This blog will be short and sweet. Mainly because I’m feeling extra achiness that has nothing to do with my usual soreness after my Tuesday Moon-Yin yoga class and something to do with what I suspect is a cold coming on! I’m really upset and pissed about this because I am supposed to visit my phenomenally adorable and fabulous grandbabies this weekend. All throughout last night there was mild throat clearing with that even milder sand papery-feeling when I swallow. You know the feeling. The one so mild you convince yourself you couldn’t possibly be coming down with anything when you have so much great stuff planned for the coming weekend. GRRRR! The reality tonight is I have a definite sore throat that makes itself known every time I swallow and I feel generally achy. Shit, shit, shit.
So here’s my two cents about the blog topic as it pertains to me and my funk I’ve been in recently. It’s absolutely alright that I don’t know exactly what the next indicated step is regarding my future right now. It’s absolutely alright that I am MONTHS overdue in putting a touch-up in my hair, making my ponytail fuzzy, frumpy and bumpy. It’s absolutely ok that my toenails are not painted or I haven’t had a pedicure in about six weeks or so. (I’m saving money for a trip to Vegas baby!) It’s PERFECTLY ok that there is a weeks worth of dishes in my kitchen sink and both the bathroom & kitchen trash bins are full. It’s perfectly alright that my daughter and I are barely on speaking terms at this moment in time, that my middle son is an insensitive, immature knucklehead and that my oldest boy guards his life/privacy as if he is a CIA spy. My world has not ended because my checking account is -$4.11 and I don’t get paid until Friday.
The truth is I’ve learned to trust the Process. What process you ask? I trust the Process of Life and the Process of Recovery/Sobriety, both of which are fueled by my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. In trusting that I don’t have to know exactly what my next indicated step is, I get to enjoy being me. By that I mean, I can continue making “baby step” progress researching options, reaching out to others and feeling grateful when they reach back. My hair is what it is and I’ll get to it when I get to it. As for being overdrawn on my checking account, it’s been ages since that’s happened and I have a separate credit union account that I can rob “Peter” to pay “Paul” and put myself back in the black before payday. None of the things I wrote about in the above paragraph stop me from appreciating my life, my relationships and what I love about them. Usually when I’m able to do just that, trust the process and keep moving forward despite imperfect conditions or relationships at the moment, I end up in a pretty phenomenal place. Seemingly without any effort. But the effort is in seeing, feeling, striving, believing and moving ahead, no matter what. Even when it doesn’t feel like I’m making the effort.
A perfect case in point, to close out the blog bringing it back to my grandbabies. From the time they’ve been born and I visit, my son and daughter-in-love will occasionally apologize for some misbehavior or grumpiness on the children’s part. But here’s the thing, I ALWAYS assure them that grandbabies don’t have to look, act or be perfect for me to thoroughly love and enjoy them! Seriously. They don’t see Mae-Mae (me) on a regular basis, so there is usually a period where they are standoffish, especially baby Charlie. Ava is almost 4 years old and she knows who Mae-Mae is, so she warms up to me pretty quick. I usually just let baby Charlie snuggle up to his momma and do his thing while I enjoy Ava. Eventually, though, he eases his way over to me to interact with me, to let me love on him. Those are the sweetest moments, when they come to me, without me having to force things. I think a lot of important Life stuff is like that. Just keep doing you, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Then when you least expect it and you are just doing you, BAM, a sweet moment sneaks up on you.