This week I started back to walking outside on my afternoon breaks since the weather has finally cooled here in Southern California (HALLELUJAH)! I love those walks and talks with my co-workers and missed them terribly during the extended hot humid months. We talk about all manner of personal things that are not necessarily for general office discussion and consumption. The talk turned to the fact that I’ve been in therapy for nearly two years and how far I’ve come in so many ways since then. I told them how touched and happy I was that my Yoga teacher was excited when I told her I would be participating in the studio’s training certification for teachers after the first of the year. She was genuinely pleased that she was going to be training me! Apparently she had hoped I would be interested when they announced the certification program earlier and was delighted that it had taken root with me so quickly.

My co-worker pointed out that I seem to be surrounded with amazing, supportive people. I realized that was true. But I pointed out it wasn’t always the case, even in sobriety, because I used to be so closed off from people. It’s been since I’ve steadily committed to being fully present and living from my heart that I’m attracting or drawn to many good people and situations. I think I’ve shared here before that the reason I got a therapist to begin with two years ago is for an issue with my middle child and me. Well, there was one session involving my son and me before he went to live in Northern California. The therapist asked me if I wanted to continue seeing her since I had five more free sessions through the Employee Assistance Program and she noticed some things that came up for me in that session with my son. I was willing and while the work has felt heavy, tedious and monotonous at times, it has brought me to a really great place. I had a session with her today. She was also extremely pleased and marveled at the fact that I’d only been attending yoga classes for three months and it’s led me to become a yoga teacher! All because I was open and willing to follow through on a suggestion from her to try a yoga class because I was complaining of low back pain.

Looking back at the evolution of my life in the past few years, it’s been a process of growth, intention, choice, and grace. Actually it goes back even further but I’m going to focus on the most recent time. My spiritual advisor says everything, absolutely everything that happens to us is a journey leading us to our heart. I’m finding it to be true now and most especially in hindsight. Past relationships where I’ve led with my heart and had it crushed, made me stronger. It’s taught me to continually be who I am, assert who I am and even celebrate who I am. There has been a great deal of fear, pain and tears to work through. Coming out of the other side of the growth, intention and choice has brought me true grace born of clarity and accountability. A grace that sustains me in times of joy, times of laughter, connection or times of pain, times of betrayal and suffering. I hope what I attract or am drawn to is what God calls forth for me. It feels that way most times. 

Some time ago my spiritual advisor asked me to do something, or rather gave me a mission “if I chose to accept it”, a la Mission Impossible. It was about being open to possibilities and opportunities, even if, or especially if they didn’t look like I though they should. She also asked me to consider “allowing things to happen” rather than stressing myself out trying to force things by giving myself deadlines and unrealistic tasks. Just allow… Much of our discussion was centered around my being upset and impatient with myself because I finally knew what my Mission for work and life was. Aaaand how I wanted to accomplish it as a Life Coach and a Writer. But I had not decided on what program to get my coaching certification from or how to pay for it. Plus I wanted to leave my current job because I hate it there and it’s so damn draining. I was mad at myself because I hadn’t figured out where to get my coaching certification, how to pay for it, and I hadn’t found a new job that was less draining but paid nearly as much as what I’m making now. Got the picture? Sometimes I just do not know HOW I survive being me.

Old idea #1, fluffy girls can’t do yoga class! Say what? Um, well I’ve been practicing yoga for three months now. Despite my big sweaty boobs attempting to strangle me in certain asanas (poses). I got a new sports bra recommended by another great friend who is also blessed with big girls. It’s working out better than my old sports bra, but sadly, the girls merely restrict my breathing rather than outright strangulation. Just not sure there exists a sports bra to hold them completely in place during Downward Dog or twists. Despite my tummy getting in the way of a lot of forward bends over either leg. Guess what? My tummy is shrinking, slowly but surely, as is my ability to bend lower over my legs! Despite thinking a yoga studio was like a fitness gym filled with fit bodies and personal trainers looking down their noses at me. Well, there are a lot of fit bodies and fit yoga teachers, there are also a few fluffy gals like me, but most importantly everyone is so warm, welcoming and encouraging! Plus my primary yoga teacher, who I take my two classes with is absolutely amazing and she encourages me endlessly, in class and outside of it. When I told her I was going to be a life coach she was so happy for me. The following week she referred me to a couple who had studied yoga under her and opened up their own Yoga teaching school. She also let me know that right here in my town, my yoga studio was going to start yoga teacher certification after the first of the year. Apparently fluffy girls don’t just do yoga, they can also train to TEACH it!

Old idea #2, I need to be gone from my current job YESTERDAY. Really? This is a tough one to let go of. I had dinner this past Saturday night with a co-worker that I consider a “spiritual soul sister” because we are so alike in how we think, how we work at our jobs, etc. We’d both finished working four hours of overtime and decided to grab a bite to eat together. While we were catching up, commiserating and deciding what to order she suggested that I stay in our current job so it can pay for my life coach training/certification. I was adamantly against THAT suggestion and told her so. There was no way I could put the necessary heart energy and focus into my coaching training while working where I do. Shit, this job brings me to tears of discouragement, frustration and even despair on the regular. I pointed this out to her, she knows this because it affects her the same way! But she insisted that my feelings and attitude about the job were blocking me from seeing that it’s a viable income source while I accomplish my goals. She left it alone after I made it clear that was not an option for me. But then, I remembered what my spiritual advisor said about being open to possibilities. I maintain that Life Coach training would not be something I could do effectively while working where I am. But you know what I could see myself doing? Yoga teacher certification! That I believe I could put my energy and focus into because it already feeds me spiritually as a personal practice.

Old idea #3, my timeline for accomplishing my Mission. All I need to say and understand is everything is in God’s time, not Tammi’s. Period.

Getting back to my spiritual advisor’s mission of allowing things to happen, I continued to research Life Coaching Certification Programs and Life Coach as a career. I found out there are many kinds of specialized Life Coaches, including a Yogic Life Coach! There are Health and Wellness Coaches, Spiritual Life Coaches, Career Life Coaches, Intuitive Life Coaches, Christian Life Coaches, Life Coaches and more. It appears as if a path to at least explore Yoga teaching certification in my own backyard is presenting itself to me. My friend from dinner Saturday is right, I do have a means to support myself in order to at least accomplish this phase of my plan/path. And it leaves yoga teacher training in Bali at the end of next year on the table. Except I would only need to attend the more financially affordable 300 hours advanced teacher training.

All this means is that in addition to being fully present for my life, I am learning to be open to considering opportunities and options I normally wouldn’t. And allowing, let’s not forget to allow.