When my alarm clock went off this morning (Monday) I actually whimpered when I realized I had to go to work. I’ve never done that before unless I was physically sick and it took most of the day to wrap my head and spirit around that. I posted it as a status on Facebook this morning with #ThisIsMyLife and #GodPleaseHelpMeHelpMyself. I’m sure most of my friends thought I was being funny, but it felt awful and shocking. I spent extra time in prayer and meditation, which I’m convinced was the only reason I made it out of bed and eventually to work. Most of you familiar with my blog understand how I feel about my job so that isn’t new. This feeling I woke up with was about me and how I felt about myself, my life. When I’m in this dark, self-doubting, self-critical space in my head and spirit, work is not a good environment for me. This had been coming on before Monday.
I struggled this weekend with showing up. I didn’t want to go to yoga class or the Janet Jackson concert. That’s right, I wanted to stay home scrubbing it in my pj’s doing nothing but wallowing in this dark cloud. I wanted to hide from myself and the world. The problem with that is (1) my cable tv was on the fritz- AS IN NOT WORKING FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, (2) I got rid of 95% of my romance novels and wasn’t really sure where the ones I kept were in my new place and (3) that’s not how I deal with this anymore. I showered and made it to yoga class, which put me in a good enough frame of mind to join some friends for a late breakfast afterwards. Ah, but then my darkness descended again and I went home to nap for the afternoon. I tried to get up the nerve to call or text my two girlfriends that I wasn’t going to the concert to see Janet with them. I mean, that was the real reason behind me making sure each of them had their own ticket before we left work Friday. This darkness had been creeping up on me since the middle of last week. Well, I got up at the last minute, threw on a hat, because I can rock that, a cute top, some Capri jeans and wedges. I even managed to put on some make-up! This was Janet after all and I paid good money. This is my girls and me from work in the parking lot before heading off to the venue.
To top it off, my #2 child, who I call Ahbuh, was in town for the weekend and he never made over to my place to see me while I was home. He’s lived in Northern California with my sister and brother-in-law for nearly two years now. He’s been home to visit before and always came through and stayed here. For whatever reason, his triflin’ ass did not come to see me and that hurt a lot. He’s a grown man of 25 and still firmly in his “knucklehead phase” so I shouldn’t be surprised. I really shouldn’t because he does shit like this to people all the time. This is a first for me, though. He did make it by my new place with his older brother, my #1 child, Barley, who lives here in Southern California. Only they came through when I was at the Janet Jackson concert! I found out through a text from Baby Bub (#3 child) that said “Your sons showed up and are eating our food.” I replied, “BOTH of them??”. She said “Yes.” I begged her, “Please, Please, Please take a group selfie for me!!!” The heifer replied, “Sorry I don’t do group selfies.” All I could do was sigh… I last had all my children together in July of 2014 at their granny’s memorial service. I’m posting a picture because I can and I know #1 and #3 will hate it!
So you know what my head told me about that right? Because I was such a shitty mother when I was raising them, they don’t want to spend time with me. This is my Karma and what I deserve. These lies and so many other nonsensical self-destructive thoughts can be the background music at any given moment when I’m not taking care of myself or just plain feeling low and blue. By the time I made it home to get on the phone with my spiritual advisor for our weekly Monday evening call I really needed to let all these emotions and thoughts out. Oh, and I had an hour before company was coming by to go over the planning of a Halloween event for a community committee I belong to.
It turns out I had a lot more fears, feelings, emotions and thoughts going on than I realized. It seems I was doing a good job of believing them without really hearing them. Some of you will know what I’m talking about, those that don’t know- consider yourselves fortunate. My beloved spiritual advisor helped me sort through things by talking it out, asking questions, making suggestions. I really have started to feel some relief and was given a good plan of action for the coming week. (1) Be gentle with myself, (2) listen to the voices of my ego/human, without engaging in what they are telling me, (3) take it easy, slow down and get some rest. Those are things I can get behind and I’m already breathing easier.
After my call, it also helped tremendously to get out of myself for a little while when my friends came over to finalize plans for the Halloween event in two weeks. We even set dates with tentative plans for a Turkey Day Leftover Potluck on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and a Christmas Tree Lighting/Cookie Exchange for the week before Christmas. Good Googilamoogly the holiday season is upon us!