Those of you that read Saturday’s blog post now know the truth about me. I am profoundly, hopelessly, relentlessly, beautifully, amazingly human. I am fully capable of incapacitating myself with an inner shitstorm of fear, doubt, and discouragement. Looking back at last week, I realized that besides my final session with my therapist on Monday night, I missed my Tuesday yoga class and my weekly phone call with my spiritual advisor on Wednesday because I was sick. I also stayed home from work sick on Thursday. By then my inner shitstorm had started gathering because I’d already come across the Facebook post from my yoga studio about their certification program being available in the summer instead of after the beginning of the New Year. All this means I spent a great deal of time by myself last week and if I haven’t said it here before, I’m saying it now. An alcoholic alone is in bad, BAD company.
The truth of the matter is that I isolated most of the weekend too. I didn’t go to my Saturday morning yoga class, I blew off a Christmas Tree lighting/Cookie Exchange party I was supposed to be helping with, and I didn’t go to the Saturday night meeting at the library. I lied to the two friends that texted me Saturday night asking if I was okay. The only reason I left my house Sunday morning is because I had a service commitment to facilitate a meeting in the park every week. Thank God for service commitments! I heard a lot of amazing experience, strength and hope this morning. I also related closely to a woman who opened up to share about struggling with depression and life. She touched my heart and opened my eyes to some things about myself and her. I made a point of thanking her after the meeting because I felt like she was brave enough to share her story, which so closely mirrored mine right now. I also stocked up on a lot of hugs before and after the meeting because hugs are crucial. A very close friend asked me how I was doing after she hugged me and I answered honestly. Thank God I did because she asked a couple of basic questions that moved me in the right direction. One of them was, “When was the last time you saw or talked to your spiritual advisor?” That question helped me understand that while I isolated most of the weekend, I’d also spent most of the previous week in isolation from the people, places and things that feed me spiritually! Yoga class, my yoga teacher and my spiritual advisor.
The other truth I’ve been not wanting to deal with? I’m not sure I trust myself to accomplish my goals/intentions for next year. I’m afraid I might have bitten off more than I can chew! Part of the reason I’m so upset about the yoga certification now being in the summer is that when I thought it was at the beginning of this year, I thought I’d have the chance to teach yoga and gain experience as a teacher before immersing myself in an advanced certification program at the end of the year. I also was hoping to have the certification program as something else to focus on while working at my current soul-sucking job.
As far as I’ve come in my journey, which was fueled initially by Divine Dissatisfaction that ultimately compelled me into my greatest growth to date, I still doubt the trust in myself. Does self-trust work like self-love? How can I trust or love anyone until I learn to trust and love myself? So does that mean I can’t trust God or the process because I’m not sure if I trust myself? NO, of course, it doesn’t mean that. As my girl, Dawny (my sounding board) lovingly pointed out when I read this to her, “I’m sorry, but I call bullshit.” The real truth is that I’ve been trusting my Higher Power, whom I call God and trusting the process long before this little crisis of confidence. It’s what has brought me this far and something I committed to. I just don’t understand why this is happening now when I had a plan, a purpose, and a direction? Which brings me back to God’s redirection. I don’t like it, but I have to trust it, right?