our respective positions on the friendship and our miscommunicated endeavor, it became apparent to me that I had lost a friend. I made sincere apologies for my part in our misunderstanding because I had handled it badly. Then I set a clear boundary that the friendship had to end. There has been no communication since and I don’t expect there to be. I worked through the hurt, grief, guilt and angst with my therapist, my spiritual advisor, and one trusted friend. Other friends that I was thick as thieves with? Some of their comments, observations, or indifference about the changes I have made and continue to make in my life have been unhelpful or negative to the point that it is clear we are not on the same page. The cool part about that is I haven’t taken offense about it because they’re opinions and outlook are based on how they live their life. They are not personally or deliberately trying to discourage or frighten me, they honestly love me and always will. They are just focused on how they see the world and by extension how they see me in it. I’m grateful that I can love and appreciate those in my life where they are. While they are still a part of my life, they are no longer privy to my innermost thoughts and dreams or as much of my time. I can’t afford to have close, regular proximity with that kind of energy, even though they are clearly coming from a place of friendship and concern for me. 

There was the job with a company I believed I would retire from in approximately 20 years, thinking I wouldn’t really need to plan the next phase of my life for at least another 10 years or so. Except a shift in corporate culture, quite a drastic one, has forced me to go through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil over the last 2-1/2 years. It has truly become a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical drain for nearly every single friend and co-worker across all departments. I’ve worked there for over eight years so I have a lot of friends and co-workers. It’s so disheartening. Yet, if this was not happening I may not have been pushed to this journey I find myself on. The journey home to my true authentic self. I’m convinced she lives in my heart of hearts. So the struggle is going to work everyday, to do the very best I am capable of, regardless of the environment, because it is what the company deserves while I am in their employ and to balance that with the energy I need  for my journey that will eventually lead me away from there.

Ah, but the unexpected gifts from the mental, emotional and spiritual shifts due to my personal growth have been absolutely epic of late! Those people and friends that used to be on the periphery of my life? They are now front and center or solidly in my corner. It seems I instinctively turned to them as I was going through some of the “growing pains” of shifting friendships. The yoga practice, which I do think of it as a practice these days, has done so much for my inner equilibrium. The studio is one more safe place that still challenges and teaches me at the same time. Before, only my therapy appointments and my 12 step meetings did that for me. As I move ever outward into the world and inward through my blogging/writing, either the world meets me with incredible support and opportunities, or I continue to meet more and more of she who lives in my heart of hearts. Both the consequences and  the gifts are worth it.