Archive | November 2016

Sucking It Up With Grace & Gratitude

For a little context and in case you didn’t catch my blog post last week, I started this piece over two weeks ago. Back then the title was about the intense resentment and disappointment I felt with myself for graduating from yoga teacher training while remaining an uncertified Yoga Alliance registered teacher. That’s because I still have certification requirements to complete and a $725.00 tuition balance to pay off. I was trying to work my way through a pissy and negative state of mind about THAT when the election happened. Suddenly, sucking it up with grace and gratitude took on a whole new meaning and became what felt like an impossible fucking task.sol-1381860__340

I was devastated, livid, sick, and incredulous. I was profoundly hurt and disappointed in my country, in those who didn’t bother to vote and in particular with those who voted for a third party candidate. Something that still sticks in my craw because no matter how anyone tries to justify, explain or validate that action, the result and consequence of said action handed our country over to a reality star and questionable business man-child. Now we will have a Goddamned Cheeto-in-Chief in the White House. In the days following the election, I watched the uptick in racially motivated violence with despair. I read in horror about the stories of young girls and women being assaulted by young white males who now think it’s ok to grab a female’s pussy because our future Cheeto-in-Chief bragged about it and no one seemed to care. This country and many, many people who are part of my life said with their vote that racism, misogyny, xenophobia and bullying is what they prefer. That shit ain’t Politics folks, that’s personal. And now it’s become THE national agenda against people of color, immigrants, Muslims, LBGTQ, and women.sad-505857__340

Election night I was crying in bed, furious at so many people in my life and at this country.   I was miserably contemplating how the hell I was going to deal with people who had deeply disappointed me. Then a funny thing happened. A brand new Hillary-supportive Facebook friend sent me a private message to thank me for accepting her friend request. She’d seen a post of mine in a private Facebook group and she had just moved to my area with her wife. We commiserated over the election results and I told her I had a lot of friends who are avid supporters of the Cheeto. I joked I was grateful California legalized marijuana because I thought 19-1/2 years of sobriety was enough since I’d need some mary jane to deal with a Cheeto Presidency. (for the record, I wasn’t sure I was kidding) That’s when she typed that it was funny I mentioned AA because she was really active in Alanon! I didn’t think it was possible but I actually laughed out loud as my head ached from crying. You see, this is how my Higher Power works in my life. When I’m thinking about using drugs and jettisoning friends, God places an Alanon person in my life to show me: 1) I don’t need to use or drink over this and 2) even if I lose some people from my life, there will be new people to add to it. It turns out my new friend likes yoga and hiking so we have tentative future plans to one day grab some tea/coffee and go hiking!

It was rough for several days, then I developed a disturbing new symptom along with existing symptoms that showed up more frequently which caused me to miss two days of work and to go see my Rheumatologist, who oversees my Lupus treatment and diagnosis. Let’s review then, I graduated from the yoga teacher training program but still have attendance requirements and a financial balance to pay off before becoming a certified registered yoga teacher, my country elected a reality television star President, I have a number of medical and health issues that currently has me treating with three different types of doctors, OH… I somehow developed a severe case of sciatica in the past week that is truly excruciating and I was expected to celebrate 20 years of sobriety this week. All the while showing up to my full-time, cluster-fuck of a multi-tasking job, my yoga attendance requirements, and my 12 step meetings.

halm-1633744__340Let’s get to the grace and gratitude aspect of sucking it up, shall we? I may not be a certified, registered yoga teacher yet, BUT, my ass made it through the training program without missing any classes or assignments while working full-time. I am qualified to teach community classes for free through my yoga studio until I am certified, at which time I will be paid for teaching. My amazing best friend, Dawny, came up with a fabulous fundraiser that brought me $521.10, so my yoga school balance is down to a manageable $200 and I am chipping away at certification requirements. Yes, my Lupus and other medical issues are cropping up. For now, I am employed with good health insurance to help me treat and resolve what ails me. I showed up to a meeting and celebrated 20 years of sobriety last night.

As for the election and the call to “unite” and “come together” as a nation, sucking it up with grace and gratitude may not look like you think because I’m not uniting with hate, racism, misogyny, xenophobia or coming together with a Cheeto-in-Chief. I aim to speak up, protest, march and donate time, energy and money to organizations and causes that will help us deal with what is to come. I aim to misbehave. This is me with time to breathe, reflect and process some of this. I’ve made peace with people’s choices and I haven’t lost any real friends so far.

 

This entry was posted on November 19, 2016. 2 Comments

A Little Creative Writing Share

journal-1414116__180I thought I’d share one of my creative writing pieces from the Big Island Writers Workshop I attended last month since I’m not ready to write about what’s on my mind or in my heart at the present moment. I’m still marinating, processing and healing. Shit, I’m still just too raw. However, I was getting ready to type this particular piece in a word document because I read it to my kick-ass therapist and she asked me for a copy, which surprised me. I actually surprised myself when I wrote it. The general format for the workshop is we are given a series of prompts, usually 20+ phrases, words, and sentences from which we choose to write. We are given a set amount of time to go off somewhere on the premises to see what “stories” develop from the writing on our chosen prompts. Oh, and it is always handwritten. We come together afterward and read them out loud to the circle.  This piece was the last writing of the day and I was trying something a little out of my comfort zone.

Prompts are in bold and were given by Beth Bornstein Dunnington. The inspiration to try this particular style of writing from the chosen prompts is from Joanna Lipari. The courage and willingness to write come from God and the sacred circles of The Big Island Writers Workshops. Love and blessings to my fellow attendees.model-1428081__180

STEPPING STRAIGHT INTO MY POWER

Stepping straight into my power, hopefully, I light the way for others to find a path to their own power

Stepping straight into my power, I lie to Ego, Fear, and Complacency. Assuring them they’ll be fine, we’ll be fine- but we won’t. Being in your power can be scary, uncomfortable and different. We’re gonna get ta steppin’ anyway!

Stepping straight into my power, I love how alive and connected I feel to myself and everything.

Stepping straight into my power, I lament that my comfort zone keeps shrinking, that my path gets clearer, that the road gets narrower and leaves me less places to hide.

Stepping straight into my power, I lose people, places and things that once gave me comfort, caring, and safety because they no longer serve who I am today and who I am becoming.

Stepping straight into my power, I lower expectations of myself and others, allowing the gift of acceptance and compassion to replace disappointment and frustration.

Stepping straight into my power, I loosen my sphincter, open my heart, become willing in my mind & body to experience new things, to embrace expanding paradigms so I will live a larger life.

Stepping straight into my power, I lick the lipstick from my teeth and smile bright & pretty for the camera as there once was a time when I refused to take pictures, not wanting anyone to see me.

Stepping straight into my power, I leave behind the callous, selfish, ignorant aspects of my personality because they’ve been replaced with caring, empathy, and open-minded tolerance.

And finally, I linger occasionally to take stock, acknowledge how far I’ve come and to renew my faith and trust in the process of Stepping Straight Into My Power.

I’ve been re-reading a few of my old blogs and my writings from workshops past. It’s been a good exercise for me as it reminds me of who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. I’ve been reluctant to start writing and posting regular blog posts, even though I graduated from yoga teacher training two weeks ago (Yay and mini happy dance!). Part of the reason is because I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing so much. Another part is that I have no desire to set myself up for posting three times a week again because that was straight madness at times. The other part, the biggest part is that I’m a little afraid. Ok, a lot afraid because I’ve changed and I’m not sure a lot of you will like what I write from my heart… Only time will tell because I’ve committed to finishing my previously unfinished blog titled “Sucking It Up With Grace and Gratitude”. Believe it or not, THAT title was chosen before the election results and was about graduating from YTT. Now it has a whole new meaning that I have to reconcile with before I can finish it so stay tuned…

This entry was posted on November 12, 2016. 2 Comments