If you were around for the launching of my blog you may recall I referred to this as “A journey home to my authentic self, living from my heart which I believe will lead me to a bigger, more open life.” That was a little over four and a half months ago. Looking back now, I can see I was so busy building my brave by writing and walking through my fears that I hadn’t given much thought to how the journey would unfold or where it would lead. I’m still not sure but let me tell you something, living from my heart has taken me to some deeply spiritual, emotional, joyful, insightful and painful places within and without. There are so many examples I could give you but it’s very late. You see, I had this blog topic and the first sentence written on Sunday afternoon. However, right now it’s 12:28 am, Tuesday morning and I’ve been procrastinating as only I can: emotional eating (a double-double from In-N-Out, Cheetos puffs, peanut butter m&m’s and leftover Christmas cookies and Coke Zero) and re-watching a movie I found on tv (The Conjuring). I’ve been avoiding and putting off writing this particular blog because it feels a lot more personal than the others. That seems crazy, right? I mean, all of my blogs have been deeply honest and personal.
My spiritual advisor believes that everything, absolutely everything that happens to us is leading us to our hearts. To a greater understanding, a deeper connection to our higher selves, the Divinity within. In yoga, there are asanas (poses/stretches) designed to access the different chakras. The heart chakra is known as Anahata. The poses and stretches associated with this chakra are called “heart openers”. They evoke strong emotions for me every damn time but I welcome that release these days.
I’ve recently come to understand God and the Universe can also send me “heart openers”. When I least expect them, of course. The most recent ones came on the drive home from Pasadena Christmas night with my middle son, Ahbuh. I touched on it briefly at the end of my previous blog post. He opened my eyes and heart to some hard truths about his older brother that tie directly back to my behaviors as their mother and even to his own feelings and perspective about our family. I didn’t know some “heart openers” can crack your chest wide open until this past weekend. I’m grateful that I was fully present for that time in the car with my son. I’m grateful that I didn’t argue with him too long before accepting his feelings and perspective as valid. I’m grateful that he could open up to me in that way and that I LISTENED. Because I have not always listened or paid attention to my precious middle child, who is so like me. In fact, all of my children have taken after many aspects of my personalities past and present. It has not been easy to see, acknowledge or accept. I wanted so much better for them. I wanted so much for them to do better than I did, not make the same mistakes. So these particular Life “heart openers” have broadened my capacity to process, understand and accept my children. Ah but the pain to breathe through, feel and process along the way…
Tomorrow, Wednesday I’m driving to Ojai, CA for Jennifer Pastiloff’s Annual New Year’s Retreat. I won a scholarship when I entered her essay contest a few months ago. There will be yoga, A LOT of journaling, manifestation workshops, Karaoke, dancing, vegetarian meals, a cooking class and free time to hike, hot tub or swim. It’s three days of what I’m certain will be a great deal of heart opening. So soon after Christmas. It feels like either Life keeps putting me in these situations or I’m actively pursuing them.
Which is exactly what happens when you declare an intention and live from that. Moments like unexpected “heart openers” and winning essay contests still catch me off guard. These are just more situations that I must take on faith. Trust what God and the Universe reveal to me or offers to me. I just need to remember to breathe, trust and above all, show up. These days it takes more than the 80% http://buildyourownbrave.com/2015/08/25/showing-up/ . Thank God I’m more than capable of bringing the other 20% today.