I know this is a good topic for my blog. I know it because I and a lot of close friends have been struggling with it lately. Yet I’ve put off writing it because I’m uncomfortable and I’m still dancing around the topic. Let’s start with, I hit the ground running from the very start of 2016.
I rang in the New Year in Ojai at Jen Pastiloff’s Manifestation retreat. I did a lot of mental and spiritual preparation to do many, many things I’d never done before. It was fantastic, it was uncomfortable, it was transformative. After arriving home, the next day I got back into my regular routine with Saturday morning Yin Yoga. I briefly and reluctantly considered whether to participate in my studio’s 31 days of yoga in January challenge. On January 3rd, I committed to participating, and I fulfilled it admirably. It was another fantastic, uncomfortable and transformative experience. So much so that before it was over, I was looking for another challenge for February. Along came the beautiful soul, Ellie Hodges with her An Emergent Life Facebook page. She offered an A-Z Mindful Living email series for the month of February. And so, a new endeavor was discovered and accepted. All of that in addition to working full time at an extremely stressful, demanding job, attending 12 step meetings, fulfilling community commitments, attending yoga classes, going to a writer’s workshop and a visit from my Mom.
This was just the first six weeks of 2016! I was halfway through the A-Z Mindful Living series and it had taken a lot more mental, emotional, spiritual and physical energy than I anticipated. This journey of building my brave and learning to live from my heart can be downright exhausting at times. But’s it’s fucking worth it.
Dawny called last Thursday morning while I was driving to work to ask if I would spend Saturday with her and her mother, celebrating her mom’s 70th birthday. I was touched beyond words. You see, Dawny is my best friend and her mother, Doris, is my spiritual advisor that I write so glowingly about here in my blog. Doris’ birthday wasn’t until the following Wednesday but last weekend was the best time for us to celebrate. When given the choice of doing anything she wanted for her birthday, Doris decided she’d like to hang with Dawny and me because we have so much fun together. Dawny made it clear that she didn’t know what mom wanted to do, but we’d be with her all day whatever it was. I was down for the cause. Friday after work I headed to Party City to get a special tiara and feather boa for the birthday gal.
However, when I got home after a fully exhausting week of work, I seemed to have hit a wall. My alarm went off Saturday morning at 6:30 am to get ready to go hiking with my other BFF Sarah. Then there would be my 9:30 Saturday Yin Yoga class to get to. When that was over, I was to rush home to shower and get ready for Dawny to pick me up to head down to Doris for her Birthday adventures. I made a conscious (Executive) decision to go back to sleep and not show up to hike or for yoga class. There was just no way I was going to have the energy to do those things and spend all day with Dawny and Doris. I gave myself permission to not show up and it was the right thing to do.
It wasn’t easy and I felt really guilty about it but I did not allow something that was difficult and guilt-inducing stop me from giving myself what I needed. Rest, Restoration, Recharge time. Why is that so hard for us loving, busy, productive women to do? I know I’ve struggled with showing up for most of my life. But now that I am showing up? Sometimes a no show is self-care. I highly recommend it once in a while.