Archive | February 2017

All Roads Lead To Growth

Today was the last day in my department and in my current position. I’d been there almost exactly five years. This was a move that puzzled most of the management team in my current department. It seems my work there is pretty well regarded, which was flattering to know, but this is definitely the right thing for me. I’d started to feel, not doubtful, but vaguely regretful that I was leaving. Most of that stemmed from how close I’d grown to my co-workers and my fellow peers there. There were also some parts of the job I truly enjoyed and felt I was good at. This week I got a chance to do a lot more of that, instead of being bombarded and overwhelmed with an unwieldy workload because they took a lot of my files away in preparation for the new person taking over my desk. So there were definitely thoughts of wishing I could stay. Until some of the other factors started kicking in. Namely my supervisor, who is the sort of person who second-guesses nearly everything she does and everyone else who works under her. The more stressed she is about change, and my leaving was a huge change for her, the worse she gets and Thursday was a day that truly surpassed her neurosis, thereby killing any vague wishes I had of staying.

So many things became clear to me about the big picture of “why” it was so important to go move on from this job. Thursday’s last straw brought home to me, how little she’s ever trusted me. It’s not even personal, which doesn’t make the situation less frustrating. She literally cannot help herself, she is that way with most of us that work for her. What I finally understood was how much I was looking forward to going back to work for someone who knew I was capable and trusted my judgment, my decisions, and my work product! There are no doubts about doing this for myself realizing that.

I grew a lot in that position despite some of the issues surrounding my immediate supervisor and the overburdened, multi-tasking nature of the job. The most important growth has been of a personal and spiritual nature. That, in turn, helped me take an even deeper personal responsibility for myself and my path. Moving on, or back to where I started working at my company, is about trusting myself, my judgment, and my decisions for myself. I was responsible for the feelings of misery, inadequacy, and incompetence. It never meant I actually was those things. The lesson was in understanding I was there to live through and work out this part of my journey. Interestingly, or not so interestingly, my current job involved a great deal of investigation, evaluation, negotiation, and resolution. I guess all roads do lead to growth. Hmm, howbow dah?

 

Working Towards Grace

Completing last week’s blog renewed my commitment to myself and my faith in this writing space. The longer I went without writing, the more I began to doubt I was capable of it, even after reducing the number of posts to once a week. Of course, I’ve also been insanely busy, distracted and affected by a number of things. As most of you know, I did not take November 8, 2016, well at all. AT ALL.

Truth be told I’ve been reeling from it on so many levels that I struggled greatly initially but it’s finally tempered into something akin to resigned acceptance. Something akin but not exactly acceptance. Still, it rests easier in my heart and helps me breathe a little easier. I hated feeling so angry, hurt, sickened, disappointed and disparate towards friends or people in my life that I really cared about before the election. There has been a level of trust, innocence, and safety lost in all of this towards America in general and many, many in my life specifically. In a bid at self-preservation, I started eating a lot of junk food and binge-watching The West Wing (I’m down to the final season, episode 16, I think). Comfort food for body and spirit. I took a vindictive pleasure in reading scathingly hilarious things against our newly elected President and I referred to him by two extremely derogatory names in particular: Cheeto-In-Chief and Tang Tyrant. Mustard Mussolini and Cheeto Satan get honorable mention as well.

I attended to a couple of community meetings about the situation and I even made a poster for the Women’s March which was derogatory in nature. I ended up not going to the Women’s March or doing much of anything that weekend. I was scheduled for outpatient surgery the following Thursday and I  couldn’t bring myself to do the March on Saturday, drive up to Los Angeles for something else I had scheduled on Sunday, then turn around to begin the work week. Getting back to the derogatory poster, there were lots of laughs and congratulations on thinking up something so snarky. But a part of me felt uncomfortable with it after seeing other people’s slogans written about real injustice issues. I found myself laughing less and less at the scathing things posted on Facebook and elsewhere about him and those who voted for him.

His first week in office was utterly disheartening and downright frightening at one point. I wasn’t one of those so distracted by the Immigration ban that I overlooked the terrifying information that the director of National Intelligence AND the Joint Chiefs-of-Staff were removed from the National Security Council. Or that they were replaced with Steve Bannon. I was sitting in my car just having gotten back from the grocery store and my head started reeling as my stomach sank when I saw that. I could feel myself starting to slip somewhere horrible emotionally so I began deep, yogic breathing while I kept scrolling. That’s when I found a blog written by Savanna Hartman called a Presidential Pardon. Here is the link: http://bit.ly/2keAhFO. This touched a place in my heart that I needed to connect with. It’s a long read, but it took some much-needed wind OUT of my judgmental sails and brought me closer to the humility and acceptance I will need to get through these days. Although I’m not ready to refer to him by his name with his title, I no longer feel right referring to him with derogatory names. It’s a start.

I began to wonder how we are ever going to come together after all of this because the divide is vast and the chasm feels bottomless. More importantly, I started to realize if we are to truly stop and defeat what is happening in our government and with our country, we will need the ones who voted for him or voted third party. We need each other. At some point they may experience a change of heart, some already have I’m sure. But how can we expect them to come to us if we are too stuck in anger, arrogance, and blame that we want to rub their noses in it? We have to get past that in order to create a space to begin to come together to listen, understand, and connect with one another. I’m certainly not there, but I’m at least making my way towards humility and acceptance with the fervent hope it will lead to Grace. I didn’t vote for him but he is my President.

I will still resist, but my focus will be on protesting the issues and injustices. I’m convinced my commitment to heart-centered living is working its way in me. I continue to answer His Call, sometimes it takes me a while. I’m phenomenally human that way.