The Tension/Trauma Release Exercise workshop or TRE 2.0 as I like to think of it went better this time around. It’s hard to believe it has been two months since I experienced the last one. I was better prepared for what to expect this time around, but I still went into it feeling bad about myself and my abilities. I didn’t fight the process as much, though. And guess what? I didn’t have as much tension/trauma to release this time either. That is not to say there wasn’t any because there was, but it wasn’t as intense or overwrought. After the first one, I felt drained and I was a wreck.  This time, I was tired, but my heart felt quiet and at peace. I was exhausted and emotional for days after the first time. This time, I went home ate a big yummy bowl of Chicago Mix popcorn and took a long, restful nap. I’ve felt fine ever since. A little achy and sore in my back, glute and thigh muscles from the wall and floor exercises, but my energy and clarity have been on point.

So here is a follow up to all the writing about those FEELINGS that had me fucked up last week. Remember how I felt incompetent, inadequate and overwhelmed at work? Well, when I went in to do overtime on Saturday morning, instead of going to my yoga class, I got a much-needed reality check. I am exceedingly good at evaluating, interpreting, investigating, documenting and resolving claims. Those things all take time and effort. I’m not a slow worker either, I’m thorough and deliberate. I’m also very good with people, including personal injury attorneys and their assistants. I got some work done, but the volume is such that there is still much more. More importantly, I left there feeling closer to what I know to be true about myself. I am a smart, valuable and capable employee.

As for my uncertainty concerning my yoga practice and my doubts about my abilities on the mat? I have a book suggested by Joy, the studio owner and a booklet put together by my teacher Tracy. They gave them to me because I asked if there was anything I could do to help prepare myself for the certification program they are putting together. I made a point of reading more out of both resources this weekend. The more I read about yoga, the more I understand it’s a lifestyle, a philosophy, and a message. It shows me this will be huge and life altering to my spiritual, emotional, physical and mental well-being! One I’ve already committed to- as much of what I’m learning describes what is presently unfolding for me personally. There is a relief in that recognition. I’m already on the path and I have great teachers to guide me.

The Baby Bub, mother-daughter dynamic will take more than a few words in a paragraph of a blog post to understand and resolve. But that’s the point isn’t it? Part of it is the normal (natural?) disconnect that can and does occur when a female hits her teens and twenties. Part of it is our relationship, which is a work of love, in progress. I make it a point to be more present and  listen more when she engages me. It’s a start and it already feels better.

All of this illustrates for me that I have already started rewriting my old stories. I no longer hold on to old negative messages and feelings so tightly or so long, which frees up a great deal of energy. It provides clarity moving forward to compose more accurate depictions based on present reality and a willingness to let my new story unfold.

What I know versus what I feel sucks ass right now! My track record tells me I know I’m going to be ok, but I feel like I’m headed into a dark, defeatist mindset. I know I am smart, capable and valuable as an employee. But I feel incompetent, inadequate and overwhelmed by the unwieldy workload along with the new metrics and numbers I’m judged by at work. I know I have options and choice about the direction of my life, but I feel afraid and powerless.

My daughter thinks I don’t know her. She’s told me this many times. Sometimes in anger, in exasperation or sometimes jokingly. But she really believes that I have no clue who she is. I can’t tell her the things I know about her because I’m her mother or because I’m a woman who has been where she is right now. I can’t tell her the wonderful  and amazing qualities and values I see in her. Some of them she got from me, some she got from other really good people she gravitated to and stayed close with. Her smart ass humor, her generosity, her addictive personality when it comes to junk food and tv watching, her sensitivity, her service to her community are all me. All me, but I can’t tell her that. I could explain to her that the closeness she feels to her youth director, his wife and their young children fills her need and longing for a sense of family. One I’ve been unable to provide on my own since her brothers are long gone out of the house and she’s just at an age where mom is not cool to be with. I know my Baby Bub, but I feel disconnected from her.

I know I’ve made progress in my yoga practice, hell, I actually HAVE a yoga practice now and I’m planning to get certified to teach it. But I’m feeling uncertain and doubtful in my abilities on the mat. I know I called breath, focus and follow through as my anchors for the coming weeks which helped for a few days, but I feel choked with emotion, completely unfocused and scattered at week’s end. I signed up for another Tension/Trauma Release Workshop at my yoga studio. Remember how well I did with the last one in http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/09/22/its-time-to-replace-my-old-stories/? Yeah, that’s tomorrow afternoon.

Right about now, I know I’m supposed to bring the tone up and try to wrap this up in a sweet little spiritually uplifting bow but I’m just not feeling that. Sorry, not sorry. What I do know is that feelings are not facts. Feelings. Are. Not. Facts. But I’m still feeling pretty fucked up about myself, my life, my future right now. Just right now. Hopefully, a good night’s sleep, some overtime at work tomorrow morning, some lunch after that, then the Tension workshop and a nap will do wonders for me. If not, there’s always my Saturday night 12 step meeting and oh hey, I forgot my spiritual advisor is coming to town for that meeting so I get to see her. In fact, I think she wants to try to do dinner or something too… Well damn, I’m starting to feel better already, despite myself. How about that?

It’s been a rough re-entry into work this week after an extended Holiday weekend. I got off the phone with my spiritual advisor about an hour ago. We switched our nights together to Wednesday to accommodate my therapist’s new work schedule. You know… the therapist who is now moving out of town in three weeks? I had been filling Doris, my adviser, in on my heinous work week so far and that I’m losing my therapist.

There was an incident involving some words from my supervisor to me about my workload. In fact, my supervisor has told me the exact same thing last year. At the time, her words sent me into the tailspin she intended until I confessed to a co-worker friend what was said and that friend gave me a new sensible perspective that did not make me feel like an incompetent piece of shit. It was also on the same day I was scheduled to see my therapist, who also pointed out some passive aggressive behaviors of my supervisor. So this year, when she had those same words for me, they didn’t have the intended effect. But it pissed me off, then made me sad after I was done being pissed. Who wants to work in an environment with the ‘same shit, different year’?  This time, I had a Moon Yin Yoga class to go to after work where my yoga teacher actually said to “let that shit go” during class without even knowing what happened to me at work. How cool is that? I left there with a definite shift in energy, but my heart still heavy about my job. The one I am planning to stay in for another year. If I can stand it and if they don’t eventually fire me. Doris helped me to prioritize what to do this weekend about whether to go to my normal Saturday Yin Yoga class or go into work for authorized overtime to get my workload more manageable.

We didn’t talk much about my therapist leaving. She remarked, “I’m really sorry, that’s rough losing a therapist.” And we kind of moved on. She shared some awareness and insight into what her spiritual adviser pointed out to her earlier this evening. It was about taking responsibility for your own happiness or joy and not looking elsewhere for it. How this insight led Doris to realize she was moving out of a “victim” mentality. That in turn led me to realize that same thing about myself and my life. In my previous blog, I wrote about events and commitments coming up and how I chose to handle feeling overwhelmed by all of it. I asked a couple of key questions about signing up for this and my realization is I’m not a victim of circumstance. I am an active volunteer IN my life!

A volunteer blessed, nay graced, with presence, connection, willingness to grow, be vulnerable, be uncomfortable, be uncertain, all the while having faith in my path, my mission, God’s process. A volunteer who is learning to trust that she doesn’t have to know what’s ahead to move forward because so far she’s always landed where she’s supposed to be.

These are my chosen anchors for the coming weeks. In this case, an anchor is defined as  2.: someone or something that provides strength and support. Here are the reasons I am in need of such a thing…  The volume of work at my job is astounding and it doesn’t appear things will get better soon. In fact, many in supervision and others “in the know” have stated things are going to get even worse. That is hard to imagine, but the truth is things are already a lot worse than they were last year. I have the New Years Yoga Manifestation Retreat in Ojai with Jen Pastiloff and her tribe coming up in less than a month. I’m committed to a 200-hour Yoga Teacher Certification Training with my yoga studio sometime after the first of the year. I spoke to the owner of my studio about it. They will be finalizing the curriculum and schedule by the end of this month. I already know how much it will cost. Then there’s that Big Island Writers Workshop I signed up and paid for which is on Friday, January 22nd. Oh, and my wonderfully amazing, kick-ass therapist is leaving her practice for another job in Orange county. I have two more face-to-face sessions with her over the next two Mondays before she leaves the last week of this month.

As my girl, Dawny put it when I called her to talk last night, “THAT is a lot on your plate.” It is a lot and lately it feels like I’ve either got something going on or a whole lot of something going on. This is a busy time of year with my sobriety date, the holidays and a host of other fun, interesting events I planned or signed up for. At least I no longer wonder what happened to my life. It’s finally sunk into my consciousness and into my being that my path is unfolding in some places, opening up in others and possibly dead ending at yet another juncture. Isn’t this is what I signed up for when I decided to discover my Mission for work and life? Isn’t this is what I signed up for when I decided I wanted to live and work from my heart more than my head? I do know this is me being fully present for my life. Sometimes it’s so fucking wonderful. Other times it’s so fucking frustrating. A lot of times it is overwhelming. Even the wonderful can be overwhelming when it happens, like winning a scholarship to a retreat because of my essay or planning to attend my first ever writers workshop at the invitation of another writer/director/actor who read my blog.

So instead of wistfully and misguidedly longing for my old isolative, couch potato days, I think of how I can journey through this phase of my life with as much presence and enjoyment as possible. Just how does one enjoy the frustrations of an increasingly overwhelming and toxic work environment? By keeping my sense of humor, utter ridiculousness and irony. Trust me, my co-workers can attest those are golden qualities to have in our line of work. I already received instructions on what to bring to the Ojai retreat through a closed group on Facebook and Jen herself has personally assured me of a few things I was concerned about. I’ve spoken to my yoga teacher about what I can do to prepare for the certification training and she has suggested some readings along with a few other things I plan to do. As for my therapist, well she’s already mentioned the possibility of us doing skype sessions through January and she has someone she could refer me to that has similar spiritual values as her and I. So there are things I can do to prepare for what’s coming up. And those things I can’t prepare for?

This brings me back to my topic of breath, focus and follow through. These are my anchors because sometimes all I can do is breathe. Breathe deeply, rhythmically and reverently, if possible. God in, God out. A part of my higher power is inside me and also as close as my next breath. It’s calming. It’s centering. It can be clarifying. I can focus on whatever or whoever is in front of me, be it a task at work, a friend or family member in need of my attention, processing how to let go, or an endeavor aimed at feeding, growing, expanding my spirit or soul. This leads to following through. For me, it means to continue to follow through with trusting the process. Following through on the next indicated step. It means finishing what I committed to starting. I’ve written it before and I will continue to do so. I will follow through on what God is calling me to do, what God is unfolding, opening or eliminating on my path. What do you use to anchor yourself through some of your busiest times?