My spiritual adviser warned me about this phenomenon that we visit upon ourselves. She calls it our human self, as opposed to our Higher more evolved Self. My therapist calls it our ego. The part of us that operates from the shadows of doubt, uncertainty, and fear. Whose voice whispers so insidiously and convincingly of inevitable doom or failure, so why bother? It’s designed to either keep you from your light and growth or to lure you back into it’s dark shadows if you dare to venture out. It’s a mentor or therapist’s fancier way of warning me about the ways I can work against myself or outright self-sabotage.
Why do I bring this up? It may have something to do with the realization that I had been doing just that in small ways to myself, but this weekend my ego truly reared its head. Perhaps because I was so bold as to declare my intentions for the coming year in Saturday’s blog post? Probably, but the smaller missteps were happening before this past weekend. I’ve skipped a few yoga classes here and there lately, which had not been the case the first three and a half months since I started attending the studio. My eating choices have been suspect too. It doesn’t help since it is the holiday season offering up all manner of yummy, fattening goodness! Ah, yes, and there have been my finances which also take a hit this time of year. I’m much, MUCH less disciplined with spending or accountability when it comes to savings.
I was flying so high Friday night when I wrote my intentions for Saturday’s blog. That optimism and positive spiritual energy carried over to Saturday with friends encouraging me with my ideas. I even have an order for one of my “Bali fund” fundraising ideas of a full Chili dinner, including cornbread and a 7-up cake for dessert! I ended up having the opportunity to help clean a house Saturday afternoon and earned my first official Bali-fund money… Except Sunday, I went to Michael’s to shop for a Christmas ornament for an office ornament exchange party this week and they were having a 60% off sale on ALL Christmas items. So I spent a little over half of my cleaning money there. Then I headed to Home Depot to buy $5 poinsettia plants, but they didn’t have them and I bought vegetarian chili, organic crispy onions, and pork tamales, which pretty much took care of the rest of the cleaning money. So I actually SPENT my first official Bali-fund money!
Sunday afternoon when I got home from shopping, the shadows started whispering, so low and quiet, “You’re kidding if you think you’re going to save enough money for Bali when you can’t even hang on to the first money you earned for it.” “It’s less than a year away, you know you can’t save that kind of money.” “You didn’t even NEED those extra Christmas things you bought! What is wrong with you?” Of course, then I started to believe the thoughts and to feel discouraged. I spent the rest of Sunday on the couch watching television and Facebooking on my phone. Also something I’ve been doing more of lately, which felt suspiciously like how I use to “check out” of my life when I was so unhappy and felt helpless to change it.
My energy was low at work today, but it wasn’t really a bad Monday at all. I had taken my breakfast, a morning snack and lunch to work so I only spent money on coffee and an afternoon snack. Thank God I had a therapy appointment after work! My last face to face appointment with her since she is leaving the practice. That didn’t help with how I was feeling, but her office is one of the places where it’s become safe to examine the truths of what I’m thinking and feeling. This blog is as well if you haven’t been able to tell. So she pointed out what my ego was doing in response to my growth and progress with my intentions. It made sense and I’m sure I’ll get even more feedback from my spiritual adviser about my human self on Wednesday when I talk to her. The advice from both is to acknowledge the behavior, thoughts or feelings but also recognize that it lies. I made a few choices that were not in line with my intentions, for 1 day. There is still plenty of time and there will be plenty of other opportunities to make better choices. In fact, I still have the receipt and stuff from Michael’s with the tags on them, which I will return this week. So see? Choices and decisions can be reversed or rectified as well.